06/07/202420:30 PM
Dear diary,
I'm scared. I won't lie—my hands are shaking as I write this. A few hours from now, I'm supposed to die. Supposed to finally end this whole pointless cycle.It's strange… I'm both relieved and terrified. Relieved because I finally get to step off this meaningless ride called life. Terrified because I have no idea what's waiting after the fall. I keep hoping it's nothing. I keep hoping every religion was just a long-running human prank.
People say absurdism is freedom, but it felt like another costume I tried on to avoid facing the truth: I don't want to be here. I don't want to keep pretending there's a purpose when I can't feel one.
And yes, I know it's selfish. Leaving my parents, people who actually love me behind. I hope they live well. I hope they forget me fast.
06/08/202401:30 AM
Dear diary,
Today is… well, it. D-day. In about fourteen hours I'm supposed to vanish from the roster of the living. Wild, right? I haven't slept at all — my brain's been doing backflips between terror and weird calm, like it can't decide if I'm the main character in a tragedy or just some background NPC glitching out.
The thought of ending everything sits on my chest like a brick with feelings. Heavy, cold, kinda judgmental. But whatever — I've decided that these last fourteen hours? I'm squeezing them dry. If this life insists on being miserable, I'm at least gonna wring out the final drops like a spiteful farewell tour.
No grand speeches. No dramatic revelations. Just me, counting down the hours and trying to pretend the ticking clock isn't laughing at me.
06/08/2024
10:30
Dear diary
hy are we even born if we're just going to die anyway?I keep looping that question like a cursed soundtrack. What's the point of all this? Who made us? Why? And what was here before anything existed — total peace? Total nothing? I always hoped I'd figure out the answers before… well, before today. Guess not.
I won't lie — I'm scared. My hands won't stop shaking. But I made my decision, didn't I? So I'm trying something I've never done before: I'm going swimming. Yeah. Swimming. Me. Wild, I know. If this really is my last day on Earth, I'm at least going to pretend I enjoyed a tiny piece of it.
Three hours left.
Funny how the sky looks stupidly beautiful today. Like it suddenly remembered how to be a masterpiece. Maybe life saves all its beauty for the finale, like some cosmic joke. One big, gorgeous, meaningless mess.
If I had lived longer… nah. Too late for that thought.Whatever. I hope they carve something dramatic onto my gravestone, something like:
"RIP Noah Tsukihara — A guy who lived, barely."
Or maybe not. Maybe that's too honest.
Anyway… I think I'm ready.
06/08/2024 —
15:00
Thirty minutes before… You know, before I end my life. As I look at the sky, I actually see peace. Peace, peace — finally. No more bullshit, no more annoying people, no more boredom, no more depression, no more anything.
Gosh, I feel so happy — the happiest I've felt in a long time. I'm not scared anymore. I've made peace with it. Soon I'll be leaving this world. I can't wait.
Can it be 15:30 already?
06/08/2024
20:24
Dear diary
Today, when I tried to end myself, I was saved — saved by my true love.Her name is Kaede. Kaede Minori. She's in my class at the university, though we've barely spoken before today.
She promised me something… ridiculous.She said, "If you come down from there, I'll show you my panties."
And I know it sounds stupid, but in that moment, it was the first genuine kindness anyone has ever shown me. The first time anyone tried to reach me, even if her method was strange, even if she was joking. She noticed me. She cared enough to pull me back.
Dear diary, I think… no, I know we're meant to be together.I can't stop thinking about her. I can't wait to see her again — my heart feels like it's clawing its way out of my chest just imagining it. She has completely stolen me. All of me.
But don't worry, I'm not going to stalk her or anything. That would be cruel. I'm happy just knowing I'll see her every day in class. That's enough. For now.
There's only one thing that ruins my happiness:I have to go back to school next tomorrow.
God… why do I have to go back? Why can't life just leave me alone on the one day I finally found someone worth living for?
well, at least I am going to see her tomorrow
06/09/2024 — 08:00 AM
Dear diary,
Today is Sunday. And even though the idea of going back to school tomorrow makes me want to curl up and vanish, there's one thing that makes it all worth it:I get to see her again.
God, I'm so happy I could actually faint. For the first time in my life, I'm starting to believe there is a god somewhere — because He sent one of His angels to me at the exact moment I needed someone the most.
Her name… Kaede Minori.Even her name fits her perfectly.
"Kaede," maple — a name that symbolizes grace and elegance."Minori," fruit and harvest — innocence and purity.
Together they paint a picture of a girl who feels completely out of my league. Someone refined. Someone impossible. Someone everything I'm not.
If anyone ever found out I liked her, they'd probably laugh. Or spit. Or both.It's like an infinitesimal ant wanting to knock down a skyscraper — ridiculous, hopeless, a joke even the universe wouldn't bother laughing at. Honestly, even a human trying to topple a skyscraper with their bare hands has a better chance than I do.
What was that saying again?"It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for—"Yeah. That one. Except the 'eye of the needle' wasn't really a sewing needle. It was this small passage that appeared on the side of the wall after Ezra and Nehemiah closed the main gates at night. Travelers rested against the wall, night after night, year after year, and eventually the constant pressure carved out a small opening big enough for a person to squeeze through.
And I keep wondering…Could I do the same? If I rest my heart at her door long enough — if I'm kind, patient, always there, always trying — maybe one day she'll look at me. Really look at me. Become my friend. And maybe… maybe she'll accept my feelings.
But even I know not to dream too big.Not yet.
We are worlds apart. She exists on the highest plane of existence while i exist on the lowest plane below the lowest plane