INT. PADDY'S PUB — LATER
(The "consultations" are in full swing. Reigen has turned Paddy's into a pop-up clinic of nonsense. People sit in taped squares like they're in spiritual detention.)
(Dennis prowls like a manager of a haunted Best Buy.)
(Frank circles with a marker, writing "PREMIUM" on anything that stands still.)
REIGEN
Alright, Ben. We're going to do grounding.
Name five things you can see.
BEN
I see… a man in a maid outfit—
(Mac snaps, offended.)
MAC
It's tactical cleansing armor!
REIGEN
—A woman filming—
DEE
Artist.
REIGEN
—A short man sweating money—
FRANK
That's my natural state.
REIGEN
Great. That's progress.
(Reigen turns to the McPoyles.)
REIGEN
Milk curse. You said it "follows" you?
LIAM McPOYLE
It curdles around us.
RYAN McPOYLE
We walk, and the world becomes… chunky.
(Charlie nods solemnly.)
CHARLIE
That's real. Chunk haunt.
(Reigen opens his bag, pulls out a box of cheap table salt.)
REIGEN
We'll create a purification boundary.
(Mac beams.)
MAC
Salt circle. Classic demon slayer stuff.
DENNIS
Don't say demon slayer like you know things.
(Reigen sprinkles salt along the tape. Coincidence #3: as he completes the circle, the CO detector CHIRP abruptly stops for one blessed second… then starts again.)
CHIRP— (pause) —CHIRP.
(Everyone freezes.)
DEE
Okay. No. That was… something.
DENNIS
It was a… battery fluctuation.
CHARLIE
The spirit's listening.
(Reigen immediately commits.)
REIGEN
Yes. The spirit is… negotiating.
(Dennis pulls Reigen aside, low and angry.)
DENNIS
I don't like how much control you have in my bar.
REIGEN
You don't have control in your bar.
You have tape.
(Dennis seethes because it's true.)
DENNIS
This is my establishment.
REIGEN
Then act like an establishment and not a biohazard-themed improv troupe.
(Dee sidles up, petty.)
DEE
So what— you're just gonna pretend you're a psychic and get praised for… basic coping skills?
REIGEN(low, honest)
Yes. That's called "a job," Dee.
DEE
How dare you talk down to me like you're better than me.
REIGEN
I am better than you.
(Dee's face contorts like she's trying not to scream on-camera.)
DEE
I'm gonna destroy you online.
REIGEN
Okay. Aim higher.
(Dee nearly throws her phone. She doesn't, because she loves the phone more than life.)
(From the bathroom, ARTEMIS' voice echoes — because of course Artemis has moved in like a raccoon finding an open dumpster.)
ARTEMIS (O.S.)
The women's room is where release happens!
DEE
Why is she still here?!
(Artemis steps out holding a candle and a look of victory like she just invented a new sin.)
ARTEMIS
I have cleansed the restroom of shame.
(Dennis points at her candle.)
DENNIS
No flames. No flames in my bar.
FRANK(bright idea)
Unless it's premium flames.
DENNIS
Don't—
FRANK
Premium fire. Pay extra. Feel alive.
(Reigen's eyes flick to the candle, then to the box fan, then to Frank, like he's watching a car crash schedule itself.)
REIGEN(to himself)
This is not a branch. This is a punishment.
(The FRONT DOOR opens. THE LAWYER enters, crisp suit, disgust fully charged.)
LAWYER
I smelled… liability from outside.
DENNIS
Oh my God. This guy again.
LAWYER(taking in the taped zones, the salt, the candle, the McPoyles sweating milk)
What… is happening.
REIGEN(pleasant)
Community spiritual services.
LAWYER
So… a scam.
REIGEN
A service.
LAWYER
You cannot sell therapy in a bar.
You cannot sell "spiritual intensities."
You cannot—
(Frank points at his board: "BASIC / ADVANCED / PREMIUM.")
FRANK
We're sellin' tiers.
LAWYER
Stop saying "tiers." Stop saying "premium." Stop saying—
FRANK
Premium.
(Dennis turns to Frank with murder in his eyes.)
DENNIS
Frank, I will salt-circle you into the floor.
SMASH TO BLACK.