Inside the villa, Arthur stretched slightly and smiled.
"Alright, after showcasing the 'Purification-Through-Body-Contact True Adeptus,' it's time for Barbara's second unserious evaluation—
'Medicine can't save Mondstadt.'"
"For this one, we'll start with another video.
Watch it, and you'll understand."
He pressed play.
Video Title:
[Barbara: Medicine Can't Save Mondstadt (LOCK AND LOAD)]
Westwind Cathedral
Barbara had always been an innocent, gentle soul.
The previous segment — the "Purification True Adeptus" meme — had already pushed her to the brink of emotional collapse.
It wasn't just unexpected.
It straight-up shredded her dignity.
She hid her face in her hands, cheeks burning.
But then she heard Arthur say—
"Medicine can't save Mondstadt."
Her head snapped up.
"It's finally here!"
Her eyes sparkled with urgency.
Even with leftover embarrassment, she couldn't care anymore.
She desperately wanted to know—
How could she truly help her sister?
How could she save Mondstadt?
Knights of Favonius HQ
"Medicine can't save Mondstadt?" Jean murmured.
"But Barbara has already done so much as a healer and as an idol…
Does the light-screen mean there's a brighter path for her?"
Lisa reclined gracefully, swirling a strand of hair around her finger.
"Darling, don't forget — this is the unserious segment.
Meaning Barbara is about to face suffering… again~"
Jean's eyelid twitched.
She immediately recalled the previous "Purification Adeptus" fiasco.
…Right.
Barbara was 100% going to suffer again.
She silently prayed for her sister.
[Transcendent Chat Group]
[Venti]: Ehe~ It's here, the second meme segment!
[Amber]: Why can't medicine save Mondstadt…?
[Collei]: Yeah! Barbara helps people all the time!
[Baizhu]: Perhaps it refers to the limits of a single healer.
One person can save only so many.
[Signora]: Hmph. I say Mondstadt just has too many man-children. Of course medicine can't save them.
[Jean]: Kindly refrain from insulting Mondstadt.
[Everyone]: …
The video began.
A cheerful intro played.
Then four big characters flashed across the screen—
[Mondstadt's No.1 Big Sister]
The camera cut to Westwind Cathedral.
A sudden scream came from below.
The scene shifted—
A battered Electro Cicin Mage lay on the ground, gasping like she'd been jumped by three mobs at once.
Standing over her—
Two… large, intimidating silhouettes.
Barbara.
And Rosaria.
But these weren't the Barbara and Rosaria people knew.
Barbara—bulky, towering, resting one foot on a crate, arms crossed.
She looked down at the mage with a cold, disdainful smirk.
"Oi.
The hell are you doing here?"
"This is my turf.
We don't accept trash here."
Rosaria followed up with a dead-eyed snarl.
"Not welcome."
All of Teyvat froze.
Everyone who had watched the serious evaluation earlier instinctively thought they were hallucinating.
Many even rubbed their eyes.
[Ordinary Mondstadt Chat Channel]
[Master Mao]: Cough. Uh… that's the idol Barbara… right??
[Tin Tan]: If I remember correctly, Barbara is supposed to be tiny, gentle, pure, adorable??
[Tepei]: …Did something happen to her??
[Dina]: Trauma???
[Albert]: NO—this is IMPOSSIBLE! My Lady Barbara would NEVER be like this!
[Lawrence]: Absolutely! Barbara could never speak such vulgar lines!!
[Sister Victoria]: Perhaps the Fatui tampered with something!!
[Electro Cicin Mage]: …???
How is this MY fault??
I'm the one who got beaten up!!
[Transcendent Chat Group]
[Amber]: Sorry—SORRY—this can't be right, right?!
That's Barbara?!
[Kaeya]: Hahaha! "Mondstadt's No.1 Big Sister!" I LIKE it.
[Rosaria]: …
[Klee]: Wow! Barbara and Rosaria look super strong!
[Alice]: Hehe, exactly!
Our little idol has quite the potential~
[Nilou]: Barbara's reputation… is shattered again.
[Ayaka]: This version of Barbara feels… a little intimidating.
[Ei]: Ah.
So this is what "medicine can't save Mondstadt" means.
[Hu Tao]: Well? Did she save Mondstadt or not?
[Zhongli]: From a rational standpoint… defeating Fatui counts as saving.
[Lumine]: Society's Sister Barbara—
Speaks little, hits hard.
Westwind Cathedral
Barbara stared blankly, mouth slightly open.
"That's… me?"
"That's ME??"
She wanted tips on how to better help her sister.
Instead she got—
Whatever THIS was!!
Barbara + violent + rough + muscular??
Impossible!!
"No… no… no…"
She sat down on the floor in a duck-sit position, eyes empty.
Her soul left her body.
"I… I can't face anyone anymore…"
Meanwhile, the video continued.
Barbara and Rosaria glared down at the fallen Fatui.
Then—
A strangely soft, slightly feminine voice entered the scene.
"Laa-chan?!"
Camera turned—
It was Traveler Lumine.
Outside Mondstadt
Lumine had been wrestling Paimon a moment ago.
But when that line played—
She froze.
Missed her footing.
And face-planted straight into the grass.
She didn't even feel the pain—
She pushed herself up immediately.
"WHAT—"
"WHY IS IT ME AGAIN?!"
"And WHAT—
WHAT is that weird girly voice supposed to be?!"
Lumine was ready to punch the entire planet.
"Laa-chan??
WHAT IS THAT NAME??"
Paimon took one look and burst into wheezing laughter.
"Pfft—HAHAHAHA—
'Laa-chan'—
That's even funnier than the I Am Kamisato Ayaka Dog meme—HAHAHA!!"
Lumine didn't even argue.
She only stared at the screen with dead fish eyes.
"Fine.
Let's see how they ruin my reputation THIS time…"
Back to the video
Barbara turned, cigarette dangling from her lips.
"Eh?"
She blinked in surprise and blushed when she saw Lumine.
A burst of hot-blooded music played.
A swole, tank-sized Lumine dashed over dramatically.
"Laa-chan!
Didn't you say you wanted to become a gentle, elegant lady?!"
Barbara's face softened sweetly.
"Mmm, yes!
Why~?"
That soft voice and blush—
Instant contrast.
Rosaria, unaware, jabbed a finger at the downed Fatui.
"Hey! Laa-sis!
Finish these clowns off!
Traveler, mind your own quest! Stop interfering!"
She even flipped Lumine a middle finger.
Friendly greeting, Mondstadt-style.
Barbara shoved Rosaria aside.
"How could you say such rude things, Rosaria~
Be nice~"
She was the picture of a pure, well-behaved girl.
Lumine blinked.
"Laa-chan…
What's that in your mouth?"
"Huh?"
Barbara sheepishly removed the cigarette.
"This?
Oh, it's just Jueyun Chili~"
Rosaria stared, horrified.
Barbara smiled angelically at the stunned Fatui mages.
"We're all church sisters~
We're rehearsing a performance together~
Right, everyone?"
Divine choir music played.
Barbara radiated holy light.
Then—
A full-size Gatling gun slid out from her nun robes.
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