"What the fuck…" is all I could ever manage to say as I staggered away from that damned son-of-a-gun, my brain somewhere between disbelief and breakdown.
I mean... what the actual fuck.
Who wouldn't say that when, on your first day at work, if you could even call it that, in a place you clearly don't remember ever signing up for, your assignment was to steal a tail through a hologram.
A tail. Not a document, not a secret weapon, not a classified file—a goddamn tail.
But not just any tail. Oh no, no, no.
We're talking about the tail of a motherfucking beast that lives inside a man.
And not just any man. A man who, as far as I'm concerned, does not even exist.
Yes, you heard that right. He's fictional. As in, a literal anime character. Someone I remember watching on TV about twenty years ago, back when life made sense and my biggest problem was which instant noodles to eat at midnight.
That man—lo and behold—is Uzumaki Naruto. So now the question is:
How the hell did I end up here?
Short answer? I don't remember.
Long answer? I've been trying to figure it out for what feels like days, but every time I try to move around, I'm greeted by a dozen pairs of eerie, beady eyes... White Zetsus, whispering, writhing, and definitely judging me.
I groaned and slammed my back against the rocky wall just outside some damp, half-collapsed cave that looks way too suspicious to not be a hideout. The air smelled like moss and danger.
My arms crossed on their own, and the sound that escaped my mouth was the groan of someone who was absolutely done with existence.
Whose hideout? I didn't know. But considering I'd overheard the Zetsus muttering something about the Akatsuki, it didn't take a genius to realize I was probably living on borrowed time.
"Great," I muttered to myself. "I'm stuck in a ninja war with terrorists and freaking fungi."
I took a deep breath and stretched out my arm, examining my hand. Small, delicate fingers. No scars, no calluses. Definitely not mine.
One of those freaky plant clones had called me Mizuha Yamada, which is too average to be my name lol. So yeah, apparently I was inside someone else's body.
And, thank the gods above and below, whoever this Mizuha girl was, she had a fantastic body.
Long legs, smooth skin, a small waist, and... well—let's just say gravity was definitely in her favor. Oohhh! How big can her melons be that my back had been hurting ever since I woke up? Blessed. Truly blessed!
"Okay," I muttered, half to myself, half to the void. "I could get used to this beauty."
I giggled as I simply wiggled my newly borrowed chest and blushed to myself when I saw my—I mean—Mizuha's cleavage.
Damn! I'm no better than a man.
I tilted my head back, staring at the clear blue sky peeking through the cave mouth. And that's when I saw it—the blood moon.
The same blood moon I saw before everything went black and I woke up here.
Coincidence? Yeah, right.
"You know…"
I gasped. Someone's voice came from right beside me—too close. I turned, and my entire soul almost collapsed before I did.
A man had just teleported next to me, wearing an Akatsuki cloak, and a swirling, orange mask that covered his entire face except for one eyehole.
He was so close I could see my reflection in the glossy spiral pattern of his mask.
By sheer instinct—which, I swear, I didn't even know I had—I launched a kick straight at his face. He dodged effortlessly, hopping away with a chuckle that sounded way too much like a cartoon villain.
"Whoa, whoa, easy there!" he said, his voice is playful but carrying something that definitely sounds like a red flag. "You look mad, Mizu."
Mizu. Right. That's me now.
I blinked rapidly, trying to place him. Orange spiral mask… Akatsuki cloak… single eye…
Damn. This must be him! The manipulative psycho behind half the major plot twists in the series.
My survival instincts immediately kicked in. I shrugged, tried to sound bored. "I'm not in the mood for this. I've got a mission and I'm still not sure how to do that."
He tilted his head. "Meh," he said, waving a gloved hand lazily. "You'll manage. That boy Naruto's easy to fool. Too bright. All heart, no brain. You've tricked bigger fish before, haven't you?"
He laughed, high-pitched and cracked, spinning his finger in the air like a lunatic.
I forced out a nervous chuckle. "Yeah, sure. Because sneaking up on the Nine-Tail beast sounds so easy."
Then he stopped laughing. The tone of his voice suddenly shifted. It's so deep, I almost drowned. "What do you mean?" he said.
My heart almost choked. "What do I mean?" I echoed, forcing a nervous laugh. "My… my mission?"
"Ohhh," he said suddenly, chuckling again. "Let me guess, you talked to Deidara, didn't you?"
I hesitated, because I'm not even sure who that person in the hologram was. "Uh… yeah?"
"He said something that sounded like a poem, didn't he?" he continued. "Something about stealing Uzumaki Naruto's Tenth Tail, right?"
My jaw clenched a little. "Y-Yeah. He said Naruto had a Tenth Tail, which doesn't even make sense because I thought he only had the Nine-Tail beast?"
He sighed and plopped down beside me, crossing his arms in perfect imitation of my earlier posture.
"That guy has always been… poetic."
I turned to him. "What do you mean?"
He looked at me, dramatic pause and all, and said, "He meant for you to seduce Uzumaki Naruto."
"Ha?"
He leaned in slightly, the single visible eye glinting with mischief. "Yes. The Tenth Tail he was talking about was Uzumaki Naruto's co—"
Because my fist decided it had had enough of men with masks and metaphors.
Before my brain could stop me my body went full WWE mode. My arm swung like it was possessed by the spirit of every woman who's ever had to listen to nonsense.
The punch landed squarely on his mask with a sound so satisfying it deserved its own soundtrack.
The dude flew. Not stumbled, not fell—flew. Like a budget Team Rocket, he shot across the clearing and exploded into the side of a cliff.
I swear I saw a puff of dust form the shape of the Akatsuki cloud logo before it faded away.
For a few seconds, there was only silence. Just me, the wind, and my poor, traumatized knuckles throbbing like they'd been through a bad relationship.