After a few days between the last part of the saga and the next, today was supposed to be a good day for humanity, the day the FBI was finally gonna do something meaningful, the day The Re4lDe4l bullshit finally ended. Everyone on Earth had the hope that this would finally be the day Homeless Man got the humbling he was in desperate need of. And me, honestly? I did have hope myself. After all, the FBI are supposed to be the highest level of authority known to mankind. And what were The Re4lDe4l? Nothing more than a group of people whose combined efforts would lose to a single piece of grass on a kindergarten coloring sheet. And although the FBI did do some... fucked-up things recently, there's a good chance they've done things like that for the greater good. So, surely, SURELY, the FBI will finally cleanse us all from this stupidity?
But this isn't where our story starts. Because Em Cordona decided she wanted to try a little something, and that something was to reclaim what was supposedly hers, the Garrett-27 house.
And so, that was Em (that raging real estate agent) ended up knocking on The Re4lDe4l headquarters, showing up in her real estate uniform, a black long-sleeve shirt fully tucked into black skinny jeans, a black silver oval-buckle belt, and black combat boots that are more likely to witness real fighting that all of The Re4lDe4l members combined ever would. (Why do feel it's relevant to lay out Em's whole outfit? I have no idea, but with the level of stupidity exhibited so far in this novel, I wouldn't be surprised if a real estate agent's outfit got involved in a lawsuit against a serving of cheeseballs) After Homeless Man decided to play coward, Em stomped one of her boots on the doorstep to let him know she was not fucking around. And that convinced Homeless Man to open the door. For every wrong reason humanly possible.
Homeless Man(HM): (opens the door and starts visibly salivating at the sight of EC) What brings you here, sexy?
Em Cordona(EC): Certainly not you. (pushes past HM inside the house)
Homeless Man was very happy that someone as attractive has Em has willingly made eye contact with him for more than half a second. Why? Well, because as we all could probably infer by now, Tony gets no girls much less has any that willingly make eye contact with him. So Tony wasn't about to waste such opportunity.
HM: "Y'know, you should come to your senses and be my girl. You know you want it, and you can't deny it."
EC: "The only denial here is your denial of the fact nobody likes you."
HM: "That's the denial I'm talking about."
EC: "But I'm not denying that I don't wanna date someone that thinks Lunchables are gourmet dishes"
Then, Homeless Man made a move that personally attacked her sanity.
HM: "Y'know, we'd be a great couple."
EC: "Yeah, that's how I know you're too drunk to drive"
HM: "No seriously, you're just being stubborn."
EC: "Being stubborn is when you won't change your stance despite logic and good arguments."
HM: "Y'know what? Why don't we go to the bedroom? Maybe there I could knock some sense into you."
EC: "Oh, FUCK NO, we both know you just want me to fuck you in there!"
Than Homeless Man performed to dumbest seduction known to man. He kneeled down, right in front of Em, and, oh my god all romantic acts have been permanently disgraced, he unbuckled Em's belt. Yes, because it's Homeless Man (were you expecting a good move?), he just tried to seduce a woman by unbuckling her belt.
For a few seconds, there was no sound except a click and the sound of Em's belt buckle jingling. Then Homeless Man took a second to consider the dumbest this-or-that in world history. He was taking a moment to consider whether he should pull off the belt or go for the jeans. Then...
"SMACK"
If Homeless Man hadn't took that split second, the dumbest seduction in world history would've gone on for even longer than logically comprehensible. But that single bitch slap from Em herself saved our eyes.
Once Homeless Man got bitch slapped, Em started to walk out to her car, holding up her jeans in one hand and trying to rebuckle her belt with the other, muttering about "foreclosure" accompanied with numerous swear words.
The follow-up was Em getting in her car, fixing her real estate uniform in the car in hopes she could forget the brain damage Homeless Man cause her with his little seduction, and staying there until 3 AM. Why? Because she felt like it-
"FBI OPEN UP"
Oh, boy, is it true? Am I not dreaming? Is this what we've been waiting for, the FBI finally showing these Re4lDe4l bitches what true authority looks like? Well, kind of.
So what did I mean, you may be wondering? Well, there WERE FBI agents in front of the Re4lDe4l headquarters (a.k.a the Garrett-27 house), but they weren't quite going on. There was this group of, say 20 or 30 agents bitching amongst themselves over who was gonna go in there because none of them wanted to sacrifice their braincells. All but one of the agents didn't wanna go in there, and the one agent willing to sacrifice his brain for the good of humanity demanded someone go with him for the sake of moral support or he was staying out. What was my opinion on all this? Bullshit. FUCKING BULLSHIT. I mean, I completely understand that nobody (myself included, obviously) don't want to willingly put themselves in Homeless Man's radius, but COME ON, for the love of God, y'all are supposed to be highest level of authority known to mankind. Quit being a bunch of pussies and take a challenge head-on for fuck's sake!
In the end, a FBI agent kicked open the door, threw Agent Dawson inside (also the only FBI agent to agree to go in with only one condition, also the only FBI agent I have any respect for) and also threw in another agent identified as Agent Rousseau, then slammed the door in their faces and locked it too. Now Agent Dawson and Rousseau were trapped in a world of stupidity and a better method of killing braincells than smoking weed.
To the surprise of absolutely nobody, The Re4lDe4l members were doing dumb shit all around the house. Homeless Man dimmed the kitchen light trying to get a tan. Cleveland grabbed a plastic spork and shouted "I HAVE THE MOST DANGEROUS KNIFE IN THE WORLD". Bartholomew was the only person performing a sub-normal activity. He was writing his own Bible, feeding into his "I'm a saint" delusions. Franklin was drawing invisible letters on a Post-It and calling it graffiti. And Edgar was creating TikToks that were obviously AI slop. Then Homeless Man realized actual authority was in their presence.
Homeless Man(HM): (rolls out from the table and stands up to face Agent Dawson) "Pew! Pew! Pew! You're dead!"
Agent Dawson(AD): "And yet I'm still a living, breathing human being. I wonder why."
HM: "Pew! Pew! Pew!"
AD: (bland) "Oh, I'm so scared."
HM: "Pew! Pew! Pew! You're dead!"
AD: "Fact: I am not"
HM: "How?!?!??! I used the power of imagination"
Then Cleveland came out of nowhere to face Rousseau
Cleveland (CLE): "You're useless and you know it"
AR: "Still not as useless as you"
CLE: (trying to be intimidating) "I know where you live"
Than Bartholomew faced Rousseau to supposedly "cleanse him with Bible verses"
Bartholomew(BA): "Bartholomew is the greatest and most superior entity of all time, way above God. Anyone who thinks otherwise is either in denial, unholy, or has very severe dementia"
AR: "What bullshit wall of text are you even reading?"
BA: "It's in the objectively factual bible I'm writing, it's called 'St. Bartholomew's Bible'"
AR: "Knew it. It's not the actual bible"
After Life.Church discovered Bartholomew's existence, they posted an announcement on YouVersionBible stating "Please do not associate us with the bum who made 'St. Bartholowmew's Bible' made a PSA aired on 132 TV channels that said nothing but " ATTENTION EVERYONE, IF YOU SEE SOME DELUSIONAL CRACKHEAD NAMED BARTHOLOMEW PROMOTE HIS BLASPHEMOUS WORK TITLED 'St. Bartholomew's Bible" PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DISREGARD ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF HIS BUTT, AND TRY GETTING INSTITUTIONALIZED IF POSSIBLE. HE IS A DELUSIONAL, WHITE, SUBURBAN WANNABE THUGWHO THINKS HE IS INVINCIBLE ONLY BECAUSE OF HIS NAME.". In addition, every church in 44 states added a new Bible verse saying: "Whatever intellectually disabled soul wrote the sorry excuse of text titled 'St. Bartholomew's Bible', with all due respect, please go fuck yourself."
Then Elias appeared and decided to try a braincell-killing method of distraction
Elias(E): "Olen roskakori. Pissa Pissa Kakka Kakka Friikki Friikki Friikki." (please not translate this for the sake of your brain. All I'll tell you is the 2nd part is something a preschooler might say if they want to swear)
AD: "I didn't understand a single word that you said, but you sound like you're not of sound mind and body anymore."
Then another one of The Re4lDe4l fanboys showed up. This time Herbert.
Herbert: (makes a throwing motion) "GO LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. TOUCHDOWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN, JUSTIN HERBERT."
Yeah, this bum thought he was Justin Herbert.
AD: "You both may be white, but Justin is not a wannabe thug-"
Pew. Pew. Pew. Pew. Pew.
What was that sound? Is it backup? Is it a sniper? Is it... hope- Ah, shitttttttttttttttttttttttt.
Richard(RICH): "Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!"
Oh for fuck's sake, when reality couldn't have been fucked harder in the ass, Richard (remember the mentally disabled guy who was supposed to be killed after he committed aggravated assault against a sidewalk?) someway, someHOW managed, against all odds of logic and reason, survived the attack when everybody left him and started tracking Homeless Man. Now he was in Rousseau's face trying to kill him with a gun he made with 2 Lego bricks.
RICH: "Pew, pew, pew-"
AR: (spontaneously combusts and leaves remains of his brain across the living room)
Yep, you read that shit right. The fact that Richard somehow had a mental capacity low enough to think 2 Legos put together in the shape of a gun was a lethal weapon cause Agent Rousseau's brain to explode (making him braindead) and spontaneously combust.
(sound of door unlocking. All of The Re4lDe4l members get inside of Homeless Man's stolen Ford Model-T and drive off. Agent Dawson also comes out of the Garrett-27 House, not to chase the Ford Model-T or try to bring down any of The Re4lDe4l members but to be a pussy and run off to a distant, abandoned liquor store in the outskirts of town)
And so The Re4lDe4l members were off to that cardboard mansion that Homeless Man had just bought. The area where the cardboard mansion is at is probably fucked now, but I'm sure The Hood, especially Ms. Reynolds is relieved to be rid of these bums.