-2014-
I'm a big liar.
I am. When I open my mouth, it's like a sweet shop sale, colourful bonbons and sickening caramel candying my every word. It's not that I'm incapable of being honest. It's just that I've got way too many people I've got to keep happy. I'm far too conscious of myself, how one ill-timed joke or a direct comment can wipe the smile off even the dearest of friends.
Take my old schoolmate Dohwa for example. I'd thought the two of us got on particularly well— not, of course, that I'd had much experience hanging out with guys in the past, but I thought that he was someone I could have a good time with. My ex-boyfriend, Minu, had been a king to please even before we were dating, and so I'd been left with the bitter impression that boys were demanding creatures. But thankfully, I didn't have to worry about that with Dohwa. He was the type of guy who took things in his stride, grinning easily at problems that would have made even the most battle-hardened warrior tear out his hair. In his presence, I felt that I could finally forget about the million and a half things that were troubling me at the time.
(…. We'll get to that later.)
Before long, though, I began noticing things I hadn't before. I saw that when girls stopped to talk to him, their looks became softer and the hems of their skirts would rise. I saw guys shooting him dark looks from across the classroom, while others clapped his back heartily and asked him for a few more rounds on the basketball court. Call me stupid, but I was the last to really acknowledge Dohwa's wondrous charisma. I knew he was better looking than the majority of the male population of my grade, but I couldn't really see the appeal of the spill of his honey-brown hair and his winning smile. You could excuse me, though. I was then currently preoccupied with the other resident heartthrob, who'd once greeted me with a frown but would then gaze on at me lovingly, as though I was all that mattered to him.
While I lived a happy dream with Eunhyeok, Dohwa's own feelings began to slowly tug me back down to earth. It never, I promise, never occurred to me that he'd have feelings for a nobody such as myself. I was like stale bread, and he was a luxury loaf of sourdough displayed at a high-end bakery. Point is, I really didn't see it coming until it was too late.
But there were signs, of course. He'd picked up a vintage girls' comic I was obsessed with and listened to my eager ramblings on what I still consider to be a wonderful plot, cast of characters and selection of themes. And, while I was far too embarrassed to admit my side-hobby, he was a lot of help with coming up with new ideas for my fanfiction novel. He'd hold out an umbrella for me in the rain, answer back my texts with the speed of a race-horse, and was rather like a constant fixture in my life, as mundane as my parents or my adopted sister, Ra-im.
One day, I was at his apartment, as was usual in those days, flipping through my notebook of story outlines and carefully taking in Dohwa's analysis of the comic's second male lead, Gray. He held out a copy, pages drooping as he began to read out the lines in a casual, ironic voice. Then he paused on a beautiful spread of Gray's tilted chin, his penned eyes filled with paper heartbreak.
Then Dohwa muttered, "'Do you realise…that your fleeting affection keeps my heart from finding the closure it so desperately needs…?"'
I'd blinked up at him, both surprised and delighted. He'd read out that classic piece of dialogue perfectly, almost, as though he'd donned Gray's nineteenth-century costume. The flowery drama of it all suited him, for all his easygoing charm.
I decided to play along, though I was grinning too hard to make it a serious production. "'What are you saying, Gray?"'
He let out a breathy chuckle, and turned a page. "'Your crimes,"' he went on, '"are looking at me with those eyes that never waver, calling my name so sweetly while remaining unaware of my feelings, and laughing with the joy of an innocent child…."'
He sounded so much like Gray, if Gray could be played by some cocky teenager…. And that was all I'd thought of it. I saw his melancholy expression and hard gaze and credited them merely to his innate acting skills. If I had opened my noggin a little wider, I would have seen the trace of his own sadness pouring in through his speech, for now I see that it was clear as anything.
Before I knew it, he was standing and leaning over the table. Now I was beginning to wonder what was up. Still, I was far too slow to realise it.
'"Were you aware of my feelings while doing all of this? If so, then who is to blame?"'
Was that a trace of accusation in his voice? It seemed far too real for something directed at the fictional Cindy.
'"Is it you, for being so affectionate, but with no intention of taking responsibility?
'"Or is it me?"'
I looked into his eyes. At first, they were cool glass, swivelling between me and the comic. Then the glass began to shine, and glistening diamonds dripped one by one.
'"Stop,'" Dohwa whispered, '"showing me so much affection. That is the only way I can let go."'
It was the first time that I had ever seen a guy cry. Even my jolly father who wore his heart on his sleeve was quick to dry his face and hide the photograph of my late grandmother. But here was Dohwa's tears, falling freely, and there was not an ounce of shame about him. He was showing me the contents of his heart boldly, I now knew, and I'd be a fool to miss it.
No, I was a fool all along. Even as I'd tentatively asked him, 'Do you… like me?' I found myself crushingly aware of how much I must have unknowingly hurt him.
He huffed. 'You're just realising that now?' he said incredulously, voice wavering.
I saw his longing, his resentment, his everything, all merged into an ugly beast that I had no choice but to confront. I berated myself for my ignorance. I let my own self-esteem issues undermine him, and for that I felt sure I had to pay.
My mouth worked silently as my mind scrambled for something to say. What would be the best way to gently turn him down, I wondered? Because that was what I had to do— reject him. I liked Eunhyeok. Dohwa was just a friend. That was how it was.
'Damn, you're practically throwing yourself at me,' he said, regarding me with a bitter smirk. 'Didn't know you liked me so much.'
'I'm not!' I said indignantly. 'I mean…. God, don't be difficult.'
He still hadn't wiped the tears off his cheeks, perhaps for the sole wish to taunt me with my guilt. It was beginning to bother me. Without thinking, I reached for his face.
My hand had a mind of its own, it seemed. It wiped the warm wetness and darted into his hair, before rubbing it like I was petting a dog. Supposedly, I was comforting him. Really, I was making a complete idiot of myself.
Get a grip, Su-ae!
'What are you doing?' he demanded, and quite rightly so.
'Uh…petting you?' I tried.
'Usually,' he said, lifting my arm and setting it down smoothly, 'when girls reject guys, they don't tend to start touching them without permission.'
I flushed. He was making me sound weird. Though nothing about this was normal.
'Sorry,' I mumbled. Then my ears caught on something else. 'I never rejected you.'
'Oh?' He raised an eyebrow. 'So you like me, then?'
'Well,' I began.
'You want to go out with me? Hold hands?'
'I mean—'
'No, right?' he concluded, folding his arms and staring moodily out of the window. 'You're not in the least bit interested.'
'Dohwa….' I said helplessly.
I'd never thought that I'd ever find myself in a situation like this. I wasn't exactly chopped liver— even if he'd been a jerk, I'd managed to snag Minu, and then there was Eunhyeok— but something like this was probably only something that girls like Ra-im would deal with. I felt so alien, all of a sudden, in the kitchen I'd frequented these past few weeks. Before me was a stranger, who was treating me with so much spite and anger. I thought then that I was going to lose him, perhaps forever. One of the few guys I thought I could trust, gone. Just like that.
I didn't want him to hate me. I didn't want our friendship, however brief it was, to be nothing but a ruined memory. I dearly wanted to hold onto him, however I could.
'Dohwa,' I said again. 'You're…right. I don't like you, not in that way….'
He snorted. 'Way to rub salt on the wound.'
'But,' I went on, 'I did, you know, at one point….'
I trailed off, glancing down at my fidgeting fingers. You might ask; had I gone crazy? Maybe I had.
Maybe I was a good-for-nothing people-pleaser.
He stared at me, uncomprehending. 'What?'
He's given you a chance to turn back, Su-ae! Don't do anything you're going to regret!
'I liked you, too!' I blurted out. 'Ages ago….'
'What?' Dohwa repeated.
'First year,' I elaborated, whilst mentally kicking myself. 'I thought you were…really cool.'
Dohwa, to my horror, spluttered into disbelieving laughter. 'Oh, girl, you're gonna have to do better than that.'
'I'm serious!' I slammed the table. 'A girl's first love is a very big deal!'
He raised an eyebrow. 'First love, you say? You don't mean Eunhyeok Go?'
I shook my head. 'Eunhyeok was later. You were…first.'
He rested his chin on his hand, in a show of indifference, though the watchful glint in his eyes gave the game away. 'Go on,' he said.
I took in a deep breath, before summoning the entirety of my creative abilities to put to work. Out of nowhere, a tale spilled out, one of hallway spottings and private admiration. I could feel my face heat with shame at my blatant lies, but then I thought it would make me look more sincere and help me with my case.
….I had really gone crazy.
For all the time I spoke, Dohwa sat there without a word. His silence was close to pushing me off the edge. I had no idea what he was thinking, whether he believed me or not. I couldn't read anything from his face, either. It was like he was frozen in private contemplation, or maybe he was merely trying to humour me.
'So,' I finally said, dusting off my hands. 'I decided to get over you and move on with Minu. But still, you'll always be special to me….'
I coughed awkwardly.
Again, I kept my head firmly down. I didn't dare look at him. I couldn't…. But then, I felt warm fingers take hold of my chin to tilt my face upwards, until it met his. He was….
…. Smiling.
'You're sweet,' he said.
Then he leaned over the table and kissed my cheek.