The light pass through... Does it just pass by? Or have it always been this bright?
I open my eyes for the first time in the world
"..." I blinked as if just I haven't lived before.
It's quiet, I was lying, staring at the car roof from inside. It was my very first memory, first time living this thing called life.
*Thud* The car door opened by itself. Is it ghost? Is it stranger? Surprisingly enough when I saw the man I didn't get scared or startled, instead it's just a normal father-son interaction.
I was barely 3 or 4 at the moment, I just gain consciousness yet I know this man was my father, not some sort of scary strangers.
"Come on, we'll be late. " My father spoke gentle but stern enough to let me know that he wasn't the most talkative type.
I nodded my head, as if already know how my father act although I just gain consciousness. "Okay" I answered simply.
I follow behind my father, didn't even hold hands, it's not like he didn't love me, it's just the way things are.
My dad opened the door, I dont know where I am at the moment I just live after all.
"Hey, I thought you were not coming." A woman sitting on bed, looking at both of us with a gentle and warm smile.
Strange. I never saw her before, but I instinctively know that she was my mother.
"Sorry, I have a bit work to do and I have to pick up the kid." The stern but gentle voice answered. Anyone would think he's not the most friendly type.
"It's fine, today I'm getting discharged anyway. " My mom replies, relief smile appear on her face.
I think to myself "Why is she in bed? Sick?"
After a few minutes of chatting, my dad drove us to our house. When we arrived, I know I've been there for a long time. But I'm a kid after all.
Upon entering the house I saw a few man some are teenagers, some adults and some are just slightly older than me. But I didn't question it, even though it's my first time seeing them with consciousness, I know they are all my brothers.
My oldest brother were 14 years older than me, my second brother were 12 years older than me, my third brother were 10 years older than me and my fourth brother are 5 years older than me. I was the last child, I know that for a fact.
"What are you doing boys? I told you all to clean the house and sleep early. " My father spoke, not demanding or anything, just pure question with no intention of getting angry.
"Sorry dad, I just got back from work. " My oldest brother answered, he was like my father not talkative but talk when needed. I've always respected him.
"..." My second brother stayed silent. He was quick to get angry, I've always avoided to speak with him.
"..." My third brother, he was always the cheer type but he become silent after a few incident. I was too young and childish to recognise that at the moment.
"I was planning to do it after I get done with my homework." My fourth brother, the only person I can talk to like a friend in the house since he's the liveliest child and always hang out with me. Although I say we talk like friends, it's just me feeling that way.
"..." I was always the silent type, my family members are all mature and I'm the only one who's still a child. That's what I thought, I never put any effort in getting closer to my brother, they were all busy with their own things.
"Come on boys, your mother just got home and you leave things messy?" My father didn't scold them, just questioning. But for the kids, of course we thought he were mad.
"It's fine, I dont mind doing some work, getting some exercise should be fine." My mother spoke, never the one to get mad, always the gentlest.
All of my brother just stay silent, and quietly get things done without further ado.
Few years passed.
I'm 8 years old. I become much more livelier, I didn't think much since I'm a kid. We spent some days as family together.
Going to the waterpark, getting dinner together like any family would do. I was happy. Real happy as a child.
Maybe it was around when I was 9 I had my last family dinner together.
We were all in a seafood restaurant, ordering many kind of dishes talking to each other.
Me? I can't get into the conversation, the topic were too heavy for a child like me, they were talking about my brothers future. But hey, I'm just a kid, I couldn't careless at the moment just pure joy. Enjoying small things with family. Isn't that what family is all about?
After that dinner a few months passed, we were not spending time as family as much. And gradually grow apart from each other. We still live in the same house, but somehow it feels like I live with a bunch of strangers. But a child would have mental barrier, something like eating ice cream or just playing would be enough.
My oldest brother, who I never really spoke to, because he seemed distant and too mature for my own good. I mean 14 years apart? He's already an adult by the time I just know how to multiply numbers. He started to work, getting busy and busier. Never gone to college but a very hardworking man.
Now don't get me wrong, just because I'm not close with my brothers doesn't mean we're hating on each other. Honestly I feel like my parents are the one who keeps us together.
My second brother recently graduated, doesn't have any job yet.
My third brother, I dont know why he become like this.So silent, but it's weird, he's the least I talk to.
My fourth brother got into well known high school. Smart and is going for university when finish high school.
Me, I'm average, my grades were average, my athletic ability is average. And the best thing? Our parents never question it, they are supportive which doesn't makes me too stressed around my brothers. I don't have to compete, I can live just normal.
But my mom condition, she's not at the best state always sick. And my dad? Busy with work, he need to provide for his family after all. Now then, what would happen if a youngest child who doesn't get enough attention from family would do? Tantrum? No. Stressed? No. Complaining? Also no.
It's simple, hanging out with friends. You know, typical kids going out playing sports, games and etc.
I have this friend who I considered my best friend. He is the middle child of his family. His family always spend time with each other. To be honest I was a bit annoyed.
I mean, when you don't do anything at home and now your friends doesn't have time for you? Yeah a kid would be annoyed.
Speaking of family, I was the youngest child right? My friend always said about going to his grandparents house. That pique my interest, grandparents?
I run back to my house and look for my mom.
"Mom, how come I never saw my grandparents? My friend always goes on about that!" I asked eagerly hoping to know about my grandparents.
"Dear, they are in the better place right now. " She said. Smiling at me with a hint of sadness.
Now I'm a kid with basically no brain. Both of my grandparents are no longer here. But I keep on asking. When I think back I was really an annoying piece of sh*t.
Few years passed again, now I'm 13. Starting from this point onwards me and my friends grew apart. Changing to different school.
When I was in school I'm just your average side character. Few friends, getting into class and go back to home.
I watched a few anime show and started being edgy. Even get the counselor to talk with me. What a load of bull. But hey, it's just me being me.
I was troublemaker, nah I'm just doing dumb sh*t for attention.
I get back to home and maybe this was the start of all roots. When I gradually become less energetic. My brothers on their own path while my mother doesn't have enough energy to do thing by herself.
You know, seeing her like that, crying by herself why she's like this, why can't she do things, my father, gentlemanly as ever comforted her every day.
At first when I was young, I would cry whenever she's sad. But the feelings gradually growing apart. To the point it just become daily routine.
I was disappointed in myself, I was not able to feel sad whenever I see my mom like that. It's just become daily routine. I really really am disappointed in myself.
My second brother, who always makes me do stuff, helping him buying stuff and all that. Always angry when I do things wrong.
I could only curse at him in my mind. He got a job, but after get back home he would always holed up in his room.
I was getting annoyed by my household. At that time the feelings weren't as strong. I just kept at it while thinking "This is just how things are."
Everytime I hang out with my friends, they get message and call from their parents or family member asking how are they doing. I always had free time. Given how things are at my house.
But those free times were not much when your friend is always busy with their family. Like when it's time for holiday. All of my friends spend time with their family. I have no one to hang out with.
I was bored outta my mind. Back at home I would play with my phone without interacting with my family members. I couldn't bother my mom too much. And my dad are busy taking care of her? My brother? Meh.
I would always wait for my friend to come back when they finish their stuff with their family.
It was always like this, day by day passed and I was 15 or 16 around the time. Maybe I was emotionally unstable or having less emotion by the time.
I was just walking into my third brothers room. I lift up his bed and saw something and reach for it.
"What's this? A small plastic bag?" I couldn't careless. I put it back and just get to my own things.
A few months passed by. It was just another day. Another day to pass by. And it was during pandemic too.
Someone ring our house bell. It was a man in regular clothing.
My father went to talk with a worried face, and the man come in checking our house.
You know how I mentioned my third brother used to be cheerful? Yeah he was accused of doing something bed a long time ago when I was a kid. That's why he is introverted now.
But because he was accused back then, it has come to this.
Maybe it was my fault for not telling my father. Maybe it was my fault for not realising sooner. Maybe it was because I'm still immature. Maybe it's because I couldn't careless about my household.
My third brother. Get caught for doing drugs. It was a sad day. My mom cried for a long time and my dad had a disappointed look.
That small plastic bag contains drugs. Apparently the neighbours saw my brother with some random man exchanging shady conversation.
The man was a police in normal clothing, who would have thought? My mom begged the police that he would never do this while my dad seemed like he know all this time but apparently he was shocked himself.
The funny part is, when I see such a disaster state of my family, I couldn't cry, couldn't get mad. I just see how the police took my brothers away. It was shocking to myself that is. Before I know it, I had become emotionless towards my family.
Weird, I was supposed to be sad or angry. But I just watch the scene from the sidelines. With blank expressions, I couldn't care. I was stupidly enough to think "it just how things are."
After that, my brother were sent for a counseling and disciplinary in another state.
By that time, my second brother who I was scared of, he was getting unhealthy, going to work and hole up in his room. My first brother were married and he's happily live on his own house.
Now I'm 17, my fourth brother are now in college. To get a degree it takes 3 to 4 years right? But let's not go there yet.
Now I finished high school. I took a part time, it was just a simple pizza shop. I work for 4 months. By this time, I'm emotionally distant from my family. I only talk to my parents.
My parents were generous people, I'm always grateful to them even though I could careless about my family situation. They send me to a college. I spent my time there as a total loner. Just thinking to finish this and get my diploma.
Now I'm currently 20 and doing my internship. My fourth brother? He didn't even finish his diploma yet, and here i thought he was doing degree. he didn't go for a few semester. I should've known since he stayed home for a long time even though he didn't graduate. He was a smart person, but one day I found out that he had mental issues. Bad enough for him to take a break for a few semester.
I dont know what's the reason. All I know he's not in the right state of mind. And once more, maybe it was my way to put myself together, maybe I'm just gaslighting myself, i thought to myself "Its just how things are." Thankfully now he continues his study.
My second brother however, living the same life, he stopped bossing me around when he got into a fight with my fourth brother. He become even more of a loser. Holed up in room and going to work.
I thought to myself "What a loser." Even though he's older than me, he's a total mess even I could tell. By the time, it was too late.
You know my friends, my childhood friends, we were always hanging out together. I would always be full of emotion when with my friends.
To the point I get too comfortable, I easily get mad and frustrated it becomes annoying for them. I always get angry whenever we playing sports or games and I'm on losing side.
They would go "Hey it was just a game." And I'm childish. I lash out. I'm a sore loser. Before I knew it they started hanging out without me. But I stayed silent pretending not to care.
My third brother finally finished his sentence and come back as a better person. Working hard without complaining but it was too late. Not for him, or my family. But to myself.
By the time I couldn't feel anything to my brothers. It didn't even come to my mind to congratulate him.
My first brother now live with his wife, my second brother now is a NEET, my third brother becomes a better person, my fourth brother continues his study.
And me? I thought to myself "What a joke of a family."
I was ungrateful, I should've spoken soon to them back when I was younger, I should reach out but I was too busy with my own emotion only care about myself.
Then there's new year. My friend planned for us to hang out. I was excited to go, all of us are. But then one of my friends couldn't make it because his motorcycle was down. Then the whole plane was cancelled. Why? Because the friend who couldn't make it was the favourite friend among the circle.
I tried to convince my friends to go hang out but rejected bluntly. And that's when I said something I regretted. Something childish for my age.
"Is it because 'the friend' couldn't make it." I was frustrated, I want to hang out, I've always been there when they need me so I thought maybe I can ask this one time. I pointed out how they hanging out without me, and i just keep on and getting angrier.
"What's wrong with you? Do you think we're selective of our friends?" They replied bluntly. As if sending message to say I'm annoying.
And I got mad, get into fights. Maybe it was because they are normal kids with normal family. It's how the things are. I'm the one who are too possessive. Too immature. Too dumb. Holding onto my only friendship that I loved too much. That I didn't know I become toxic around others.
I'm always there, so why couldn't they just hang out with me? I was jealous. Enraged. Something I couldn't do my whole life.
The new year morning I spend my time alone at the park, regretting every word thinking back if I hadn't do this or that. We would still be friends.
All I could think of why my life is like this, why am I a loser, questioning everything, it's on my mind for 3 days straight. Eating me inside, my heart feel like it would burst out of madness and sadness.
Now I'm all alone, no friend no whatever. I haven't even started my degree journey yet but I messed up a big time in my social life.
Would thing be different if my mother were healthy, would it be different if I reach out sooner to my brothers, would it be different if I didn't talk about favouritism to my friend. Self guilt, loathing on myself making me so stressed over the time.
All of it hit during new year, like a truck crashing straight to me. Like life telling me to p*ss off.
By this point, I become who I am today, careful of what I'm thinking, calculating before speaking and thinking how would it effect me and others.
My dad and mom who the only one I talk to. And my brothers who became basically strangers in my life.
Lastly my friends for over 10 years, parted ways due to myself being stupid. I live my life empty, going forward not knowing what will happen. All I know is just to go on with life.
Maybe it was because emotional burden. Or maybe I was just selfish. Now all I got is to hold on and be better person than who I am yesterday.
My family are not struggling financially, we're all just living our lives. And I should be understanding.
And now even when things go wrong, when things got better I thought to myself, "It's just the way things are." I used these words to comfort myself and keeps myself strong. And slowly getting mature as the time pass.