[SCENE: REALITY'S A MESS. CAMERA IS SHAKING. POV FLIPS BETWEEN ANGLES LIKE A VLOGGER HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN ON A ROLLERCOASTER.]
DEADPOOL (screaming directly into the camera, shaking it like it owes him rent):
"What do you mean no?! I did everything you wanted! I was your precious little plot device! I made your nepo baby MC stronger! I emotionally manipulated reality with a wink and a fart!"
(He yanks the camera. Every time he shakes it, the entire POV shifts—third person, second person, first person, GoPro strapped to a dolphin's fin.)
DEADPOOL (voice cracking like puberty in reverse):
"So what if I changed your sad little self-insert's tragic backstory and made it a musical flashback with glitter and daddy issues?! Does it matter?! NO! We're in CHAPTER TWENTY-FREAKIN'-ONE! Nobody reads this far except horny masochists and insomnia-riddled college students!"
(He freezes. A subtitle appears under him: "Deadpool – Currently Screaming Like a Bitch.")
DEADPOOL (offended):
"OI! Who put that?! Who called me a bitch?! No. You're the bitch. You're my little bitch. You keyboard-clacking, third-act-rewriting, emotionally unavailable fanfic gremlin!"
(He reaches into… somewhere. Don't ask. He pulls out a glowing Reality Stone, radiant, pulsing, and way too red to be legal.)
DEADPOOL:
"You see this?! This right here?! THIS took me six side quests, three multiverse tax forms, and a morally questionable handjob for The Collector just to get!"
(He holds it up. It glows ominously… and then he turns it into a unicorn-pony hybrid, mounts it, and soars thirty feet into the air with sparkles and "Careless Whisper" playing softly.)
DEADPOOL (yelling mid-flight):
"I even changed the previous chapter setting from 21+ to PG-13 just for you, Author! You hear me?! I took out the yaoi foam pit, the oily wrestling flashback, and even the emotional pegging subplot so you wouldn't get banned from every platform on the internet!"
(Reality literally yanks him back down like a parent grabbing a kid from the cookie jar. He crashes to the ground with a cartoonish thud. Stands up. Dusted with regret.)
DEADPOOL (into the camera, like a therapist on their last straw):
"What? Why haven't I unchained the MC yet? Oh, I dunno, maybe because the chains are made from the hardest metal in the multiverse, forged in the flames of Plot Convenience, and reinforced with Author laziness?!"
(He whistles. Looks away. Pretends to tie his shoe. He's not wearing shoes.)
DEADPOOL (fake casual):
"Just 'cause I'm a plot device doesn't mean I'm your narrative janitor. I've got boundaries. I've got trauma. I've got fan mail, people."
(Behind him, the MC stares blankly. Still chained. Still confused. Still emotionally scarred.)
AFTER A ROUND OF WHATEVER-THE-HELL-IS-HAPPENING...
(Deadpool reappears. Holding the unicorn pony like a therapy plushie.)
DEADPOOL (grumbling):
"OKAY, okay. FINE. I'll remove the reality stone signature from the MC. No meeting Thanos, no surprise visit from The Collector, no cosmic butt stuff."
(He dramatically pulls the Reality Stone from the pony's mouth. It pops like a cork. Hands it to the MC like a sketchy dude handing over contraband candy.)
DEADPOOL:
"Here. Take it. It's emotionally unstable and probably radioactive, but hey—you're the MC. Go get 'em, tiger. Or lion. Or trauma vending machine."
(MC blinks. He opens his mouth to ask a question.)
DEADPOOL (already airborne on his unicorn pony again):
"What now?! What's the problem now?!"
MC:
"…This is fake."
DEADPOOL (offended again, clutching his pearls—if he had any):
"EXCUSE ME? You dare question my gift? That was a replica-grade emotionally symbolic Reality Stone! It even had limited-edition sparkles!"
(MC throws the fake one down. It explodes into confetti and glittery plot holes.)
AFTER YET ANOTHER ROUND OF WHATEVER-THE-HELL-IS-HAPPENING...
(Deadpool floats back down. Pouting like a child who didn't get dessert.)
DEADPOOL (grumbling):
"Fiiiiiine. You want the real one? You want your big, sparkly, canon-breaking McMuffin of Destiny? Here."
(He pulls the REAL Reality Stone from… again, don't ask. It glows so brightly it sings. Literally. It hums Beyoncé.)
(He hands it to the MC like a final rose on The Bachelor.)
DEADPOOL (fake tear):
"You better cherish it. I went through six crossovers, two cease-and-desist letters, and one intense cuddle session with Deadpool Noir to get this."
(He climbs onto his unicorn-dolphin hybrid and blasts into the sky, trailing rainbows, trauma, and leftover dialogue from canceled scenes.)
DEADPOOL (fading into the distance):
"DON'T SCREW IT UP, MC! And tell the Author I'm still waiting for that yaoi bonus chapter! TWO RYANS AND A JACKMAN FOREVER!"
(And with that, he's gone. Probably to destroy another chapter or emotionally scar someone's OC.)
---
[TO BE CONTINUED IN: "DEADPOOL VS THE AUTHOR: WRITERS' ROOM RUMBLE"]
(Rated PG-13, but barely. Viewer discretion? Strongly advised.)
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[END CREDITS ROLLING… soft orchestral music plays. Just as you're about to click away, the screen flickers. Glitches. A sound like a fart through a kazoo interrupts everything.]
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[SMASH CUT TO: DEADPOOL, sitting on a beanbag made of gold coins, wearing sunglasses at night, sipping a Capri Sun with a tiny umbrella in it. His mask is wet. Don't ask.]
DEADPOOL (leaning into camera, whispering):
"Wait. Wait. Don't leave yet. You thought that was the end? You sweet, sweet goldfish. No no no. I had a deal with the Author."
(He pulls out a crumpled napkin with "REAL CONTRACT" written in crayon and the word "CHIMICHANGAS" underlined seventeen times.)
DEADPOOL (dead serious):
"Four and a half chapters. That's what we agreed. I'd play the good little plot device, push your wish-fulfillment MC toward anime godhood, sponsor your sad little Patreon so you can buy name-brand cereal for once… and in return?"
(He holds up a dramatic poster that says: "MOUNTAIN OF CHIMICHANGAS. EPIC. UNLIMITED. GREASY.")
DEADPOOL:
"But NOOOOOOO. Guess what? The Author, that dirty little fiction gnome, made every chimichanga in this story taste like Thanos' testicles."
(He pauses. Nods slowly.)
DEADPOOL:
"Yeah. I said it. And yeah. I know what that tastes like. I've tasted Thanos' chin. You think I stopped there? You think I didn't explore the full purple fruit basket?!"
(He stares into the void. Quiet. Haunted. Then shakes it off.)
"But Don't not scared. I'm Marvel Jesus, baby. The redemption arc, the side quest, and the NSFW scene all in one! So if you want explosions, emotional damage, and maybe—just maybe—a scene where I ride a space dolphin into battle while wielding a double-ended lightsaber shaped like a chimichanga…"
(He winks. Long. Too long. Uncomfortably long.)
DEADPOOL:
"…Stick around. Bring your tissues. Not for crying. You know what I mean. Wink wink."
(A spotlight appears. He poses dramatically.)
DEADPOOL (to camera):
"Just remember: I am the Deadpool baby. And I'm this close to turning his next emotional character death into a musical number starring Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling, and Hugh Jackman in a three-way Broadway finale."
(He points to the bottom of the screen. A fake movie title appears.)
---
### Coming Soon: "DEADPOOL VS SPACE – Love, War, and Legal Grey Areas"
(Rated PG-13... barely. Narrated by Morgan Freeman's AI clone. The text color the same as Thanos balls.)
-------------------
The screen changes from deadpool as deadpool tries to catch the camera. the camera flies away.
MC: Let me die.
Author: Why did I even let Deadpool in the story? He just tanked my views and made the story even more confusing than it already was.
(Somewhere in the distance, "It's because you love me. And Tell Fury I am taking his porn library. And I need my chimichanga.)
PS: I cut the part where I sent Johnny back to the future because timey-wimey stuff hurts my head a lot.
PS.PS: MC got a infinity stone again. I wonder how it happened*winkWInk*