For the first time in this entire fucking novel, I had a feeling, called hope. Hope that now maybe, just maybe, because the FBI was now tasked with ending Homeless Man's intellectually disabling stupidity once and for all, maybe it'd be successful this time. I know that for the past few days, Homeless Man has been dodging, bending, or just in general obliterating reality, common sense, and logic in every single dumb way possible, but surely... SURELY that can't last forever. I mean, his stupid luck has to run out at SOME point, am I right? Oh, fuck it, I don't have any good feelings Homeless Man will be ended anytime soon.
I think Homeless Man and his new equally delusional and stupid fuck buddy Cleveland knew that they may be fucked soon when the most powerful of all authorities catches them lacking, because they got to work right away on fueling their stupidity-filled delusional wet dream of becoming a "gang" they called The Re4lDe4l and trying to force respect upon their sorry asses by looking for equally stupid or cowardly people that Homeless Man or Cleveland could actually intimidate (HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE) to force-feed their so-called pathetic excuse of a gang to. They ruined the days of everyone unfortunate to be reminded that they were real people by advertising "The Re4lDe4l, the best gang ever because I said so" in real vape lounges, middle schools, more specifically, middle school bathrooms turned vape lounges, Discord servers filled with the chronically online, subreddits, including snark subreddits, League of Legends and Genshin Impact chatrooms and just where ever you can find many lazy losers in.
And you know what the worst part about all this dumb shit was? That the two dumbfucks Homeless Man and Cleveland, succeeded, actually fucking succeeded at step one of becoming a real gang. They got living, breathing humans in their "gang". Three of those white, suburban wannabe thugs in the first day, mind you, they were all virgin losers who thought they were tough, but in reality, they were just seeking validation for being a failure at life. And oh no, it's not just those three bums, because The Re4lDe4l still had some more members recruited throughout the week, four of them after the initial three to be more specific. But before the identities of the 4th-10th dumbest people (Homeless Man is #1, then Cleveland, and Richard is 3rd, only because of his mental condition) on planet Earth are compromised, I'm gonna start with the 3 OG fools then do the other 4.
BARTHOLOMEW:
Well, well, well, who do we have here? One of the OG fools, foolish enough to going a gang led by a delusional crackhead and a somehow more delusional crackhead, apparently. He's white, suburban, and 5'3, the exact frame of what the two leading dumbasses think would be the perfect gangster. He goes to private school and makes a mockery out of school bullies, yet he acts like a gangster, throwing gang signs in the faces of people who've been from the Hood who have guts and hands, and apparently a Neo-Nazi too (He tried to make the Nazi symbol on the flag [even I have limits] an official gang sign). And yet whenever this bum would get arrested (and deservedly so) or get humbled by someone resembling an actual gangster, he's scream that he is "untouchable" (Fun fact, buddy, this is reality b-tch) and "has rights", and most laughably, that he was a "saint". But comes the question, was he actually a half-decent human being? What had he done that could have made him considered something resembling a saint? Did he do charity? Did he feed and shelter the homeless and poor? Was he a good Christian or something, that may have made him though he was a 'saint' or something?. Well, because 90% of the characters are complete dumbasses, and the other 10% are either gutless or dead, FUCK. NO. But why did Bartholomew consider his sorry ass to be a saint, though? Well, it's quite simple. His name. Yes, his fucking name. Just because he was named after a Christian apostle, he thought he was gonna be treated as some holy, untouchable, unquestionable figure, or deity, or something like that.
FRANKLIN:
Out of all the versions possible of his name, he chose the name that sounded the most like he would go to private school and was frequently coddled and bailed out by his parents when anything resembling trouble dared to make eye contact with him, and yet pretended to be tough and legally forcing consequences to stare down at him. And to make matters even worse for himself, he made a mockery out of all gangsters, kinda like what Homeless would inevitably become if he tried to be a gangster. To show you the level of braindead of this bitch, let me give you an example of what he did when he decided to do three different gang activites. For example purposes, I will use drug distribution, drive-by shootings, and vandalism. So, if you saw someone from a gang distribute drugs, you'd think they'd be selling real, hard, illegal drugs, marijuana and cocaine for example. And for Franklin? His two offerings? White sugar and baby powder. (slaps head) Seriously, how does one become this fucking stupid? Now on to the drive-by's. If you were asked how a drive-by would look, perhaps you'd think that it'd be an actual criminal in an actual car with an actual gun shooting up an actual place from the car. What is the equivalent of that for Franklin, may you ask? Well, a drive-by from Franklin would like Franklin the wannabe thug speeding in a Power Wheels shooting a water gun at an abandoned brick wall. (God, just describing his attempts of being a criminal are making me want to go blind.) And finally, vandalism. I'm not gonna do a deep-dive analysis on this silly matter, so let's just say Franklin vandalizes empty gum wrappers in his free time.
ELIAS:
Last but not least (in the ranks of stupidity of course), we have Elias, a wannabe thug from Finland. From what I know, Elias got deported to the U.S. According to the deportation records, they say he was "trying to be something he would never be". The official probably meant a wannabe thug, but with the heavy amounts of stupidity force-fed into the past few days or so, he could have pretended to be an object too like it was fucking Prop Hunt or something.
And now onto the four other losers. But since they haven't done anything remotely as stupid (just were white, suburban, wannabe thugs), I'll just list them:
Benjinam
Herbert
Edgar
Philip
There you go, you may have heard of the 7 Deadly Sins, but this? These are the 7 Braindead Shits.
It was also around this time the FBI were finally starting to make progress in finding the two culprits of why iPad kids were going dumb (Homeless Man and Cleveland of course). According to the intel I was also getting, They found that:
1. Homeless Man was a classic spoiled rich kid who avoided consequences at every turn, who was arrested just a couple of months ago for loan shark identity theft (it was permanently engraved in Los Angeles history as the 'Loan Shark Incident')
2. Homeless Man was one of two guys who set a Guinness World Record for being the first ever people to lose in a rap battle by more votes than there were spectators.
3. Homeless Man, with the help of the same guy from #2 killed 5 security guards only with his stupidity.
4. Homeless Man used a loophole (maybe a technicality? Either way, it was a stupid thing) to force the country to permit him an education past high school.
Either way... OH HOLY FUCK, I JUST FOUND OUT THE FBI'S SEARCH OF THE RE4LDE4L LEADERS HAS GOTTEN 999999999999999999999999999999999x MORE INTENSIFIED AFTER THEY FOUND OUT WHAT CLEVELAND HAS IN HIS POSSESION.
So basically, more intel was sent to the FBI through somebody's Discord or something and they exposed that Cleveland had dozens of hard drives with extremist and racist manifestos. But the worst part? He apparently had, let's just leave it at illegal materials (Let's pray these dumbasses don't start confusing 'stupid' with 'vile')
Hopefully, now that Cleveland has a real reason to be publicly executed, maybe the FBI will actually get serious and actually make an effort to execute Cleveland's sorry ass.
While the highest level of worldwide authority were closing in on the two dumbest people alive, these said two dumbasses starting plotting in unreachable hopes of their gang ever being respected by any human that ever had a pixel of a functioning braincell. Well, because as we all know, both these people combine for less intelligence than a speck of dust, they didn't actually take any time to think about how to try and achieve their bullshitted hopes and wet dreams. All they actually did was declare Garrett-27 (a.k.a that house Cleveland was squatting in and changed the locks on.) the "headquarters of The Re4lDe4l". Never in a million years would I have thought the first ever gang to combine for negative IQ points would actually have a fucking headquarters. Anyways, Homeless Man and Cleveland called for a group meeting through a subreddit for the chronically online and declared the home Cleveland was squatting in the new residency of all the biggest dumbasses in world history. If anything, the FBI taking down all these bums in order to double the world's average IQ just got much, much easier.
Now, a few days later, just another day of life. It seems just like yet another normal day, but this particular day... Homeless Man realized something. He was being tracked, by some level of authority. If this were any other person (or a person with positive IQ), said person would have either fled, resisted, or turned themselves in. And Homeless Man chose the first option, to flee, but simultaneously breaking Rule #1 of fleeing. Do not leave a paper trial.
For context, there was this house up on sale. On Craigslist, because where else would it have been listed on. And this certain house was actually a mega-mansion. Except it was made of cardboard. Sold by a man who was wanted in 43 countries for being a mockery of all cancer patients and people fighting for their lives against rare diseases (He was caught in 4K faking a medical emergency on GoFundMe in order to perform a pump-and-dump crypto scam). That somehow enticed Homeless Man so much he got hard (Yeah, I know, what THE ACTUAL FU-). But there was a huge problem. This house was being sold for $69,420,000 (Why that specific number? No idea) and Homeless Man was broke (because it was objectively true that at least double-digit intelligence was required to make money). For a few seconds, Homeless Man actually started to consider that maybe, JUST maybe he shouldn't by the mansion, but then he saw 'Young, hot Latina baddie included' and oh, fuck, now Homeless Bitch was going to do EVERYTHING he could to make the cardboard mansion his.
Like he'd been doing for the past few days, he showed up to The Academy sagging khakis (what a mockery to all thugs) and walking in like he was already the most respected gangster of all time (he was objectively forever the polar opposite).
Then a few minutes after homeroom with Ms. Reynolds, it happened:
Homeless Man: "Yo, can I go in the bathroom to hit my vape"
Ms. Reynolds(so relieved to be rid of Homeless Man she gets creepily overjoyed): "YES. PLEASE. I BEG OF YOU"
So Homeless Man left the room. But not to go to the bathroom or even hit his vape. No, he was going to get onto Jimmy's computer (because the poor guy never heard of PINs), ran to a bank run by a cockroach and a ham sandwich to open a bank account, then transferred all $900M of his money (from Drax's inheritance) to the account at the cockroach and ham sandwich bank and ran out of The Academy back to the Re4lDe4l headquarters. All I know is, I'm sure The Hood of Los Angeles will be grateful they were temporarily rid of Homeless Man's stupidity.