Sometimes I feel nothing.
Other times, I feel everything — all at once.
Like I'm waiting for something to come, something I can't name. I feel like a part of me is missing… like I lost it somewhere along the way.
Maybe it started the day I changed my department back in high school.
Maybe that was the moment my fate shifted, quietly, without asking for my permission. Since then, life hasn't felt right. Like every move I make is one step forward and ten steps back.
I don't like this place — this pit of financial struggle. It's like a chain around my neck, dragging me down every time I try to rise. I've got dreams — many of them — but they all cost money. And money? It feels like a god that never answers my prayers.
Sometimes I think that's what fuels my anxiety — money.
It's always money.
And then there's her. The girl sitting beside me.
She doesn't even know what goes on in my head — how many times I wanted to ask her out, to tell her how I feel. But every time I try, that voice shows up again. That same cruel voice that whispers, "You have nothing to offer. Why even try?"
And I listen. Because somehow… he's right.
I laugh at myself sometimes.
It's funny how ridiculous I sound — a dreamer with no wings, trying to fly in a storm.
It's like the whole world is against me.
Every time I try to do something, it blocks me and when I fight back, it blocks my family too. How's that fair?
I escape into novels, into worlds that aren't mine — places where pain makes sense and heroes actually win. But when I come back to reality, it hits harder than before.
Maybe the world doesn't want me to have control.
Maybe it wants me broken but if the world won't give me control…
then I'll fight for it.
I don't have the power yet — but I have the will and a will without power is nothing but breeze.
So I'll work towards it — starting from today.
The system is bad to me. Very bad but I won't let it win.
Not anymore.