Have you ever just wanted to be evil?
Like, you literally woke up one morning and thought, wouldn't it be way more fun to be a bad person?
I know I have. Sometimes, at least.
I can still recall those times I would see someone crying and my immediate instinct was just to laugh. That's messed up, right? But it happened. In fact, I went through that feeling so many times that, eventually, I started feeling like a psychopath. Good thing nothing ever came of it. Maybe it was just a phase.
...Maybe.
Anyway, I'm still here in the void. And I'm still talking to myself, too. If that's not a solid sign I'm starting to lose it, then I don't know what is.
Though, thinking about it, maybe this is just the brain's natural response to stay sane. Staying alone for this long and not losing your mind? That might actually be the weird part.
I've probably been here for what feels like two whole eternities. Who knows? I can't tell, since it's just... void.
So boring.
Is this how it's going to be forever?
Haah.
I have to think about something; not thinking just makes me feel emptier.
At this point, I don't even feel hatred for the bastard who killed me anymore. That's bad, isn't it?
Sigh. If I told someone that idiot was once my best friend, would they believe me? Probably not, but it's the truth.
Joel Wilren.
He was someone I met when I moved out and became independent. That happened when I was seventeen, or was it sixteen? Shit, I really am losing my memory.
Anyway, we met at the apartment I rented. I won't lie, I was actually jealous of the guy at first. I mean, I knew him from college—or at least I'd met him there once (yes, I went to college; that was the main reason I was able to leave home). Joel was just one of those people who made you feel inferior just for... existing. He had the looks, the charm, the height, the build—hell, he was even funny! I hated him, but I still couldn't stop obsessing over him. It was one of the most annoying contradictions in the world, I promise you.
For the first few months of school, I was obsessed with trying to be like him. He made friends easily wherever he went, while I, on the other hand, constantly struggled to hold a conversation. But I can't be blamed. Lock a kid up for their whole life, then drop them into the world when they're old enough, and see how well they fare.
I wanted to be charming, too. I lied to myself back then, saying the attention he was getting from girls didn't matter to me—that I was here to learn, not for romance. But, at the end of the day, it was the biggest reason I hated him. He grabbed attention effortlessly, and all the girls, or at least most of the ones I knew, were crushing hard on him.
Seriously bad memories. I embarrassed myself so much that I sometimes wished the ground would just open up and swallow me.
The first semester went by, and I went home for the break, resuming my solitary existence. I remember Mom actually trying to be nice to me back then, but... I just didn't care.
It was then and there that I told myself: I wasn't him. He was who he was, and I was who I was. If no one liked me for being me, they could go screw themselves for all I cared. That was the turning point. Come the next semester, I became a full-blown loner. I didn't look at anyone or try to build relationships. I just came into class, took notes, learned, and went back home.
I never regretted making that decision, because it was one of the most freeing moments of my life.
I was ME.
But then, being neighbors actually made us friends. At first, it was just the normal greetings and small talk about school. With time, he would practically drag me along to hang out with his friends. Since I was already committed to being myself, I didn't actively try to get acknowledged by them. Over time, simply being ME brought genuinely caring people my way, and school actually became... exciting.
Yeah, it really was.
But one day, my relationship with Joel completely soured. And I didn't know why at first.
For the longest time, in fact. But that changed in one day: the day I saved a good friend from him. That's when I realized the problem.
That good friend was the root cause of the bad blood: Violet.
Turns out Joel had feelings for this particular girl who was actually crushing on ME.
ME?
Like, ME!
I literally did not believe it. In fact, if I hadn't seen what Joel was about to do to her that day with my own eyes, I would have thought it was some kind of elaborate prank. A girl actually fancied me? Now, that was new.
How I didn't know about any of this until that point still baffles me. Maybe I was just too dense to notice.
...Maybe.
According to what I pieced together later, Joel was not just in love with this girl; he was practically obsessed. His wooing had been going on since day one—the very first day they met. He tried everything doable just to get her. Perhaps at first it was just lust. He used to bring a lot of girls back to his apartment back then, and being his direct neighbor—just the apartment adjacent to his—I had no choice but to learn how to sleep with headphones on just to block out the screaming and noises. So, it most likely was just lust at first, but over time, he actually fell for real. At some point, it seemed like she might agree, but then—according to him—I came into the picture and ruined it.
I think that's exactly where his enmity began. It got to the point he didn't even try to hide the hate he had towards oblivious me anymore.
Like, he could get any other girl in the faculty. From the hottest and prettiest chicks to the weirdest and... well, not-so-pretty ones. ANY of them. All he had to do was try. But no, it just had to be that one person who said NO. But to be honest, that's not completely strange. Maybe it's something to do with human nature as a whole: you always want what you cannot get.
Who knows.
The only reason I even found out about all that was because he had completely lost his mind and was trying to molest her. Something he would have succeeded in if I hadn't stepped in at the last moment.
Everything went south from there. EVERYTHING.
It wasn't fair to me. I didn't even see her that way to begin with, yet I gained a lifetime enemy who became the reason for an untimely death. The little bit of hatred snowballed into him hunting me down and killing me, all with some trash talk about me taking everything from him... talk about looking for an excuse to be a maniac.
...Hey, something's wrong.
I'm feeling... weird.
No, I can't let myself fall unconscious. I might not wake up again! Damn it, what's happening? I... I can't... I... I... can't stop it.