Nova sat at her mirror, unfastening the last twist of her hair. One silver pin slipped from her fingers, clattered to the desk, and rolled to the edge.
She didn't reach for it. Her hands were trembling. She hadn't even realized.
She had made it back to the tent without breaking. But inside, she felt frightened.
A slow breath left her lips, but it didn't help. The ache in her chest was growing—tight, hollow, and impossibly heavy, like something buried inside her was clawing its way to the surface.
Fin.
The thought of him broke through her defenses before she could stop it. His name alone cracked her spine in two.
She wanted to see him. Gods, she needed to see him. Just a glimpse. Just a touch. Even if he was asleep. If it weren't a risk for her to use the portal, she might have begged Aeron —consequences be damned. She'd only need five minutes. Just five. But even in her tent, there was always an unnecessary risk.
A wave of anxiety and grief washed over her. It was all too familiar. She recognized it right away. Those waves hadn't stopped, in fact they'd be worse since being at the Summit.
Her heart ached. Jax was here and within reach, yet so far away. She couldn't hug him or even speak freely with him like they used to. He didn't play, joke, or tease her. He was overformal, detached, and she understood why. He was the Gamma advisor to the pack Luna. That's all they were now.
Marra was a good person, a great Gamma, and her friend. She had reassured Marra on Jax again and again. Each time she did, it hurt. But she knew it was the right thing to do.
Jax and her were forever changed and their relationship would not be anything close to what it was. She loved Jax with every fiber of her body for months. She loved him so much that she made the impossible decision, and let him go. He deserved to be happy and with his fated. His destiny.
As she watched him with Marra, it made her sad, but she knew she didn't have a right to be. But Nova wanted him to be happy. Marra and him were an excellent match. She had Fin, her fated mate and she already loved him after a week. Fin and her were right together, and she knew it.
"What is wrong with me?" She said aloud to herself.
The world was on fire, and queens didn't get five minutes.
Her reflection blurred. She blinked hard, steadying herself.
No. Focus.
There were still people she needed to meet. Possibly damage control with Balen. Now that she was outed as being the white wolf. Marra would need to firm up the ground there. It wasn't done. Not yet.
Her fingers gripped the armrests of her chair. Skin against polished wood.
They were still shaking. Then came the creeping edges of panic. Familiar. Suffocating.
Her vision narrowed. Her chest stuttered.
No—not now—
She tried to breathe through it. Inhale. Exhale. Count. Ground. She reached for the fabric of her cloak, anchoring herself to the texture.
Still—the tightness didn't pass.
Her heart felt like it was fluttering in her ribs. Like it was trying to escape.
She focused on her breathing. Her lungs slowed. Her pulse steadied. The tightness dulled.
She had been trying to keep her focus on the tasks at hand. But the second she stopped and took a moment for herself, she felt waves of all of it. Fin had helped her so much after severing her matebond. He had become her salvation in a sea of darkness that consumed her and without him, it was starting to close in again.
But then, it happened again. Nova felt a pang in her chest as her fingers started to tingle. Her breathing was uneven. She gasped for a full breath but struggled. She heard herself wheeze.
"Shoot…no…" She gasped. This was the last thing she needed.
She was angry at herself for letting her thoughts and emotions spiral to this point.
"Gods.. what is wrong with me…"
A silent tear fell from her eye and she felt more panic bubble up. She didn't want anyone to see her like this. She was supposed to be strong.
Then she felt a jab of pain inside her core. She fell to her knees trying to steady her breath. More panic bubbled inside of her. Her hand clutched over her chest. She tried to stand but felt light headed and ended up leaning on the table.
Now, more tears falling.
Then, Jax ran into the tent and pulled her up into his arms. She started to sob.
"It's okay… I'm here." Jax said, holding her. His hold was tight around her, and was exactly what she didn't know she needed.
"Nothing will happen to you under my watch. I promise I'm not going anywhere." He added.
"Match my breathing." He said, now breathing in her scent each breath. He got lost for a minute. Sparks danced where their skin touched. His wolf stirred again in his mind. He kissed the top of her head out of instinct. It took everything he had not to kiss her lips and pull her onto his lap so he could properly hold her. That's what he'd been wanting for over a week.
His wolf agreed.
Talon: Mate. She's the real mate.
"Breathe in… Breathe out." Jax said, still holding her for a minute letting her match his breathing.
"There it is." He said finally, kissing her on the temple now. He held his lips there for a second longer than he should have but he didn't want to let go. He felt electric sparks when his lips met her skin. Stronger than he expected. The sparks were as strong as they were before their bond was severed.
Her breathing slowed matching his. He could sense her feeling of relief from his presence. But also feelings of shame, anger at herself, and panic threatening to bubble up again.
"Nova, don't feel bad about this. There's nothing to be ashamed of… and I won't tell anyone." His voice cracked, holding her tighter. She sobbed, confirming what he thought she was feeling.
"I want you to know you can always come to me." He said, eyes welling. He swallowed a frog in his throat. There was so much more he wanted to say.
She took a breath. She also wanted to say so much, but all she could get out was. "I m-miss you so much Jax."
He swallowed a lump in his throat. Gods he missed her. "I wish you would have told me Nova. Not just this time, but in general. It kills me to see you like this."
He knew she had been having panic attacks from Fin, but he also learned she had been having those while they were still together and somehow hiding it.
"It's not your b-b-burden J-jax. This is not your fault." She said with a sob, but caught herself before she started again.
"It is my fault Nova." He said, hesitating. He took a breath and added, "I should have broken the bond with Marra the second it happened. You were always my choice, and will always be. I failed you and I'm sorry you were forced into an impossible decision." Jax's voice cracked and his eyes welled.
"You don't mean that Jax. Marra is p-perfect for y-you. She's your equal in so many ways and –" Nova took a staggered breath, trying to fight another sob from escaping her lips.
"I felt your pull to her through our m-matebond when she walked into the room. Your body reacted to her in a way I'd n-never seen f-from you. I knew I h-had never given you that. You are lucky to have her." Nova added. "She's a good one Jax."
Jax swallowed. He wanted to tell Nova that she was wrong. He also didn't want her to think any of that was true. Their bonds, his attraction, their scents, their souls – none of it even compared. But she was with Fin. She was not his. What good would that do either of them?
"It was all j-just so fast and you were my everything. My world. My b-best f-friend, you were m-my f-family." She said now hiccuping aggressively that turned into sobs and her breathing became uneven again.
"It's okay Nova. Breathe. In. Out." Jax said. He was trying to calm her down and keep himself from sobbing. She was all of that to him too.
Before Jax could respond to what she had said before that, Rex ran into the tent unannounced.
He had his hand on his chest and was panting. He saw Nova hiccuping, eyes red and Jax hugging her. Something in his heart cracked at the sight.
"Nova… don't worry." He said, moving over to her and without asking or hesitating, pulled her out of Jax's arms and into his own.
"I knew what Starfang said rattled her." Rex muttered, as if Nova wasn't there.
"What did he say?" Jax asked darkly, regaining his composure, ignoring the raging possessive wolf under his skin.
Rex opened his mouth, but then shut it, unsure if he should repeat it with Nova there.
She hiccuped again, "It's okay R-rex. I j-just hope it doesn't affect our n-numbers."
"What did he say Nova?" Jax repeated himself.
Nova started hiccuping, having a hard time getting a full breath. She couldn't say it. This broke Rex.
"It's okay Nova. Don't worry, we are not going to flip based on that."
"I'm w-worried about Bloodmoon… h-he was working with an alliance to h-hunt the white wolf s-so we h-hid that from him."
Rex's face darkened, but Nova didn't see. "He won't flip. But we will do damage control either way."
"What did Starfang say, Rex? I need to know and the sooner the better."
"He said a lot of disrespectful shit and that no good Alpha, or man for that matter, would back."
"White wolf and my b-blood." Nova said hiccuping again, wiping her eyes.
"He also asked how she goes from an omega to queen, and why Alpha Shadowclaw took her from his own Gamma. Oh and asked if Shadowclaw was marked, what the recovery time was." Rex said, infuriated.
Jax's body was rigid. "He said what?"
Rex added,
"He threatened to make her bleed and if she was lucky he'd let her mark him after. Disgusting. That man is no Alpha or leader. His pack would be better without him."
"I am going to kill that bastard." Jax said.
"Let's rattle some kings. Any bastard that threatens Nova or betrays our alliance will join him." Rex agreed.