I took a deep breath, then slowly exhaled. "Alright, don't laugh. I picked [Gunwitch]."
Perry stared at me with a blank expression for a couple of seconds. "You actually picked [Dung Witch]?"
"Gunnnnn! Gun! Not dung! [Gunwitch]!" I said, throwing my hands in the air.
Perry motioned for me to calm down. "Alright, alright. What the hell is a [Gunwitch]?"
Good question. Because the truth was, I had no idea. The System gave me a few lines, then the oracles started whispering cryptic nonsense again, and I decided it was safer to just get the hell out before they started blowing more smoke in my face.
So yes. At the moment, my grand, mature, and logical decision amounted to a very confident no idea.
"I don't know!" I blurted, throwing my hands higher. "But apparently it's me now!"
Perry just stared at me. "You picked a class and don't even know what it is?"
I shrugged. "It seemed like the best option at the time."
He dragged a hand down his face. "Hecate…"
"No, listen," I said, leaning in. "The gods wanted me to take this. I was being responsible."
"Responsible," he repeated flatly.
"Yes. Responsible. Mature. Logical."
He looked down at the ground and nodded slowly, then shook his head.
"What?" I demanded.
"No, it's nothing," he said. "It's just… typically you. I don't know why I was even surprised for a moment. After all this time, I should have known."
"Known what?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.
"That you'd pick the one thing guaranteed to make your life more complicated."
I put a hand to my chest. "Excuse me, this was the least complicated option. Didn't you hear me say I didn't want to get eaten by demons?"
"Yes, I heard. But didn't they also offer you [Katarologa]? Or anything less dangerous?"
"Well… yes," I admitted. "[Katarologa] was there. And [Alechemene] isn't that dangerous. I suppose [Weaponsmith] isn't very dangerous either…"
"They offered you [Alechemene]? And you didn't take it? So you also hate money now?" He froze. "Wait. Hold on. You got offered classes by two gods?!"
…Yeah. About that.
It was pretty much unheard of to be offered classes by multiple gods. Everyone was supposed to worship a single deity. Sure, you gave the others their festivals and left a coin at their shrines, but actual devotion? Binding yourself to more than one? Gods were jealous beings, so you didn't do that unless you had a death wish.
And the System followed the same etiquette. The classes you saw reflected the god you'd chosen. That's why Mēnē's devotees saw witch classes and brothers of Pyrion saw bright, blazing classes. Another god slipping his own class into your list was… well, "pretty rude" was the polite term.
So, yes. Perry's shock was warranted.
I forced a weak smile. "Uhhh. Yeah. About that. [Gunwitch] appears to be some kind of… collaborative effort between Mēnē and Ambelios."
Perry blinked at me. "Collaborative. Effort. Between gods."
I shrugged. "Maybe they are friends?"
He gave me a long, incredulous look. "Gods aren't friends, Hecate. They barely tolerate each other. They are jealous and vindictive, petty and conniving. One of them shows up as a swan to seduce another's daughter, the other curses every swan in the world in retaliation… Actually, maybe that one I can understand. My point is, they're always thinking of ways to piss each other off, and they don't care who suffers for it."
"Well, maybe they made up," I said. "Shared a drink, talked about me, decided to… co-parent."
"Co-parent," he repeated. "I've never even heard of a dual class."
"You're hearing about it now?"
Perry sighed. "Okay. Whatever. Maybe they are friends. You got the class, so that must mean something. Now what does it do?"
"Good question," I said, opening the System with a thought. Golden letters blinked into existence in front of me. "Let's see…"
[Class Information: Gunwitch]
Looking for a magic bullet to solve your problems? The Gunwitch has plenty.
Born from collaboration between Mēnē and Ambelios. Gunwitches practice the full breadth of witchcraft while wielding firearms, merging two traditions into one deadly path. Requires careful aim and resource management.**
Type: Ranged damage dealer
Primary Attributes: Dexterity, Attunement
I read it aloud, then glanced at him. Perry was giving me the raised-eyebrow treatment.
"I didn't make that up!" I said quickly. "That's literally what it says. The descriptions are just corny."
He shrugged. "Well, they do say the System phrases things differently depending on the user. Adapts to your personality, your… mental capabilities."
I narrowed my eyes. "Are you calling me corny?"
He smiled innocently. "Me? Never. You're my friend. But the System may feel differently."
Corny? Corny? I wasn't corny. I was funny. And clever. And witty. Name one person more funny-clever-witty than me. That's right, you can't. Neither can I. This was, once again, one of those times where everyone had clearly conspired against me: the gods, the System, probably the oracles, definitely Perry. All of them united in a vast, insidious plot to make me doubt myself.
Well guess what? It wouldn't work. I was immune. Untouchable. My wit was ironclad, my humor devastating. Sure, maybe I leaned into the occasional dramatic flourish, but that was style. Personality. If the System couldn't appreciate that, then maybe the System needed to reevaluate itself.
Maybe the System just wasn't smart enough. Maybe even the gods weren't as all-knowing and infallible as they liked to think.
Because if this whole divinely designed System could look at me and slap on a corny tagline, then clearly it had no idea what it was dealing with. Maybe I was smarter than all of them combined. Maybe that's why I was always so far ahead of everyone else, why no one ever understood my choices—because I was just operating on another level entirely.
I sat a little straighter at the thought. Yes. Their doubt and mockery were nothing more than symptoms of their sheer inability to comprehend my brilliance. It was foolish of me to even be upset by it. Why would I be upset? They were all too small to understand. Compared to me they were like ants staring at the moon, trying to figure out tides.
Really, I pitied them. Living their whole lives in blissful ignorance, never burdened by the crushing weight of seeing how things actually worked. Though, on the other hand… sometimes I envied them. It must be nice, coasting through life without the terrible responsibility of understanding everything.
I let out a long breath, eyes still on the golden text hanging in the air. Right. That was definitely it. I wasn't corny. I was transcendent.
I smiled faintly and shook my head. "Poor fools."
"Huh?" Perry said. "Were you having one of your moments again?"
I blinked and snapped back to reality. "What? No. Definitely not."
He squinted at me. "You were thinking everyone else is dumb and you're actually the smartest person alive, weren't you?"
My mouth fell open. How did he know?
I grabbed my head with both hands. He's a mind reader, I thought. That's the only explanation. There's no other way he could always know exactly what I'm thinking. He must be secretly some kind of oracle.
I peeked at him between my fingers. "Are you sure you don't have a hidden class you're not telling me about?"
Perry laughed. "No hidden class. I just know you, Hec. You're not exactly subtle."
I groaned and dropped my hands. I made a mental note to work on my subtlety. "Fine. I was."
Perry grinned, then cocked his head. "You were telling me about your class."
"Right," I said. "Magic gunslinger, basically. Funny enough, my father gave me this pistol today." I pulled it from my belt and held it out for him to see.
"That's an awfully big coincidence."
"Or," I said, pointing the pistol skyward with dramatic flair, "divine providence. Clearly the gods planned this from the start."
"Or your father just really likes building pistols."
I lowered the gun a little. "…He does really like building pistols."
Perry shrugged. "Then again, two gods, one class… maybe you'll find out more later. What skill did you pick?"
"Well. Here's the thing."
He narrowed his eyes. "Hecate."
"I didn't."
"You didn't what?"
"Pick one."
He stared at me. "Why not?"
I spread my hands innocently. "Because you're a smart guy, Perry, and a second opinion never hurts. If I was going to pick a class no one's ever seen before, I should probably plan my skills and stats properly. Thought maybe, with your help, we could even make it… you know… System-breakingly powerful."
He gave a low whistle. "High praise, coming from the self-proclaimed smartest woman in the world. I'm surprised you'd take advice from someone as lowly as me."
I crossed my arms. "Part of being smart is knowing when to ask for advice. I think brainstorming ideas is the most logical thing to do."
He raised a brow. "So what you're saying is, by asking me for help, you've proven once again how brilliant you are?"
"Exactly," I said. "Glad you're finally catching on."
Perry laughed, shaking his head. "Alright then, genius. Let's hear it. What do we have to work with?"