3
The sun hadn't even fully cleared the horizon before May was dragging me out of my sleeping bag by my ankles.
"Wakey-wakey, Jakey! The glutes don't grow on their own!"
"May, it's 5:00 AM," I croaked, my face pressed against the damp grass. "The only thing I want growing right now is my hours of sleep."
Ten minutes later, I was forced into a standing position. Lens was hovering, the red light blinking. "Zzzzt! Morning glow is perfect for skin tones! We are LIVE, darling!"
"Morning, Chat," I muttered to the camera, trying to look halfway presentable. "Welcome to the 'May Maple Survival Hour.' If I collapse, tell my Mom I loved her, but her daughter-in-law pick is a menace."
May didn't hear me. She was standing by the edge of a sizeable pond, wearing a sports bra that was doing God's work and some spandex shorts. "Okay! Warm-up! Just a simple explosive jump-squat to get the blood flowing! Follow my lead!"
May crouched down, her muscles coiling like a Spring-Loaded Trap. Then, she launched.
BOOM.
It wasn't a jump; it was a localized earthquake. She shot twenty feet into the air, and the sheer displacement of force when she pushed off the muddy bank created a shockwave. A literal wall of water from the pond erupted upward, drenching me and Lens, and sending a school of terrified Magikarp flying onto the grass.
[Chat Log]
WaterFlower_Misty: WHAT WAS THAT?! Did she just use Hydro Pump with her legs?!
GymBro_Chuck: THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! EX-PLO-SIVE!
IceCreamQueen_C: ...Is the geography of Hoenn safe? Truly?
SilentRed: [GIF: Blinking White Guy]
I wiped pond water off my face. "See? This is what I deal with. I'm traveling with a human Giga Impact."
The Encounter: The Odd Couple
After drying off (and May apologizing by nearly crushing my ribs in another hug), we began the trek back toward Littleroot to finally get my starter. Halfway through Route 101, Lens zoomed in on a rustling bush.
"Zzzzt! High-definition drama detected! Zooming in!"
A blue-furred Purrloin burst out of the brush, looking hissed off. Chasing right behind her was a Rattata. They weren't fighting, though—they were bickering. I signaled May to stay quiet, and we crouched in the tall grass.
"I'm tellin' ya, Pipsqueak, if you don't stop trippin' over your own tail, the local Jennys gonna scoop us up before we even hit the city limits!" The Purrloin spoke. Her voice was pure street—sharp, fast, and sounding like she'd grown up in the rougher back-alleys of Castelia City.
"Oh, do pipe down, you unrefined feline!" The Rattata snapped back. His voice was jarringly posh—thick Galarian accent, sounding like he should be sipping tea in a manor rather than scurrying through Hoenn dirt. "My 'tripping,' as you so crudely put it, was a tactical roll to avoid that Low Kick from the Shroomish! One must maintain one's dignity, even in retreat!"
The chat went absolutely silent for three seconds before exploding into a supernova of spam.
[Chat Log]
Clone_02: Talking specimens? Impossible. Unless...
IceCreamQueen_C: Jake, are you seeing this? Their vocal cords... the syntax...
Master_Oak: Incredible! I've heard of a Meowth in Kanto with this ability, but two at once?!
SilentRed: [GIF: Guy dropping his glasses]
"Yo, Pips," the Purrloin said, her ears twitching. She suddenly stepped in front of the Rattata, her claws unsheathing. "Pipe down. We got company. I smell... expensive hair gel and... is that Pecha berry shampoo?"
"Actually, it's Moomoo Milk conditioner," I said, standing up and raising my hands. "Don't mind us. We're just... live-streaming."
The Rattata stood on his hind legs, adjusting his whiskers as if they were a bowtie. "A 'live-stream'? How quaint. I suppose we've stumbled upon a common 'Influencer' in the wild. How dreadfully droll."
"Watch it, posh-boy," the Purrloin hissed, though she didn't look scared. She looked at the camera drone, then at me, then at May. Her eyes widened as she looked at May. "Whoa. Hey, Pips, check out the muscle on the dame. She looks like she eats Machokes for breakfast."
"I don't eat them! They're friends!" May shouted, sounding genuinely offended.
"She's a bit loud, isn't she?" the Rattata remarked, looking at me with pity. "My dear fellow, you look positively exhausted. Are you being held hostage? Blink twice if the muscular maiden is keeping you against your will."
I looked at the camera. "Chat, I think I just found my starter(s). And they're already roasting me."
[Chat Log]
PervySage: The cat is a vibe. I like her energy.
DragonTamer_Lance: Jake, if you can capture them, the research potential alone is staggering!
IceCreamQueen_C: Be careful, Jake. Talking Pokémon are usually highly intelligent—and highly manipulative.
"So," I said, leaning in. "What are a city-slicker cat and a Galarian gentleman doing in the middle of Hoenn?"
The Purrloin smirked, showing a sharp fang. "We're lookin' for a meal and a ride. And you look like you got deep pockets and a lot of followers, Pretty Boy."