It was 3 years ago...
The scent of coffee always did calm my nerves, it's aroma was like small massages on my tense forehead. And today, that was no different.
I swirled the silver spoon that I've always used on my coffee that I always drank. Then, I heard the footsteps that slowly descended that I have always heard. Heavy, daunting, my father's.
As routine, I already prepared his cup of milk like how he likes it, sweet and thick in consistency.
But I did lie, to myself I tried, there was something different this morning.
Because this morning's air was heavier and my feet restless.
"Morning" I mumbled with my low morning voice, without raising my head to meet his, I spoke again, "Cold today is"
I only heard a grunt from him as he grabbed the newspaper that had headlines cramped together. He slowly lowered to his chair then dropped which made a thump sound. The cup of milk slightly spilled when he raised it and so I wiped it off the table.
"Morning" he finally replied, flipping through pages just to get to the puzzle section of the newspaper. That's what he only cared for. "Haven't you got a job interview today?" He asked as he took a sip.
"No, not any that I know of" I lied.
Of course, that was a stupid decision. Because if any other person we're to know me best, that would be my father.
"Rie, you can't run from your responsibilities, you understand that, don't you?" he said.
"Of course, I do, but is it really the right time? Like, I've only graduated a couple months ago and there's this—"
"Rie," he pinched the top of his nose with annoyance, closing the newspaper without finishing a puzzle. The cup of milk rested on the table again.
"Remember what I told you. This is not a matter you can argue with, and that thing you keep bringing up,"
I gritted my teeth.
"That'll only leave you begging coins by the side of the road"
My fist clutched.
"I understand you're mad at me, unrightfully, but—"
"Unrightfully?!" My voice suddenly erupted.
Like a cry that was held for far too long, a bomb whose time finally struck, my voice exploded in a manner that spilled both my coffee and my father's milk.
My eyes shot straight at his, his face a blur, and so I could not make out the expression he had. I could probably guess it was something stern. Without a word that followed, I sat down, grabbed a towel, and hesitantly wiped the table.
"I've raised you to be better than this, Rie"
"..."
"Tell me, why is it so difficult for you to follow what I tell you to do? I've given you most of what I can, and this is how you act?"
"I apologize..."
"Listen—"
"I apologize for being such a waste of a son to you" I strained my head at that moment, holding back truths that would surely trace down my cheek.
But even so, "but, haven't I tried my best for you? Haven't I picked up the pen in times I didn't want to, haven't I given up on making friends because of your traveling work conditions, haven't I sacrificed enough?! Do you not trust me?!"
"No," he sharply replied, a clutch to the small beating thing in my chest.
"I do not, Rie. But what I do trust is this job" I strained my head again, this time my vision blurred.
"I'm only doing these things for you own good" each word he spoke, each attempt at comfort, only felt like a cold slap to the face. So cold, so chilling.
My arms hardened like my being screamed for me to cause immense violence. Not to the man in front of me that treated me more as an investment, but to myself. Because I knew the truth quite well. The truth that his words held.
And so I released my tense breath. My clutched fist. My strained gaze.
And the morning didn't seem that heavy anymore.
And in the end, I got the job.