A sharp pain in 'his' chest forced 'his' eyes open. 'He' quickly got out of bed, confirmed his surroundings, and ran to the library.
'His' breath was heavy, but it wasn't because 'he' ran. 'He' was an athletic young man. 'His' heart was above 200 beats per minute, but the reason wasn't effort—it was shock.
'He' spent hours searching through the vast library of Kron, but 'he' was unhappy with the result.
"Nothing here!"
In a fit of desperation, 'he' ran to the librarian, grabbed her, and started screaming.
"Where are they? Where are the books on the war in Harubana?"
The scared librarian trembled at the violent touch of the boy, but she wasn't able to give a straight answer.
"Harubana? The province in Tsukide?"
That was when 'he' finally took a break to analyze his surroundings.
"What…what year is this?"
"The third year of the new crown…"
The hot sweat on 'his' hands mixed with the cold, trembling hands of the librarian who was trying to free herself snapped 'him' back to reality. That scared touch was what made 'him' realize 'he' was hurting an innocent woman.
'He' slowly let go of her clothes, and 'he' laughed.
'He' laughed loudly, loud enough for the whole library to hear. This laugh came from far away—no, this laugh was coming from the future. This laugh was his unheard response to his sister. Even if she had not been born yet, that didn't stop him. 'He' laughed while his eyes alone were crying, for fate had once again played its cruel prank.
As 'he' laughed, 'he' walked out the door, where two guards were waiting for him.
"Don't move!"
But 'he' didn't listen. He kept on moving even when a spear was placed in front of him. 'He' kept on walking even when the spear had pierced him, and 'he' didn't stop until his legs couldn't move anymore. 'He' just walked until 'he' finally bled out.
*****
'He' woke up in a run-down room. 'He' walked out and stepped on the deck of a wooden ship.
"What are you doing? Grab the ropes if you want us to make it out of this storm!"
'He' Looked around. There was nothing except the ship and the sea.
"Move it! Don't just stand there… Woah, wait!"
But the voice of that bearded man was drowned out by the waves of the sea. Those waves were cold, but 'he' didn't mind. After all, 'he' was the one who chose to embrace them.
*****
Finally, 'he' found the book 'he' was searching for in a nearby library, but the stories written in it were centuries old.
"Again," 'he' whispered before heading towards the window.
'He' hit the ground head-first at the end of a 10-story fall. The pool of blood 'he' left behind lit up in crimson flames, and it burned the people who had been touched by it. His death was being sung out in a choir of screams. Sorrow and pain were the way 'he' would be sent to his next life, but that didn't matter, for 'he' was already gone.
*****
"I will find you!" 'He' said as the blade of a knife pierced his throat.
"I will make it right!" 'He' screamed while being burnt by a sea of fire.
"Ten! Kotaro!" 'He' screamed as he was being eaten alive by drakes.
"Mei! Please don't go!" 'he' begged while being turned into a living torch by a dragon.
When 'he' opened his eyes, 'he' was lying on the ground next to a tree. 'He' understood with one look that this time 'he' was too late by a couple of years.
With trembling hands, not as a sign of hesitation, but as a sign of despair, 'he' grabbed an ivory dagger from his waist and pointed it at 'his' throat, but it didn't reach 'him'. Instead, 'he' was hit by the heavy palm of the man next to 'him.'
After processing what happened, 'he'—Nayavu looked at the huge man who had just smacked him. The man did not think much of it. He just turned to the other side and continued his rest.
Surprised by the sudden smack, the boy called Nayavu took a second to think about his actions. He sat at the cover of a tree, admiring the finely crafted weapon that almost took his life. He tried to remember how many times he had repeated this horrific loop of taking his own life, but his jumbled memory didn't serve him well enough.
Ridiculous, 'he' thought. 'He' knew all too well that the chances of ending up in the place and time 'he' wanted were slim to none. Never before had something so convenient happened. Still, the fact 'he' remembered his past life in Tsukide every time was also something unusual.
Saying 'he' remembered everything would be an overstatement, but the most important parts—the pain, the sacrifices, and the consequences—stayed with him.
Now, he was living the life of Nayavu, the member of a small tribe in the country of Inyankara—a nation formed mostly out of self-sufficient tribes that governed themselves in times of peace.
At the age of 18, Nayavu was out on what resembled a pilgrimage that everyone would go on as part of their coming-of-age ceremony.
Together with him was Tatanka-Ska—his mentor and guide on this outing that could go on for as much as a year.
Unlike many of his previous reincarnations, Nayavu did not have a family to speak of. His parents had died on the battlefield when he was still young, fighting for the freedom of their country.
As such, the nameless village he was born in shared the responsibility of taking care of Nayavu, but one person in particular was especially close to this young boy—that person was Tatanka-Ska.
The man hadn't done anything in particular for the boy to like him so much. If anything, Tatanka liked to keep his distance from affairs that did not concern him, taking the role of the detached gentle giant whenever he had the occasion. That was the same attitude he intended to take during this pilgrimage.
After taking one more look at the giant man, Nayavu decided it was time to go hunting. While his mentor would follow him around to make sure that his life wasn't in danger, it still fell on the young man to fend for himself. So he did not waste any time in getting his slingshot ready.
While not set in stone, the magic taught in most tribes of Inyankara was rock magic. The understanding of rocks went hand in hand with their lifestyle, stones being used for most of their tools and weaponry.
"I can't stay stuck in one place forever," Nayavu said to himself and set off, but not before making a loud click with his tongue.
*****
Be it Leo, Izumo, or Nayavu, all of them had led their own lives, and the awakening wouldn't change that. It was because of this that even after so many years lived, 'he' couldn't grow numb to their pain. He had lived countless lives, but he did not steal them. They were all him, and he was all of them.
He was always born and raised by the people around him, he always formed bonds with them, and every parting hurt him all the same. He was not a traveler hijacking the lives of others. He was a man cursed to live all of them and be reminded of every tragic ending that he coulnd't avoid.
That's why it hurt. That's why he kept trying every time. It hurt because it was real. He kept trying because it was his life, his goals, and his close ones always being put in danger.
"It is said that memories define who we are, but simply remembering something is not enough to change a person," was a line he would always tell himself when he felt lost.
If immortality had the advantage of making people numb, then this curse of rebirth was made specifically so 'he' would not have that privilege.
The man now going by the name of Nayavu often thought about it—about teaching himself how not to feel anymore. 'He' often wondered if that solution would cure his pain. If every life ended in tragedy, then 'he' could just accept the fact that every awakening spelled disaster. 'He' could take that moment of remembering as the sign to go on to the next life. 'His' wish of living a fulfilling life would probably never be granted, so why not draw the line when the inevitable doom is foretold? That way, 'he' could make sure that his loved ones were not dragged into his fights. It may even be the best way of protecting them.
"But how would I even know if it worked?"
Nayavu pondered while looking for his prey. The past lives 'he' ended by suicide were ironically the lives that brought 'him' the least amount of new painful experiences. But the reason 'he' took his own life so many times was the fact he could not live not knowing what happened to his dear ones. While 'he' did not witness how the destruction that usually befell him affected the ones he held dear, 'he' had no way to confirm that disasters didn't happen all the same. What's more, 'he' wasn't even there to try and save anyone—and he hated that.
One more thing 'he' hated was seeing the faces of those he left behind confused at why 'he' had taken his own life. Confused comrades, devastated mothers, screaming friends, and crying siblings were all 'he' could remember from 'his' most recent lives. It did not bother 'him' too much at the time, being too focused on 'his' attempts to return to 'his' life in Tsukide—the life with the most tragic ending 'he' could remember. However, the moment Tatanka stopped 'him' from continuing 'his' cycle of blindness, those memories found the chance to wiggle their way into his heart. He felt sick just thinking about what 'he' had done.
"No… Even if I did explain, would anyone even understand it?"
With his conviction shaken, Nayavu returned to the tree that had kept him and Tatanka covered. In his hand, the lifeless body of a bunny represented today's dinner.
As the sun hid behind the edge of the horizon, Nayavu saw his mentor waiting for him beside a fire. He didn't know how to react, as receiving help with starting a fire and cooking his food was against the principles of the pilgrimage.
As he looked at the giant man, he noticed a kind, calming smile on his face.
"It must have been hard. For today, leave the cooking to me. You are strong, Nayavu. I am sure you will get through it."
The kind giant did not ask about what happened some hours ago. He knew that Nayavu would talk to him if he felt the need to. Instead, he tried to lift a small weight off of his shoulders.
In response, Nayavu smiled and thanked the man. He felt bad for startling him earlier, and he was not going to trouble him with impossible questions on morality now. For the moment, all Nayavu needed was some time to rest, and Tatanka had given him just that.
Maybe I'm thinking too much about questions with no answer, he thought to himself.
There's no way for me to go back, so all I can do is look forward. Starting now, we are living this life 'till the very end!