January 6th-
I knew better than to fall in love with my ex-husband's brother, but I did it anyway. After a failed marriage of sixteen years and a couple of years spent healing, I somehow managed to get my heart broken for a second time. Before you say anything. He's my ex-husband's stepbrother. Not his flesh and blood. I know that doesn't make it right. I'm just offering clarity, not excuses. Still, I did it and still I got my heart broken.
Maybe it's my punishment. Maybe it's a wake-up call. Had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't have slept with him last weekend. I would have left him in 2025. But you live and you learn.
The truth is, he technically didn't do anything wrong. No broken agreements. No mean words. Just the cold truth of where I stand washing over me—leaving me stunned, cold, and awakened.
This is a true story, and I have three kids I want to protect so for all intents and purposes we will call him TJ. And I am Rane. TJ has never been married, and he has no kids. I was married to his stepbrother (we'll call him JJ) for 16 years and we have three children together. Two months after JJ moved out of my house down the road into his new girlfriend's house, TJ and I hooked up on my birthday. Afterward we decided we would be winter friends with benefits. We agreed we couldn't get carried away. We would keep each other's beds warm for a few months and when spring came, we would go our separate ways. At first not getting carried away was easy to do. I was coming out of a very turbulent marriage, and the thought of committing to another person made me feel trapped and claustrophobic. He gave me space and softness. He made it so easy. He's a really good man. The best I've met so far. He's kind, funny, smart and deeply considerate. He helps anyone who needs help and doesn't ask for anything in return. He works hard and never asks to be acknowledged. TJ never made me feel stupid when I didn't know something and he never bristled or brushed off my opinions. He brings me a calmness I've never known. So I fell for him, hard, when I knew I shouldn't. And somehow without either of us meaning it to happen, two years disappeared. One blink and December 2023 became December 2025. I've been fighting this internal war with myself. Knowing I need to let go and move forward but not being able or willing to leave the warmth of his atmosphere for the cold vacuum of space.
Until today. He's been out of town for work. He broke his phone, nothing out of the ordinary. TJ's accident-prone nature is a quirk I think is cute, especially since it's a quirk we both share. He asked me to plug in his other old phone so we could get the recovery code, and he could get into all his accounts on his new phone. But after his phone turned on and connected to Wi-Fi there were emails from dating profiles. When I saw the emails it was a punch to the gut.
We're not exclusive. I've had a dating profile myself. But with TJ around no man stacked up so I deleted it a couple days after making it. No matter how much another man tried to date me I kept him at arm's length.
Many emotions followed after seeing what I saw. Maybe it's not that he doesn't care about me. I know because of who we are to each other this situationship has its limitations. I can't fault him for wanting a woman that he can take home to his mom. Or a woman who might be able to give him kids. He deserves those things. And because I love him so much I want those things for him. And I deserve to be loved without reservation.
So this year, I'm loving myself. 2026 is going to be my biggest year yet.
I've pulled my pants up, tied them real good, and I'm ready to get to work. I won't lie—it's a big chunk of accomplishments I'm aiming for this year. More than I ever thought I could do in the past. But this year, I'm determined.
This is the plan:
1.) Lose weight and get healthy.
I've gained a lot of weight these last few years. Way more than I should have with my little five-foot nothing frame. I have a couple autoimmune conditions. Between stress and illness my A1C is in the prediabetic range. I really want to be the best version of myself so this is definitely a priority. No more soda—not even sugar-free. I need to work out at least four or five days a week.
2.) Become completely financially independent. I want to create and maintain my own stability. The plan? I'll get back to you on that. I'm still working on the how. I know that it will definitely help when I move in a few weeks.
3.) Finish writing at least one book. I've been working on one for a few years. I can definitely do this.
4.) Cultivate good experiences and memories with my three favorite people—my kids.
There are a couple museums and aquariums I'd like for us to check out this year, and I'd really like us to go to a few movies together.
5.) Give dating a real chance. I'm going to try a small handful of dating avenues, and I'm going to allow myself one date a month.
6.) Grow watermelons this spring and sell some. I need to look into this right away and possibly start some seedlings next month—or the month after. I've grown a few things but never to sell and never watermelons.
7.) Grow pumpkins this summer and sell some. I've grown pumpkins before but I've never sold any.
I'm really excited for this year.
January 12th—
I haven't started working out yet 🫤I did, however, commit to my first of twelve dates this year. His name is Andrew. He's a nice guy I met while I was working my main job. He messages me every morning, and because he's genuinely sweet and not overly performative, it doesn't give me the ick like it usually does.
He said he'd pay, which I don't normally agree to. I don't like men thinking I owe them something. But I told myself this was the year to try new things and to be socially present. Also a coworker told me to allow myself to be softer or else I'll push everyone away. So we'll see how it goes.
I can't wait to get moved into my apartment. It's one of the things I'm most looking forward to. It's a little bittersweet because it creates distance from TJ. It's one of those things you do for your health not necessarily because you want to but because you need to. Like me cutting out sugar to not get full-fledged diabetes.
It's hard because of how much I care for him. But I can't keep living in a pretend world. If I do, I'll end up more hurt than I already am.
We didn't have sex this weekend. It was hard for me, but I pushed through. I didn't initiate it at all. If he had initiated like he did last weekend I would have caved. Part of me wanted him to try but it's a good thing he didn't. I need to create space. I tried to keep my distance. It's difficult when he feels like home. Everything from his presence to his touch feels so right, so comforting. I feel like if there was a previous life, I loved him in it. It doesn't matter. I have to stay strong if I'm going to give someone else a real chance.
I miss him already.