August 2003 – 7:32 AM
The Bennett House, Los Angeles
I woke up with a headache that felt as if someone had compressed 27 years of memory into an eight-year-old's skull. Images overlapped—hospital screens, the wiki, Alex Dunphy's face across eleven seasons, and now… a child's room with solar system posters, an old desktop computer.
Now I was eight years old.
I was Leo Bennett.
And I remembered everything.
CANON GUARDIAN SYSTEM INITIATED
USER: Leo Bennett (8 years old)
KARMIC DEBT: 1,000/1,000 CP
DAILY OBJECTIVE: Observe without intervening = +10 to +50 CP
WARNING: Direct contact before 2009 = -100 CP
I got up and went to the window—a quiet street, a Los Angeles suburb. This wasn't the Dunphy neighborhood yet. According to my canonical memory, the Dunphys lived in another area until at least 2006.
My first test was in the kitchen. My new parents, Mark and Susan Bennett, were having breakfast.
"Leo, honey, are you okay? You look pale," said Susan.
CANONICAL ANALYSIS: Generic, loving, narratively underdeveloped parents. Do not appear in Modern Family canon. Can operate with autonomy.
"I just dreamed about… trains," I said, choosing something an eight-year-old would say.
"Trains!" Mark said enthusiastically. "Did you know Japan's fastest train goes 375 mph?"
TROPE DETECTED: FATHER WHO SHARES RANDOM FACTS
+10 CP (First trope detected)
DEBT: 990/1,000 CP
It worked. The system responded. Every trope, every narrative pattern I detected gave me points. It was a game of patience. I had to observe, document, and wait.
My first real observation of the Dunphys happened three weeks later, on September 5, 2003, at the FreshMart supermarket.
TROPE DETECTED: USELESS FATHER IN SUPERMARKET WITH KIDS
+30 CP
There he was: Phil Dunphy, age 36, trying to contain Haley (8) who was putting chocolates in the cart, while pushing a cart with Luke (3) who was screaming, and next to him… a little six-year-old girl with glasses that covered half her face, reading the label on a soup can.
Alexandra Dunphy.
Six years old.
In the flesh.
My heart stopped. She wasn't a screen image; she was three-dimensional, with texture, with the sound of her high, clear voice.
"Dad, this soup has 890 milligrams of sodium per serving. That exceeds 38% of the recommended daily value for a child my age."
Phil, distracted: "But it has dinosaurs on the can, Alex! Dinosaurs are awesome!"
Alex put the can back on the shelf with a precocious look of disdain. "Dinosaurs went extinct from not adapting. It's not a good sales argument."
TROPE DETECTED: CHILD PRODIGY WHO CORRECTS ADULTS
+50 CP
CANONICAL EVENT RECORDED: Alex shows precocious intelligence at age 6 (consistent with canon)
DEBT: 910/1,000 CP
I wanted to approach her and say: "You're right, emotional marketing is a logical fallacy." But the system flashed red in my peripheral vision.
WARNING: PREMATURE CONTACT DETECTED
MINIMUM INTERACTION AGE: 12 years (you) and 10 years (her)
YEAR ALLOWED: 2007
PENALTY FOR INTERVENING: -500 CP
RECOMMENDATION: WITHDRAW
I turned and left the aisle, my heart pounding. She was real, too real. And I had to wait four more years.
The following years were an exercise in massive restraint. I became a ghost ethnographer of the Dunphy family.
2004 (Me 9, Alex 7): I saw them at the park. Alex was explaining to Luke (4) why the swing was a simple pendulum. Phil was filming. Claire arrived, stressed from work. Haley was ignoring everyone.
TROPES DETECTED:
"Ignorant older sister" (+20 CP)
"Stressed working mother" (+20 CP)
"Chaotic little boy" (+20 CP)
DEBT: 850/1,000 CP
2005 (Me 10, Alex 8): Elementary school science fair. Alex won with a project on photosynthesis. Haley won "best presentation" for a baking soda volcano that didn't even work. I saw Alex's expression. It wasn't envy; it was epistemological confusion. She didn't understand why style was worth more than substance.
CANONICAL EVENT CONFIRMED: Inception of "Beauty vs. Brain" dynamic.
+100 CP
DEBT: 750/1,000 CP