(1990)
(Five and a half years after the marriage of Amil and Halah.)
" Amil, you know-you know that –
I have a family of seven, and two of my siblings are below the age of ten…"
A slow pause. Halah's eyes filled with tears, her expression glum and wavering.
"Being the eldest and the only educated one... I can't just turn a blind eye to their suffering, Amil."
Halah stated, her words quivering. Amil focused his full attention on her.
"What I am trying to say is– Amil, your savings are running out, and we both do not have a job.
We are good; as a family that has all the basic needs, for we have a big home, we never run out of groceries, electricity, and all other necessary stuff is taken care of …"
"But…back in my home, Amil, my siblings and old mama are probably sleeping hungry every single day."
"This-This privilege will run out even for us!
Why do you have to speak and go against the government?"
Halah stood; she was crying now, her hands trembling as she wiped her tears from her face.
" Speak clearly, Halah. State what you would like me to do?
Say what you would want from me, Halah?
I can't go back on the fact that – I have spoken and stood against the government… I cannot change that, Halah… And you knew it even before the marriage!
And-And you, out of all the people, know that I have not dared to do, or speak again… Not after I have married you.
I love you, Halah, and I love our children. "
Amil replied dejectedly. Looking clearly anxious.
At Amil's reply, Halah took a long breath and sat down on the bed again, beside Amil.
"Father Abdul said, he will help me secure a job in Saudi Arabia…"
"You know, I am a nurse. I will be paid well, and I will probably be able to support my family back at home, and my new family as well."
Halah looked at Amil, one brow slightly down, eyes full of anticipation and a little uncertainty.
Amil shook his head and looked at Halah.
"No– Halah…
Please No...
What are you saying?
I promise.
I promise…I am trying...I am trying, Halah, and I will be able to get my position, my job, and everything back.
Just wait a little with me, Halah…"
"And about your family... I-I dare say that, if you want, in these days when I am struggling…
Call them here.
They can live with us, my dear, at least they will not have to struggle for food, Halah. And when I do get my job back, we will support them to the fullest.
I promise Halah, I will raise your siblings like my own…
Take care of your mother like my own."
Aamil cupped her face gently as his thumb massaged her cheek… Halah could feel the trembling and coldness of his hands.
But Halah pushed his hands away.
In denial.
"No... Aamil... I have my own dignity and decisions. I-I ..."
"HALAH - think of our children, Halah!
Ella is just four, Adnan is three, and Lily... She is 1!
I can't basically accompany you.
I am banned from leaving this country, Halah. Are you telling me that you will leave us behind? Or will you all just leave me behind?
Halah, don't do this to me..."
Amil pleaded but…
Silence... Halah didn't dare say a word. Minutes passed, and the Muazan started the Eisha call.
Their conversation had ended.
Amil didn't dare cry. He never did.
Taking in a deep breath, Amil stood up and left. Entering his study and sitting down for quite some time while staring at the letters he had received from some of his colleagues, friends, and family.
Still unopened.
Still untouched.
Amil stared at them in the dimly lit room til the clock hit past midnight.
The children were now sleeping as it was late at night. And Halah had the habit of excessively sleeping when stressed, and was asleep from the time Amil left the room.
After sitting for hours in despair, Amil decided to pick up the letters and started opening them one by one. Many of them were useless.
Written to humiliate the man, they once all tried to walk with.
People around Amil had never accepted him or his success; they all, from inside, were always envious, envious of a crippled good-for-nothing man who had dozens of health issues and no future.
He ripped each letter into shreds after reading them as he threw them in the bin, only stopping at a particular one... A letter sent from Switzerland by an old friend he had not met for many years...
In it was an offer, a hand, an opportunity, a solution to all his miseries, and a new door. He was offering him family immigration and a full-time, well-paying job, with full support from his family, which was in quite a powerful position back in Pakistan.
"Just say that you will come, and I will ask my uncle to help you leave the country, clean and safe, without any allegations. Move here with me, Amil...Give my Salam to Bhabi, I will be waiting for your response."
A bitter heartache.
He still had a friend,a childhood one.
Amil put the letter on the shelf, after scarcely folding it, and made a decision, a decision to leave everything behind and move away with Halah and the kids.
He couldn't make his family suffer because of his own plans and motives. No matter with what motives he had declared to go against the government or for what wrongs he was fighting against.
He was always all alone.
And now he had a family to look after. People depend on him. He no longer cared for anyone else.
Not for the people, not for the country.
After making his decision, Amil went to the rooftop with a cup of tea in his hands. The rest of the night, he spent praying and considering how he would bring this up to his father and how he would carry out the process as smoothly as possible.
He had to make this work. No other door was open for him. None.
Not knowing, the bigger chaos had not shown any glimpse.
---
"Leave with your kids and your wife!"
Abdul threw the steel glass across the room and slammed his stick.
Amil took a long breath; he was at his limits.
"But father!
This is ENOUGH!
What do you actually want from me?"
Amil tried to ask as calmly as possible, but he was angry... Angry and now cornered, he shouted.
"All I ask is for your permission, that I would like to take MY FAMILY AND LEAVE.
Leave this damned country, household, and FOR GODSAKE have a good life!"
"To give my family a good life!"
"You kicked me out when you should have educated me!"
"Kicked brother and me out when you needed to feed us!"
"Then you kicked me, my wife, and our one-year-old daughter out because my WIFE didn't cook for your daughters!"
"AND you kicked us out once again when SHE was pregnant!"
"Just what do you want from me!
Let me leave or let me stay!
Choose one for God's sake!"
For the first time in Abdul's life, the son who used to sit and stand on the command of his father had screamed and shouted at him. And nonetheless, it had done nothing but make him more enraged.
The whole house and its people glanced from the corners and the doorways. Halah held onto her children, scared and trembling.
"I SERVED THIS GOVERNMENT FOR MORE THAN FIFTY YEARS!
I DID!
NO ONE GOES AGAINST MY COMMANDS!
NO ONE!
NOT EVEN YOU!
SHOW THEM THE WAY OUTSIDE.
AND YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
ASK FOR YOUR DOCUMENTS ONCE AGAIN, AND I WILL BURN THEM IN FRONT OF YOU!"
Amil and Halah left the home with one bag of clothes in Amil's hand; they only had money to buy the bus tickets, and they had decided to go to Halah's home.
Once they entered, they found that the mother was asleep and the children had not eaten yet. Halah went away into the room with the children, and her siblings surrounded Amil.
They loved him for he was always kind, gentle,and caring, nothing like a brother-in-law that they see in society.
Amil patted their heads and asked them to go check for any eggs or any vegetables, anything that could be eaten.
They nodded excitedly and left to check the hen cottage and the back garden.
After a while, they came back with four onions, some tomatoes, and eggs.
Amil started a fire and sat down near the stove, one by one he cut the vegetables and cooked with what they had brought, after he was done he served them with plain breads, one by one, and then Halah who had by that time also came out of the room and was sitting near Amil, after he had given her some,and only– when everyone was done, he ate what was left.
And they all went to sleep. With no plan or hope for what they will do in the morning.
Amil for another consecutive night, just sat down somewhere as he prayed.
By the time of dawn, Elle and Adnan had woken, clinging to their father, excited to roam the village. They went out with big smiles plastered on their faces, and that day, as Amil and his children rode on a donkey cart...
The Amil that only ever moved in the best of cars...
Had decided after looking at his happy children... That if he is bound to this sole... Then they don't have to suffer the chains with him... With a smile and unfortunate tears. With eyes that looked dead and teary.