「... Ah...」 (Subaru)
「...」 (Subaru)
「... Umm...」 (Subaru)
No matter how hard he tried to swallow the words Hina had spoken, they rolled around on his tongue, tasteless and odorless; he could not savor their meaning.
Subaru placed his hand on his chin, attempting a deduction worthy of Sherlock Holmes, but... he found nothing truly convincing.
「Can't quite grasp it?」 (Hina)
「Right... kind of... ── How do I look right now?」 (Subaru)
「You haven't changed.」 (Hina)
「...」 (Subaru)
「You haven't changed, but look at your face in the mirror once.」 (Hina)
He stood up unsteadily, and with Hina's support, reached the mirror mounted in the room. He took a deep breath, then looked up from bottom to top to examine his face,
「──」 (Subaru)
「What a terrible face I have...」 (Subaru)
At first glance, it looks like Natsuki Subaru's ordinary face, nothing special about it.
But it is "easy to read." It is, without a doubt, the face of the child who broke the vase perfectly—a child desperately trying to hide his guilt and act naturally.
For a seventeen-year-old to wear such an expression is truly pathetic, but the biggest problem... is that he didn't realize it.
At the very least, if he compared his face on the first day to his face now in the mirror, his past self would say: "What a terrible face."
「... Was my face like this?」 (Subaru)
「... With a face like this...」 (Subaru)
『── But, you can only be a hero. You cannot be anything other than a "Hero."』
「With a face like this, what kind of salvation am I talking about...!」 (Subaru)
Attempting to save the world—no... believing he can save it and acting accordingly, while being deaf to the nearest cries for help, is nothing but folly.
Someone unable to save themselves is destined to fail if they try to save others. Yet, a hero is one who "can do it"; that is why he is a hero, and Natsuki Subaru possesses the ability to choose success.
As for the fate of those who receive an extended hand from such a person... it is inevitable.
── Their hearts will not be saved.
They are saved only after that "Hero" robs them of everything that preserves their selfhood. He performs miracles they cannot, saves everything they failed to save, and forgives everything they could not forgive.
That "past" which shattered their hearts... is transformed entirely by hollow, flowery words, and in the blink of an eye, into "heroic achievements" forgotten by everyone.
Prayers, wishes, and overwhelming emotions—all become things of the past.
「...」 (Subaru)
「Before that, Subaru must know the results of the situation he caused.」 (Hina)
「... I've heard it from Rin until my ears hurt, to the point my eardrums blistered, burst, and then blistered again.」 (Subaru)
「Do you mean... your titles? Or your reputation ──?」 (Hina)
「So much has been said about me—titles far too heavy, piled chaotically onto a back the size of a flea.」 (Subaru)
「Even though I'm truly a human the size of a flea and can't live up to those expectations.」 (Subaru)
「I didn't do it alone; Hina and "Problem Solver 68" helped me with almost everything... All I did was shout arrogantly because I wanted to survive at any cost...」 (Subaru)
「And because of that... I ──」 (Subaru)
「... I didn't do anything by myself. It might be true that I did something amazing, but I wasn't the person capable of bearing the weight of that.」 (Subaru)
「True, that is accurate... Subaru shouldn't be deceived by that reputation, nor is there any need for him to bear its weight in the first place. It's just that circumstances allowed for nothing else... ── And that is your responsibility because you tried to save someone.」 (Hina)
Whenever he stared at his face in the mirror, he remembered the 176 times he had lost. He carried what he had no strength to bear, using the power of Return by Death to carry it forcibly, and the result was that he had been exposed.
Empty. A device that gains nothing and thinks of nothing, merely canceling out misfortune. The word "empty" that Hoshino said to Subaru now echoes in his heart with painful logic.
「Who did Subaru want to help by borrowing my hand and the hand of "Problem Solver 68"? To do all that, who was the person...」 (Hina)
「...」 (Subaru)
「It is ──」 (Subaru)
It is Hina.
He hates his mouth for being unable to say it.
Before he Returned by Death, in his first meeting with her, she saved him, and he came here to repay that debt.
He abandoned the past that could have been, to stand here now.
「It is...」 (Subaru)
So, what about now? For what purpose does Subaru Return by Death?
「It is」 (Subaru)
It is.
「── Everyone.」 (Subaru)
「... Everyone?」 (Hina)
「Everyone, all of them, everyone I don't want to be unhappy.」 (Subaru)
「I want to save them no matter the circumstances—those Kaiser will make unhappy, those screaming for help, everyone my hand can reach, and even those it cannot reach; I want to save them all.」 (Subaru)
「I want to save those who rely on my titles and trust me, I want to save those who ask for my help because I am 'that person.' If I am the only one who can do it, then I will do it.」 (Subaru)
「I know it's a pipe dream, and because I think this way, I keep failing... and disappointed her, but I can't turn back, and I don't want to turn back.」 (Subaru)
「...」 (Subaru)
「If 'Abydos High School is targeted by Kaiser,' then I cannot allow that. I, I! I want to save everyone who would face misery there!!」 (Subaru)
From Hina's perspective, perhaps nothing Subaru is saying can be understood.
Not just Hina; the only person who grasps the significance of these words is Subaru himself. Subaru's new declaration filling the corners of the room is a message that reaches only him.
However, these words might anger some, and Hina saw greed and arrogance in them. He demands what exceeds his capacity as a matter of course, not satisfied with what his hands can reach, but wanting even what they cannot—how selfish and greedy.
「But... I don't know the answer to 'how to do it.'」 (Subaru)
「── Therefore, Hina.」 (Subaru)
「Teach me, please.」 (Subaru)
He said that, then shifted his gaze from the mirror to meet Hina's eyes.
How lazy to ask someone else for the answer. What will he do if he asks Sorasaki Hina and she has no answer? Hina is suspended; if Hina refuses, if Hina gives up, the path will close for Natsuki Subaru.
And this is an arrogant, greedy, and lazy question that doesn't even consider Hina's own situation. If it were a resident of this world, it wouldn't be strange to receive a bullet as an answer.
「───」 (Hina)
Sorasaki Hina placed her hand over Subaru's.
Then she lifted that hand to place it on Subaru's face.
Certainly, if it were any other resident of this world, they would have answered with bullets.
── However.
「Yes, of course.」 (Hina)
That is, if Sorasaki Hina were the kind to abandon someone asking her for help.
●○●○●
A knock sounded on the room door—"Knock, knock, knock." A sound carrying a sense of urgency, akin to a writer locking himself away right before a deadline.
It was Nanagami Rin knocking. She needed to make Natsuki Subaru understand the current situation of Kivotos and that the time remaining before the Kivotos war was not long.
She had given them a reasonable amount of time, and his discussion with Sorasaki Hina should have concluded by now. There were things Natsuki Subaru needed to do...
「Excuse me, Mr. Natsuki... ──」 (Rin)
「── !?」 (Rin)
Empty. The person in question was not where he was supposed to be, and the room was tidy, suggesting no disturbance, as if a "merciful thief" had stolen him away, erasing Natsuki Subaru's existence from this world.
The IV drip had been removed, and the hospital clothes were folded neatly on the shelf.
She approached quickly, but the scene did not change, save for an A4-sized paper placed on the bed that caught Rin's eye.
『To the Esteemed Senior Administrative Officer Nanagami Rin, on the occasion of the season when the magnolia trees turn green, I offer my heartfelt congratulations on the continued prosperity of the Federal Student Council. Now, as for the matter at hand, Natsuki Subaru is going out on a "lovey-dovey" date with his beloved "My Sweet Honey," so I will be absent for a while. Sorry, kitty. With utmost respect.』
「......」 (Rin)
Her eyelid twitched, her stomach churned with pain, and anger boiled in her head.
「Mr. Natsukiiiiii ── !!!」 (Rin)
The note, written in handwriting that suggested it was scribbled hastily while being scolded, strummed on Nanagami Rin's nerves like a loud electric guitar.
●○●○●
「Achoo!」 (Subaru)
「Hmm... Subaru, are you alright?」 (Hina)
「Ah, umm, if you're asking whether I'm okay or not... it's just a bad chill that bodes ill running through my body.」 (Subaru)
「Does that mean you're fine...?」 (Hina)
As long as "Rin-chan" is somewhat kind, everything will be fine... Subaru tossed the ensuing nightmares onto the shoulders of "Future Subaru" and enjoyed his leisurely stroll.
「Subaru seems sensitive, but your roots are truly bold. Even though I was the one who invited you out... I respect you.」 (Hina)
「Amazing! Being praised for something not worth praising! When you say that, Hina, I feel indescribably happy, but since I'm the type to take everything at face value, you have to be careful when using sarcasm... ── I'm the type who, if a teacher angrily says, 'Then you teach the class,' would take the chalk and start explaining seriously.」 (Subaru)
「...... It's good that your tongue is starting to regain its vigor.」 (Hina)
「Phew... I just said it, but if this keeps up, my tongue will show a rotation speed that would surprise even a "Dragon Engine."」 (Subaru)
While exchanging their usual light banter, Subaru and Hina wandered aimlessly through the D.U. district. The suggestion had come from Hina: "Let's go out for a bit."
After changing into his usual tracksuit and being carried by Hina in an aerial rendezvous, Subaru was finally able to enjoy a sightseeing tour free of gunfire since his arrival in this world.
Looking closely, the streets resembled Tokyo, but the air here was cleaner, and the sunlight filtering through the skyscrapers felt comforting.
High school girls walking the streets wore casual clothes instead of uniforms, perhaps because it was a holiday. The sweet scent of pastries wafted from everywhere, and clothing stores were packed with people.
The D.U. district, used as a meeting point for students from various schools, enjoyed relative safety compared to other autonomous districts. Perhaps because it was a suitable place to distance oneself from gunfights, it was noticeably crowded.
Honestly, this crowd caused some discomfort for Subaru, a professional recluse (Hikikomori), and were it not for the presence of Hina, the super-beautiful girl beside him, his "gloomy" aura would have evaporated and vanished before the "radiant" (social) aura filling the city.
「By the way, does this count as a date? OK?」 (Subaru)
「No.」 (Hina)
「(Shrink)...」 (Subaru)
He asked cheerfully like someone trying to flirt, but he was completely crushed. His optimistic face was pulled back to reality. However, there was a reason for this loitering; even though he said they were wandering aimlessly, it seemed Hina had a specific destination, so it wasn't just a futile stroll.
Currently, Subaru is quite famous in Kivotos. Since his face, clothes, and hair color are well-known, he drew a caricature face on an A4 paper and taped it to his face with clear tape. He looked like a high-class suspicious person, but he didn't care much after abandoning his sense of shame, even though those around him looked at him with disgust.
After walking for a while, at an intersection before a clothing store, there was a familiar girl looking around as if searching for someone.
「Oh, you are...」 (Subaru)
「── !」 (Girl)
The girl who ran toward him as soon as she saw him was the one he had saved from the clutches of Kaiser. He didn't learn her name back then due to the effects of the drug, so he could only call her "that girl"...
「Natsu... ── Ito, Tsubaru-san!」 (Girl)
She got his name horribly wrong... ── No, she did it on purpose because shouting "Subaru" here would attract the attention of passersby.
「Hmm!? Hmm~... Ah, I get it! Alright, we haven't met since yesterday! No side effects from the drug, right? By the way, your voice is very loud.」 (Subaru)
「Yes!」 (Girl)
「I see, I see, so this loud voice is your default setting. OK, OK. The important thing is that you're fine. When you were drugged, you kept repeating 'Are you ok?' in an infinite loop, and I was really worried... ── Was it Hina who called you?」 (Subaru)
「── No, I didn't call her.」 (Hina)
「Eh?」 (Subaru)
「Ahaha, Tsubaru-san's appearance has already become the talk of the town on the internet, you know? On a discussion board titled 'Information on an Extremely Suspicious Person'... And since the location was close to where I was meeting my friend, I rushed over here!」 (Subaru)
「O-Oh, is that so.」 (Subaru)
Was her personality like this? He compared the image in his mind with her energetic appearance now, but eventually remembered she was under the influence of drugs back then, and accepted that this was her true nature. He placed his hands on his hips and said, "Good, good."
Still, the spread of information in this world is truly fast. Only 30 minutes had passed since he left... ── Well, even in Japan, this appearance would warrant immediate arrest.
「I wanted to thank you properly again. Tsubaru-san, thank you so very much.」 (Girl)
「Fufun, there's no harm in too much gratitude from a beautiful girl! You can do me more favors too, don't you think?」 (Subaru)
He spoke with the tone of an old man from the Kansai region, and placed his hand with a "pom" on the head of the girl who was bowing to him repeatedly.
As usual, the girls here are shorter than Subaru, so his hand naturally extends to pat their heads.
「───」 (Girl)
「Fufufu, you're right... Maybe I should give Tsubaru-san an even bigger thanks...... ── I was scared. When I was about to be kidnapped, I was crying so hard.」 (Girl)
「No one helped me, and I was being taken to a place where no one's hand could reach, and no one heard my voice.」 (Girl)
「... I was scared, so scared, I thought I would die. If you hadn't come, Suba... Tsubaru-san, I don't know what would have become of me.」 (Girl)
「So really, thank you, Tsubaru-san.」 (Girl)
She grabbed his hand placed on her head, brought it down, and held it warmly to her chest with both hands.
「── Ah.」 (Subaru)
His expression stiffened. Every time he received her warm gratitude like this, he remembered his folly for existing in this "Now" built upon failed choices, and the world he abandoned colored his memories, letting the curse seep through his spine.
Abandoning worlds that could have existed—an abandonment that would never be forgiven or erased eternally. Realizing that, is Natsuki Subaru allowed to smile now?
── Does he have the right to accept her smile?
「Tsubaru-san ──?」 (Girl)
「Ah, thank you. When you thank me so passionately, I feel a bit embarrassed.」 (Subaru)
「... ── By the way, it's okay for Tsubaru-san to smile back and say 'Thank you' too, you know?」 (Girl)
「Huh? Suddenly saying something a comedian might say to empty seats on a weekday...」 (Subaru)
「You told me 'We're even (swapped roles)' and 'Thank you,' didn't you? Come on, listen to me, repeat after me.」 (Girl)
「Ah.」 (Subaru)
A flowery phrase Subaru had said at some point was returned to him exactly as it was, and his face looked as if he had been suddenly shot.
Yes, thank you.
Thank you for making me run; he had said those words to her.
Now, all he has to do is return the word, but his tongue is tied.
His thoughts entered a vicious cycle. The curse and the past gnawing at Natsuki Subaru ceaselessly tightened the noose around his throat and wouldn't let go.
── This is Natsuki Subaru's responsibility.
The one who bears the responsibility is Natsuki Subaru. The one who bears the responsibility for the choices gained through Return by Death.
Those dark thoughts entangled in his throat ──
「If that's the case, I should have said it to you as well.」 (Hina)
「... Hina?」 (Hina)
「'Thank you.'」 (Hina)
「Because we are 'even,' right?」 (Hina)
「────」 (Subaru)
「I can't keep up with you two... really. Ah, that's right, we're even; life is give and take, an eternal sea voyage!」 (Subaru)
「── Thank you, both of you.」 (Subaru)
●○●○●
"Sniff, sniff" (Sound of sniffling mucus), a man was crying in the shade of a tree, the paper taped to his face completely soaked.
In a quiet spot where no one could see him, and no one passed by, he wiped his wet face.
Of course, and without a doubt, it was Natsuki Subaru.
『Wa-wa-wa!? No, don't cry, Subaru-san! Did I do something wrong... Ah...』
Unlike Hina, the girl had called out Subaru's name loudly, attracting the gazes of people around them. Hina was forced to carry Subaru, who had suddenly burst into tears, and quickly move him to a deserted place...
「... ── Phew...」 (Subaru)
「Have you calmed down?」 (Hina)
「... Yeah.」 (Subaru)
「Sorry, it's just... I felt something hardened inside me suddenly rush up, like Baaaaah, and everything overflowed... By the way, I forgot to ask that girl's name again...」 (Subaru)
Embarrassing, embarrassing, utterly embarrassing. To burst into tears suddenly in front of Hina—this was one of the most humiliating crying moments in Subaru's life.
「... Just as I expected, there isn't enough time for Subaru... The Federal Student Council is starting to disregard methods; in the meantime, we must ──」 (Hina)
「No, it's fine! These are 'men's tears,' just fleeting tears, so I'm fi... ──」 (Subaru)
「Really?」 (Hina)
「Ugh.」 (Subaru)
「... Haaah, what kind of trouble are you hiding?」 (Hina)
「... Sorry, this too... I can't talk about it, I guess...」 (Subaru)
「... ── Understood. Talk when you want to talk. Now... Abydos High School; we want to save that school from Kaiser. Solving this problem is the priority.」 (Hina)
After she wiped Subaru's face with her handkerchief, Subaru followed Hina's gaze.
He found they had truly arrived at a completely deserted place. It didn't seem like such a location held any clues to saving Abydos.
── While he was thinking that...
「Ah...!!」 (Subaru)
He saw a familiar uniform. An outfit resembling a policewoman's uniform, and a sharp, heavy gaze disproportionate to that attire.
Cute animal ears that evoked a desire to pet them "poke-poke," but he felt that if he did, she would bite him to death with those sharp teeth.
And beside her, another girl in a police uniform, hanging her head toward Subaru with an expression full of regret and a gloomy face.
「Natsuki Subaru-san... regarding what happened ──」 (Policewoman Girl)
「Your face is terrifying!!」 (Subaru)
「「「「......」」」」 (Everyone)
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Read 16 chapters ahead on my p.a.t.r.e.o.n : Raven737