Then things changed - no going back. Each morning dragged, full of fear. I faked it, though my gut twisted tight. Didn't need eyes on me. Classes came and I forced smiles around people. I replied to stuff during lessons. On top of that, I finished assignments when they were due. Yet each afternoon back at home, those emotions showed up again. My pulse kicked up. A knot grew in my gut. Fear crept in, tense and quiet.
At home, I'd hide in my room whenever I could. Reading stuff took up time - also played songs on repeat while scribbling thoughts down. Stuff like how scared I felt, that weird dread piling up, plus this thing nobody knew about. Figuring it out seemed doable at first. Maybe even fixable. Still, no luck came around. Those emotions didn't fade - they built up instead.
My dad acted like nothing was off. He'd chat with me just how he used to. Asking stuff about my day. Questions about class came up now and then. Now and again, he'd smile - yet it twisted something inside me. Occasionally, his hand would brush my shoulder when he assumed I wasn't paying attention. I'd feel the urge to say something - make it stop. Shoving him off felt like what I should do. Yet nothing happened. Each time he got close, I just locked up.
That day, things seemed off somehow. Something about how I moved didn't feel right. Energy stayed low no matter what. Food wasn't appealing at all lately. A bit of nausea popped up now and then. No clue what caused it though. Figured I'd just push through anyway. I kept thinking it didn't matter. Yet inside, I could feel things were off.
My dad saw it as well. Then he wondered whether I was fine. Sure thing, I replied - but my tone wavered. His eyes locked on mine, his brow creasing. A knot built up inside me. I felt like bolting. Then maybe vanishing somewhere quiet. A part of me even wished to shout out loud. Still, I stayed put. Instead, I gave a small nod while forcing a grin.
Time went by, yet the sensations inside me kept building. I didn't dare speak up - worried how people might react. Fear crept in whenever I thought about being discovered. Mom always had things going on, never really around. She made meals, tidied up, then now and then checked on my day at school. I grinned, and told her it was okay. She bought it. Part of me hoped she'd see through it - yet I stayed quiet. Nobody got the real story.
At times, I got lightheaded. Every now and then, breathing seemed hard. I'd sit alone in my room, sobbing low. Hoping deep down it would just end. I asked for life to just settle down… yet nothing changed. My body shifted on its own - no say in it at all.
That day, Mom was cutting veggies in the kitchen while I stood nearby. Then Dad walked in. His grin hit me like a punch. The knife slipped from my hand - clattered on the floor. She looked up, asking if something was wrong. I just shook my head. He grabbed the blade off the ground, still smirking. I felt like bolting - yet my feet wouldn't move. Leaving wasn't an option, no matter how hard I tried.
Then things began changing - my body wasn't the same each morning. One day I'd feel weak, next thing you know, nausea hits. Clothes squeezed a bit more by the week. Hiding it? It's impossible now. Fear crept in fast. No clue how to handle this. Talking to Mom seemed like the only move. I wanted to spill it to somebody - yet I held back. The weight? Just too much to carry.
At school, I'd try to pay attention - though it wasn't always easy. Hanging out with buddies kept me busy. There were plenty of jokes and grins. Acting like nothing bothered me felt normal then. Still, once I got home, that old heaviness returned. Each time I'd see Dad, that jittery feeling would come back. It made me angry at myself for reacting like that. He was the reason I felt it, so I blamed him instead. The hidden truth weighed heavy - too huge, too frightening.
That night, sleep wouldn't come. I just sat there in the dark, tears slipping down. Then - knock, knock - the door moved a bit. He was standing there, but I turned away. I didn't want him close. Still, he walked right in. Asked if I was doing fine. I nodded, though it wasn't true. Took a seat next to me. Spoke real quiet. Brushed his fingers on mine. I went stiff. It felt like pulling back. Thought about bolting. Almost shouted out loud. Yet nothing happened.
Once he was gone, I just fell apart. Tears slipped out, muffled by the fabric near my face. I kept thinking - this isn't right. I swore under my breath - it won't go down like this ever again. Still, I saw it coming. That hidden truth got out of hand. Emotions ran deep. My shape shifted - no stopping that now.
The next day I opened my eyes, tired and off. Breakfast made me want to gag. Mom glanced over, curious. Told her food didn't sound good. She frowned a bit but let it slide. Part of me hoped she'd notice something deeper. I hoped somebody'd step in. Yet no one was around - just me, holding that hidden truth. Just me, stuck with the dread. Me, wrestling what I felt inside.
Time passed, yet new clues kept showing up. Things shifted inside me - different somehow. Energy dipped low every single day. Nausea popped up now and then. Keeping quiet wasn't possible anymore. Fear crept in heavily. The future? Totally unclear. I stayed in my room whenever I could. Then I'd scribble notes in my journal. Sometimes tears slipped out, soft and quick. Hope crept in when I begged for silence. Not just noise - my dad's rage had to end. Just once, I asked for things to feel okay again.
Yet things kept changing. Emotions piled up. Clues added up. Fear hit me hard. What if Mom discovered everything? Would my days ever feel right again? I feared my dad. Yet I also feared who I was.
That night, sleep just wouldn't come. Wide awake, my mind kept spinning through stuff. The hidden truth was on my mind. Then there were those clues that stood out. My old man popped into thoughts too. I wondered about how my body felt. Then, memories of mom popped up. What if she ever learned? My head spun while fear crept in. Pulse thumping hard, almost loud. Tears slipped out without sound.
I sensed a shift. A major event was on its way - unavoidable, no turning back. It'd reshape everything about my life. No clue what exactly. Didn't understand the how or when either. I just realized the signs had been around. Everywhere you looked. But now they couldn't stay buried.
After that night, everything changed inside me. A weight settled deep within. Fear crept through my thoughts, quiet but constant. There was no escape from how it held me. Talking wasn't an option - I stayed silent. The truth kept growing, out of control. Emotions piled up, one after another. I couldn't halt the signals. All I grasped was how things were shifting now - yet there
There wasn't a thing I could try to hold it back.