Chapter 66: Chrismukkah III
"Are you saying that Lindsay is my aunt???" he shouted, completely incredulously.
Marissa, Summer, and Lindsay appeared moments later, likely drawn by the commotion.
"What is this all about?" Lindsay questioned.
"I'm Seth's grandfather, and you, Lindsay, are my daughter," Caleb revealed plainly now.
Good Lord, he could've been a bit more tactful about saying that.
Renee, already with tears in her eyes, apologized softly, "I'm so sorry, sweetie. I should have told you."
"You're my father??" Lindsay's voice cracked. "Seth is my nephew?" She recoiled in disgust before fleeing in tears.
"Someone go after her," I urged, since everyone else was frozen.
I quickly grabbed Seth by the shoulder. "Not you. Not now, Seth," I said firmly, giving him a pat on the back.
He yelled at his grandfather and stormed off to his room, with Ryan following him. Anna sprinted after Lindsay.
"I don't know what to say," Caleb Nichols muttered, approaching Kirsten and Hailey.
Kirsten slapped him across the face. "Get out of my house," she snapped before leaving.
Hailey did the same.
With Sandy and Lindsay's mother also gone, the room fell into an awkward silence, leaving only Caleb, Summer, Marissa, and me.
He eventually stepped out without a word.
"Suddenly, my family's not so dysfunctional," Marissa commented.
I scoffed, "And that says something."
She just glanced at me from the corner of her eye.
"Are you going to help?" Summer asked.
I remained thoughtful. "I'm trying to think of how… I'll talk to Seth," I decided.
The two exchanged a look, not really knowing what to do in this situation, and ended up following me.
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"Hey," I stepped into Seth's room. He was lying on the bed with Ryan beside him, both of them silent.
"Seth, once you told me that what the Cohens do is laugh through your tears, crack jokes inappropriately soon after a traumatic event…"
I went on, "Sometimes you'll even make the joke during the traumatic event."
"Yeah, well… that was above and beyond traumatic," Seth murmured, still staring at the ceiling. "How would you feel knowing you kissed your aunt?" He turned toward me, horrified.
"I don't really have an aunt at my age. The closest thing, thinking 'aunt' or a relative around my age, would be Claire or Haley…"
I considered it for a moment. "That would be… gross."
Summer bit my shoulder. "Why did I feel zero conviction in that answer?"
I looked away. "Summer, you've seen Haley. And Claire. I'm trying to be morally correct here - is it my fault my family is gorgeous?"
Seth managed a faint smile, but then all of us went quiet again.
I stood up. "If you need my help, call me, Seth," I told him, giving him a couple of pats on the shoulder.
"Thanks," he murmured.
We stepped out to give him space. There was nothing much we could do now…
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Berta was serving eggnogs to Anna, Summer, Marissa, and me on the Malibu deck.
Summer looked at her. "You don't seem impressed by the story."
We had told her everything that happened earlier.
"There's so much stupidity among you rich people that the only explanation I can think of is inbreeding," she replied deadpan.
I started laughing, making all three of them glare at me. "Come on, you need to appreciate Berta's good humor. And Seth found out before anything even more traumatizing could happen."
Then Charlie stepped onto the deck, gave us a weird look, and forced a half‑smile in my direction. "Hey, son, there's something funny-"
But I cut him off. "Save it, Dad. We are all aware of you and my friend's aunt. It wasn't even the biggest scandal of the day."
He raised an eyebrow.
"Hailey and Kirsten just found out they have a half-sister - who happens to be the girl Anna set up with Seth," I revealed.
Dad winced
Anna protested, "I'm pretty sure the two of us caused that mess."
"No, the only one who caused anything was Caleb. We just found a pretty girl for a friend," I corrected. "We're not guilty of anything."
"Good thing you're dating, Francis," Berta remarked. "Otherwise, you'd be the one who should be very worried about it," she finished dryly.
"I don't have a daughter, Berta," Charlie shot back. "Probably…" he muttered, then shifted topics. "So… is a half-aunt illegal?"
"Possibly," I responded. "In California, Penal Code § 285 refers back to Family Code § 2200. But here's the thing - it considers an uncle or aunt as incest, but there's no inclusion for the word 'half,' unlike the case with siblings."
I concluded, "Genetically, a half‑aunt shares about the same percentage as a first cousin - and first cousins are legally allowed to have relationships."
Anna stared between me and my dad. "I don't know if I should feel impressed by your knowledge or disturbed by what we're even discussing."
"Girl, if you're already disgusted by this, I suggest you don't talk to Charlie anymore," Berta said sarcastically before going off to clean the house.
"Hey! I'm still the owner of this house," Charlie complained, annoyed.
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After a few days, New Year's Eve arrived, and we gathered at the hotel to celebrate the end of the year and the beginning of the next.
During those days, we didn't see Lindsay again. She'll still need some time to process everything. At least Seth seemed to be doing better.
"810 million in Gauss LLC, besides the Apple long‑call options and the money from the books," I murmured, doing my financial wrap‑up for 2003.
I continued, "And a group I can call family." I watched the Dunphy, Pritchett, and Harper families in front of me, along with the rest of our friends.
"Why so thoughtful, Jake?" Haley approached.
I placed a hand on her shoulder. "Just thinking about everything that happened in 2003, my little comet."
She smiled, "Can't believe we've only known each other for six months," and gently rested her head against me.
And Haley shifted the subject, "Mom is mad at you - probably because you said, right next to her, 'Hailey is so drunk and already kissing my dad,' making her freak out… until she realized it was the other Hailey." She laughed.
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