I never imagined that one day my voice would tremble so much and still sound so firm.
Or that I was going to feel that my whole body was made of glass about to explode.
It all started with a silence.
One of those silences that are no longer peace, but accumulated tension.
He was in the bathroom, I was in the dining room, and my head was spinning around a single idea:
They lied to me.
When he came out, he barely looked at me. And I don't know what hurt me more: his indifference or the certainty that he already knew everything he had done.
"Why did you do it?" Why are you looking to fuck my life? - he told me with that voice he always used when he wanted me to get shin.
But this time I didn't get shink.
"Me?" DO I fuck your life? -I felt the fire rise, as if everything stored turned on suddenly. Do you want to know why I did it? Because I'm sick of being taken for an idiot. Because you knew everything and yet you kept playing with me.
He narrowed his eyes, irritated.
"Stook talking like that."
"Like this, how?" Telling the truth? -my voice surprised myself-. Did you know you were going to live with her and you didn't say anything? Did you leave me here, sharing a bed, sharing days, knowing that you were already leaving with her? A few days ago you told me that it was just going to be us and no one else and I believed you.
He clenched his jaw.
"Don't say stupid things."
"They're not stupid." I felt my voice break a little. And do you know what the worst thing is? That it wasn't just you who lied to me.
I looked down, took a deep breath.
And I said what hurt me the most:
"He knew it too... and he lied to me."
That's when I broke.
When my eyes burned and my chest closed.
"You lied to me..." I whispered, as if I were talking to a ghost. You knew... and you lied to me...
He approached abruptly.
"Enough." Stop crying. Stop playing the victim. You know very well that it was all a lie and that I NEVER loved you. I just used you.
"I'm not crying for you," I replied. I'm crying for EVERYTHING I kept quiet.
Something in him changed. As if my words pushed him to an invisible edge.
He raised his voice more.
Me too.
We both shouted things we didn't even hear anymore.
"Always the same with you," he threw at me.
"Always the same with YOU," I replied.
And suddenly, everything burst.
He pushed me.
Not strong, but enough.
I fell sitting on the armchair, disoriented.
When he came on top of me, I lifted my legs to stop him.
I kicked him out of fear.
Because I didn't know what I was going to do.
Because for the first time I saw him different.
As if it wasn't him.
As if it were a shadow of what I once wanted.
"Stop!" I shouted scared.
And then he grabbed my neck.
Not strong at first, but it was enough to freeze me.
"Shut up, I don't want to listen to you anymore," he told me.
He put me upside down, and I didn't know what to do anymore.
My breathing became awkward, my hands were shaking. Until I felt the first fist...
"Not in the head..." I managed to ask. Please... not in the head.
But the blows still came.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
They were dry, fast, loaded with something I didn't know how to recognize.
Then I only remember my voice, that broken voice that didn't seem like mine:
"I didn't want this...
"I was happy...
"I don't want to live like this...
And that's where I broke completely. As if something in me had died that day.
I cried in silence, not understanding how we had gotten there.
How the arms where I took refuge when I felt that the world was crushing me now were the ones that hurt me.
I had a headache.
My body hurt.
But what hurt the most was the truth.
I had lost my home.
And not because he left.
But because it stopped being a safe place.