Never again.
I was never able to have a peaceful life full of affection like everyone else. At the age of four, I lost my father in a work accident.
The accident was monetarily compensated to our family, but no amount of money could ever compensate for the loss of a father.
My family went into freefall after that accident. We had to move to a smaller house to minimize expenses.
My mother was devastated from the moment she heard the news. I only saw her cry that day; after that, she started moving forward so that we could live relatively well.
She looked for a full-time job at a supermarket near the new house. My older sister had to take care of me.
I never saw her get annoyed about it; it seems she understood the situation very well.
The last thing we needed was a dysfunctional family. Her school grades began to drop, and she had to miss class many times to look after me.
She never looked at me angrily saying something like, "Because of you, I won't be able to get into a good university."
Our mother was always apologizing and thanking her. She also used to tell me, "Don't worry, sweetie, I'll have time for you soon."
At that time, I didn't fully understand why Mom had to leave all day; she used to be with me before.
As the years went by, I understood the situation and the reason why my father didn't come home very well.
It was normal for me not to understand that he had died in that accident; after all, I was only four years old.
Exactly three years had passed since the accident. My mother looked more and more tired every day.
It must have been because the job was so demanding; I don't remember what it was about.
Although we had the compensation money, it would not last for more than a few months, considering my sister's school expenses, food, and utility bills.
If I had been older, I could have gotten a job and helped around the house.
Even though I was not at fault because I couldn't do anything due to my age, I still felt guilty.
I thought my mother's issue was just tiredness, but it was worse than that. She started having health problems because she was so stressed every day.
My sister was the one who noticed this at the time. She commented to our mother about the possibility of looking for a part-time job so she could rest better.
Obviously, she refused. She didn't want to see her daughter working at an age when she should be studying (well, even though she wasn't doing that anymore).
There was also me. Who was going to take care of me? They couldn't spend money on a caretaker; they had to save money as much as possible.
"Sister, is Mom okay?" I remember asking my sister that the day I saw Mom looking worse than on previous days.
Her only answer was, "Don't worry, she's fine." She said it with a smile, so I didn't give it any more thought.
Unfortunately, on a normal day like any other, our mother was returning from work late at night. Since her phone battery had died, she had to walk home.
She had messaged my sister this before her phone turned off.
And on the way home, she was mugged, and because she didn't want to let go of the little she was carrying at the time, she ended up resisting.
The bastard, for no reason at all, shot her...
We found out hours later from the police. I remember it was around four in the morning. We rushed to the hospital as fast as we could.
Sadly, the shot went through a vital organ, and although they managed to stabilize her for a while, she ended up dying before we arrived.
I remember crying uncontrollably. I was older and understood that feeling completely.
My sister ended up worse; she looked downcast in the following days.
The funeral was quick. Since we had moved, there was no one nearby to attend; it ended up being just my sister and me.
Things got worse afterward. Even though she looked for a part-time job, she couldn't get one due to her lack of schooling.
If she had continued her studies normally, that problem wouldn't exist.
In my eyes, I was the culprit. If I hadn't been so young that I needed looking after, she could have continued her things normally.
If only I hadn't been born...
I can't say for sure that our father would still be alive if I hadn't been born, but at least I would know that my mother and sister wouldn't have to live like this.
***
The following months were tough. The little money we had left would barely last for a few months.
I saw my older sister looking more and more worried; she seemed anxious and upset all the time.
It wasn't directed at me; it seemed to be about something else. I asked her what was wrong and if everything was okay.
"Don't worry, your onee-san will fix this." My naivety was too great at the time to understand that she was lying to me.
She started going out at night and coming back in the early hours of the morning. Every time she did, she was nicely dressed up. I asked her if she was going out with friends or something.
She would answer yes and leave. At that time, I was old enough to be left alone, at least at night.
Many times, I would wait up for her, and when she arrived, she would scold me for not being asleep.
She wouldn't show it or would avoid looking me in the face, but I could still see an expression of disgust or something similar on her face.
It wasn't until I was older that I understood what she was doing...
She began to sell herself to older men to get money, feed me, and pay the bills.
"..."
I didn't look at her with disgust, hatred, or anything like that... I never said anything to her. How could I?
She had done it for me... She gave up the most important thing for a woman her age for me...
I disgust myself. How could it be that I, being the man of the house, couldn't prevent these problems?
***
When I was about twenty years old, I started working as soon as I finished school.
I remember my sister being happy that day.
How much I love her...
I thought that now that I had a job, she wouldn't have to sell her body anymore, but before I could finally give the news to my dear sister, she...
"..."
I don't understand. Why did she have to take her own life?
... ... ...
She left me a note days later. She was found dead under a bridge.
She had told me, "I'm sorry for not being an exemplary sister to you, little brother. All these years, I saved up money so you could have a comfortable life for a few years, so don't look for a girlfriend and stay alone. I'm sorry for being a disgusting sister, I love you."
The reason?... She was disgusted with herself because of what she was doing. I don't blame her. Any woman wouldn't do that for anything in the world, but she had to do it because she had a reason...
Disgusting old men took advantage of my sister during our difficult time...
I feel disgusted. This life disgusts me.
I love Mom, Dad, and onee-san...
***
I did what she asked me. I lived my life alone, I didn't want to get involved with anyone. Whenever I saw an elderly man, I felt like hitting him.
Why did they have to take advantage of my sister?
They disgust me. I disgust myself as a man.
Thank God, I wouldn't have to live with that feeling anymore.
A few months ago, I started feeling unwell at work. I thought it was a temporary illness, but the symptoms persisted.
I went to the doctor to see what was wrong, but I didn't expect that answer.
I had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia...
I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing...
I could see my family again. I have nothing in this life; I am completely alone.
I accepted my destiny and didn't undergo any treatment.
Even if it was painful, I would endure and wait for it to end on its own.
This brings me to this moment. I am on the sofa in the living room of the small house where I live.
I feel terrible, but I guess I'm about to kick the bucket...
What did I do to live like this? My family did nothing wrong for all this to happen to them.
I hate this world. I hate everyone.
I love my family... Mom. Dad. Onee-san. I'm coming, wait for me...