The Great Captain Usopp
We were walking calmly through the village streets when it happened.
"HALT THERE, PIRATES!"
A voice. Loud. Dramatic. Coming from nowhere.
We looked up.
A boy stood atop a hill, arms crossed, his silhouette cut sharply against the sky. Curly hair, a long nose, a bandana tied around his head. He pointed an accusing finger at us.
"I am the GREAT CAPTAIN USOPP! Commander of an army of ONE THOUSAND MEN! And you are NOT welcome here!"
Luffy tilted his head. "Huh? Who's that?"
Suddenly, dozens—no, HUNDREDS—of pirate flags burst out from behind bushes, trees, rocks. They waved everywhere, giving the impression of a massive army hidden nearby.
"My crew has surrounded you!" Usopp continued with a confident grin. "Surrender now or face our wrath!"
Nami narrowed her eyes. She studied the flags. Then the bushes. Then she sighed.
"They're sticks."
"What?" Luffy asked.
"The flags. They're tied to sticks stuck in the ground. There's no one behind them."
Three small children—doing a very poor job of hiding behind Usopp—let out squeaks of surprise.
"HOW DID YOU KNOW?!" one of them shouted.
Nami glared at them with a look that would have scared off a Sea King. "Because I'm not an idiot."
The three kids panicked and ran away. "CAPTAIN USOPP, WE'RE BAILING!"
Usopp stared after them, mouth agape. "HEY! WAIT FOR ME!"
Then he turned back toward us, realizing he was alone against four pirates. He gulped.
"Well… uh… listen, I just wanted to… scare you a little…"
He pulled out a slingshot and fired two pellets at our feet.
POP! POP!
Two pathetic little explosions kicked up a cloud of dust.
"TAKE THAT!"
Luffy blinked. "That's it?"
Zoro yawned. "I'm gonna take a nap."
Nami slowly stepped toward Usopp, her gaze still furious—not at him, but at me—yet the murderous aura coming off her was enough to make the poor boy tremble.
"I–I'M SORRY! DON'T KILL ME!"
He threw away his slingshot and raised his hands. "I was lying! I don't have an army! I'm all alone! Well—except for three kids! Please don't hurt the village!"
Luffy burst out laughing. "You're funny! I like you!"
"Huh?"
"You're a pirate?"
"Uh… yes? Well, no. I mean… I'm GOING to become a pirate. One day. Maybe."
"Cool! I'm a pirate too! I'm Monkey D. Luffy, and I'm gonna become the King of the Pirates!"
Usopp looked at him like he'd just said he was going to fly to the moon. "The… the King of the Pirates?"
"Yeah!"
"That's… ambitious."
Then Luffy tilted his head curiously. "Hey, you don't happen to know Yasopp, do you?"
Usopp froze. "Yasopp? You… you know my father?"
"Your father?! That's your DAD?! He's in Shanks's crew! He's an amazing sniper!"
Usopp's eyes lit up. "MY FATHER IS ALIVE?!"
"Yeah! I met him when I was little! He always talked about his son with pride!"
Tears welled up in Usopp's eyes. "My dad… he… he talks about me?"
"All the time!"
Restaurant and Revelations
An hour later, we were all sitting at a small restaurant in the village. Usopp had insisted on inviting us—a way to apologize for the ridiculous ambush.
The table was covered in dishes. Grilled meat, fried fish, vegetables, bread, soup… a real feast.
Luffy devoured everything within reach of his stretchy arms. "SO GOOD! MORE!"
Zoro ate calmly, savoring every bite.
Usopp told stories—probably fake—about his "pirate exploits."
And me? I was sitting next to Nami.
Who had her back turned to me.
Literally. She had rotated her chair to present her back to me, accompanied by a sigh so loud it sounded like a dragon exhaling.
"Nami…" I tried.
Silence.
"Listen, I'm really sorry about—"
She turned just enough to shoot me a look that clearly said: If you keep talking, I'll throw you out the window.
I shut up.
The meat arrived. Huge. Steaming. Delicious.
Luffy grabbed half of it at once, then started stealing from our plates. On reflex, I handed him mine.
"Here, take it all."
Luffy took it—but suddenly stopped. He looked at me with narrowed eyes.
"Hey, Marc."
"Yes?"
"I haven't seen you eat in days."
Silence fell over the table.
Zoro raised an eyebrow. Nami turned slightly. Usopp stopped chewing.
"I… what?"
"You haven't eaten," Luffy repeated with an unusually serious expression. "Not even a little. Not since we met."
I swallowed. "Uh…"
"Are you sick?" he asked worriedly. "Does your stomach hurt?"
Usopp snickered. "No way he hasn't eaten for days. He'd be dead."
"I… I can eat," I explained quickly. "And drink. It's just that… it's not a necessity for me. I can go without it."
Luffy stared at me like I'd just committed the crime of the century.
"WHAT?! YOU CAN'T GO WITHOUT IT! MEAT IS IMPORTANT! HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET STRONG IF YOU DON'T EAT?!"
"Luffy, I—"
"EAT! NOW!"
He shoved a huge piece of meat into my hands. "EAT OR I'LL LEAVE YOU ON THIS ISLAND!"
I sighed and took a bite.
It was… delicious.
The flavor exploded in my mouth. Juicy. Savory. Perfectly seasoned. My body didn't need it—but my taste buds were in heaven.
"It's… it's really good," I admitted with a smile.
Luffy beamed. "SEE?! MEAT IS LIFE!"
Even Nami cracked a small smile—her first since the Foundation.
We all ate together, the mood gradually relaxing. Zoro told an anecdote about hunting pirates. Usopp exaggerated his own stories. Luffy laughed loudly.
Then Nami asked an innocent question. "Hey, Usopp, what kind of meat is this?"
Usopp smiled proudly. "Ah! It's a local specialty. Smothered meat."
Silence.
Nami froze.
I froze.
Our eyes met.
Smothered.
Like in… the decompression room.
Like when I had tried to STRANGLE her.
Then I burst out laughing.
Uncontrollable. Hysterical. I fell backward, clutching my stomach, tears in my eyes.
"SMOTHERED MEAT! HAHAHAHA! IT'S TOO PERFECT!"
Nami wasn't laughing.
Smoke—literal SMOKE—came out of her ears. Her face turned red. Her fists clenched.
"Marc…" she said in a dangerously calm voice.
"Yes?" I replied between fits of laughter.
SMACK!
Her fist slammed into Usopp's face, sending him flying across the room.
"ARGH! WHY ME?!"
Then she turned toward me.
"Oh crap…"
SMACK!
Her punch hit me like a pile driver. My head slammed into the table with such force that the wood cracked.
CRACK!
Stars exploded in my vision. Not metaphorical ones. REAL stars. My brain had just suffered trauma that even SCP-006 couldn't ignore.
"BUT… HOW?!" I babbled, half-conscious. "I'M IMMORTAL…"
[ALERT: CEREBRAL DAMAGE DETECTED][REGENERATION IN PROGRESS…][ESTIMATED TIME: 30 SECONDS]
Everyone froze.
Luffy burst out laughing. "GYAHAHAHA! SHE KNOCKED YOU OUT! NAMI IS SO STRONG!"
Zoro whistled, impressed. "Nice hit."
Nami, still steaming with rage, crossed her arms and looked away. "He deserved it."
Usopp, nose bleeding, crawled over to me. "Dude… why US?! We didn't do anything!"
"Smothered… meat…" I muttered dazedly. "It was… too funny…"
SMACK!
She hit me again.
My head bounced off the table like a ping-pong ball.
"SHUT UP!"
Then she stood up and stormed out of the restaurant, leaving stunned silence behind her.
Luffy wiped tears from his eyes. "She's awesome!"
Zoro sighed. "We should go. Before she abandons us."
He picked me up by the collar like a sack of potatoes. My head dangled limply, my vision still blurry.
"Come on, immortal. Up you go."
"S–stars…" I muttered. "I see… unicorns…"
"You didn't see unicorns."
"Yes… a pink one… with a hat…"
[REGENERATION COMPLETE][CONSCIOUSNESS: RESTORED]
My vision suddenly cleared. I blinked.
"Oh. I'm better."
"Of course," Zoro grumbled, carrying me over his shoulder. "Now stop saying stupid stuff."
Usopp, still shaken, followed us while staggering. "Your crew is… terrifying."
"Welcome to the Straw Hats," I said weakly.
We left the restaurant and followed Nami, who was already heading toward the hills, probably to get as far away from me as possible.
Somewhere in that direction stood Kaya's mansion.
And somewhere inside that mansion, Kuro was preparing his evil plan.
But for now, all that mattered to me was not getting punched again by an angry navigator with fists of steel.
[END OF CHAPTER 9][ANOMALIES CAPTURED: 2/???][LOCATION: SYRUP VILLAGE][STATUS: KNOCKED OUT BY NAMI (TWICE)][SCP-006 SYMBIOSIS: 69%][DISCOVERY: IMMORTALITY DOES NOT PROTECT AGAINST NAMI'S FISTS][NEXT STEP: KAYA'S MANSION][NOTE: NEVER LAUGH AT SMOTHERED MEAT]