FUUUCCCK!" I yell, throwing my arms up, purple controller clenched in my right hand. "Damn it—I died again!" I slump back into my purple gaming chair, groaning.
Turning to my right monitor, I address the chat. "Guys, that's like the 30th time I've died to her.
Malenia is too damn strong. I've been stuck on her for hours."
I sigh. "Let's take a break. And play a different game or do anything else."
[IlikeToRoll]: Dude, you should definitely play HuniePop 2: Double Date 🤤💕💕
I roll my eyes. "That's the 20th time you've asked. Congrats—you've earned yourself a 40-minute timeout for being horny, ILikeToRoll." I click the timeout button with a smirk.
[LookiTsaBirDiTsapLAneNOitsyOURMOM!]: Day ten of me requesting you to play Pokémon Emerald.
I chuckle. "And day eleven of me saying no. But keep going—you've got determination. I believe in you. One day I'll cave. Maybe."
[IWANTHRBTOBEMYDADDY]: Please marry me. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PleasePleasePleasePleasePlease MARRY MEEEE!
I snort. "Umm... IWantHRBToBeMyDaddy, that's a hard no." I laugh. "You can't handle my love. Trust me—I make a yandere look sane." I flash a wild grin at the camera, then spot a message that catches my interest.
[ItouchEverybodYMUMSespeciallyyours]: Dude, how about watching Adventure Time?
"Adventure Time, huh?" I lean back, thinking. "Haven't seen it since the finale. I remember some memes, a few songs... Yeah, that sounds chill. Let's do it."
I turn to chat. "Alright, it's decided—we're watching Adventure Time. I need to unwind after that Malenia beatdown. Go watch a commercial while I set it up."
I send them a three-minute ad break. "Waka waka waka waka," I laugh, scrolling through my phone. "Let's see... Hulu and HBO Max. Wait, no—it's just Max now. Why'd they change that?" I mutter, tossing my phone back on the desk.
I pause. "I don't have accounts for either. Don't wanna subscribe either... Oh yeah, my sister has both. Do I really wanna call her just to ask?"
I grab my phone again. "Screw it." I dial her number. No answer.
"Guess we're going pirate mode," I say. "Or I could rent it on YouTube... Nah, I feel like Mr. Krabs today."
I type in a site—no names dropped—and search for Adventure Time, Season 1, Episode 1: Slumber Party Panic. I let it load, hit fullscreen, and just as the ad ends, I greet chat.
"Welcome back! How was the commercial?" I laugh.
[LookiTsaBirDiTsapLAneNOitsyOURMOM!]: NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! That was the longest three minutes of my life 😭
[THE_CAKE-IS_INSIDE-ME_0001]: F*** you. ONE OF US!
[THE_CAKE-IS_INSIDE-ME_0002–0015]: ONE OF US
[CoolRANCH]: Oh dear God, it's happening again.
[Idon'tWA0SHmyASS]: For the love of God, say sorry HRB!
I watch chat go absolutely feral. "Okay, okay—chill. No more three-minute breaks. At least not today." I chuckle.
[THE_CAKE-IS_INSIDE-ME_0016–0017]: ONE OF US
[THE_CAKE-IS_INSIDE-ME_0001]: STOP!!!! THEY HAVE LEARNED.
[LookiTsaBirDiTsapLAneNOitsyOURMOM!]: I was about to leave, man.
[IWANTHRBTOBEMYDADDY]: My love, you saved me again. Please marry me!
"Alright, let's get this show on the road." I hit play on Slumber Party Panic. "If I remember right, this is the one where Princess Bubblegum brings her candy people back to life with some science potion, and they turn into zombies... because of Finn, right?"
[IHAVETHEMEAT]: Yes! You gotta love zombies. I'd marry one if I could.
"IHaveTheMeat, you're weird. Guy, girl—doesn't matter. Your gender is meat now."
[IHAVETHEMEAT]: I don't want my gender to be meat... NOOOOOOO! 😭"Too bad. I love meat.
I don't make the rules—I just enforce them." I laugh, trying to imitate a One Piece laugh. "JAJAJAJAJAJAJ!" It's terrible.
[IlikeToRoll]: Dude, that was awful. Worse than last time. Just stop.
I squint at chat. "Well, f*** you too, ILikeToRoll. One day I'll nail it. Just wait."
I try again, fail, and settle for a normal laugh.
[IWANTHRBTOBEMYDADDY]: Don't worry, HRB baby. I think you did amazing ❤️❤️❤️❤️
[LookiTsaBirDiTsapLAneNOitsyOURMOM!]: @IWANTHRBTOBEMYDADDY Stop simping. He's not gonna marry you. But if you're looking for a relationship, I'm open.
[IWANTHRBTOBEMYDADDY]: Not in your motherfing dreams @LookiTsaBirDiTsapLAneNOitsyOURMOM! He will marry me and I will have his babies. You micro-penis-having little b*!
[IHAVETHEMEAT]: Michael Kelso meme: BURN!
[IlikeToRoll]: Personally, @LookiTsaBirDiTsapLAneNOitsyOURMOM, I wouldn't let that slide.
[THE_CAKE-IS_INSIDE-ME_0001]: Meme of guy crying behind a smile mask
[LookiTsaBirDiTsapLAneNOitsyOURMOM!]: F*** all y'all. Especially you @IWANTHRBTOBEMYDADDY. Y'all can suck my d***!
[IWANTHRBTOBEMYDADDY]: How can anyone suck it if they need a magnifying glass just to find it?
[CoolRANCH]: F
[ItouchEverybodYMUMSespeciallyyours]: GG. Call it a day, man. She cooked you.
I watch chat explode. IWantHRBToBeMyDaddy absolutely roasted LookiTsaBirDiTsapLAneNOitsyOURMOM. And somehow, ILikeToRoll is out of timeout. Whatever.
"Okay, okay—stop the fighting. That was brutal. IWantHRBToBeMyDaddy, thanks for believing in me, but I'm still not marrying you. And IWantHRBToBeMyDaddy, say sorry to LookiTsaBirDiTsapLAneNOitsyOURMOM, You hurt his feelings."
[IWANTHRBTOBEMYDADDY]: Only for you, Daddy. I'm sorry @LookiTsaBirDiTsapLAneNOitsyYOURMOM 🤥
[LookiTsaBirDiTsapLAneNOitsyYOURMOM!]: Whatever.
I sigh. "Alright, let's continue." I press play. Finn and Princess Bubblegum are in the graveyard. Chat and I keep cracking jokes.
By episode three, I start having trouble breathing. I pause the video. "Sorry guys, I need my inhaler."
I stagger to my Avatar: The Last Airbender figure—my inhaler rests in Aang's hands.
"Thanks, Aang." I wheeze, taking two puffs. Wait ten seconds. Another two. It doesn't help. My chest tightens.
"Yep... hospital time." I shuffle toward the stream controls, but my lungs seize up. I collapse, knocking over gear.
I try to yell, bang something heavy—but I'm too weak. Just wheezing.
"Well, f***," I think. "This is how I die."
I chuckle in my mind. "Death better be sexy."
If I'd known I'd die this early... maybe I should've agreed to married IWantHRBToBeMyDaddy. At least I wouldn't die single.
I chuckle again. "Fuucck... I really hope I don't go viral for dying on stream. And if I do, I better look hot while doing it." I joke one last time before the darkness closes in. My thoughts fade. Silence.
News Report – Today's Top Story
A local popular livestreamer known as HRB tragically passed away during a broadcast due to a sudden, severe asthma attack. Authorities arrived approximately twenty minutes after viewers flooded emergency lines, concerned by what they witnessed on stream.
When responders entered the room, they found HRB collapsed, unresponsive. The scene was grim—his body showed signs of distress, and the theme song of Adventure Time played softly in the background.
It was not a pretty sight.
That's all for today's news.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
I slowly regain consciousness. My eyes open to complete darkness.
"Fuucck," I mutter, panicking. I try to get up—but am I floating? Standing? I can't tell what's up or down, left or right. It feels like there's gravity... but also not.
I curse, yell, flail—for how long? Ten minutes? Maybe more. Time doesn't feel real here. But it exists... right?
Eventually, I stop. "Okay. Deep breaths," I tell myself. "I think I'm breathing... I hope I'm breathing."
What's the last thing I remember?
Streaming. Adventure Time. Trouble breathing. Wait—trouble breathing?
"Oh, fuck me," I groan. "Did I die from an asthma attack?"
I sigh. "Of course. That's how I go out."
Floating—or standing—in the middle of this void, I realize something else.
"Wait... I didn't turn off the stream. Did I die on livestream?"
I groan again. "Please let me have looked hot. I want people to remember me like, 'Damn, he was fine when he died.'"
I chuckle to myself, then sit in silence.
"God?" I call out.
No response.
"Guess they're busy."
I start to wonder. Is this hell?
No brimstone. No lakes of fire. No little devils with pitchforks.
Maybe this is my personal hell.
I think back. "Okay, maybe it's because I beat my meat to Raven... Black Star... Starfire... Shego..." I keep mumbling names.
"Okay, I beat my meat to a lot of characters. But that can't be enough to land me in hell, right?"
I pause. "There was that one time I poured milk before cereal... Fuck. That might be it."
Still silence.
"Is this a waiting room?" I ask myself. "Guess I'll talk to myself. Better than staring into the void."
I start rambling.
"I'm a 26-year-old African American streamer. Lived with my sister—pretty sure she found my body. That's gotta be traumatizing. She's gonna need therapy."
I laugh dryly. "At least I left her some money from streaming."
"I'm slightly overweight. Big shocker, right? A streamer who's not shredded. I know, I know—real original."
I keep going. "I love video games, cartoons, DnD, manga. Used to love pizza, but burgers stole my heart. And fries. Good fries. Have you ever had a burger so good it's better than sex? I have."
"I was never married. Had a few casual relationships. Not bad. Still... I should've married IWantHRBToBeMyDaddy. If I knew I was gonna die this early, I'd have said yes."
I sigh.
"I like the color purple. Royalty vibes. I've got a nice afro, always wanted dreads but never got them. I mess up pronouncing words sometimes. My eyes are brown, but they look black unless you're real close."
"I hate broccoli. Traumatized as a kid. I hate flies even more. I'd eat a thousand broccolis just to kill one fly. I'd stay in this void forever if it meant all flies died. That's how much I hate them."
I rant about flies for a while. Eventually, I stop.
"How long have I been here?" I whisper. "Feels like hours... days... years."
Time doesn't mean anything here.
"Okay. This is my personal hell. Great. Shouldn't have beat my meat to Raven the 50th time."
I sigh again.
Suddenly, a blinding light pierces the darkness.
"Motherfucking lover of all things holy—that is bright! Turn it off!" I scream, shielding my eyes.
It takes forever for my vision to adjust.
I find myself in a purple room. One black desk. And a... person? Thing? Sitting behind it. Watching me silently.
It takes me a few minutes to reorient.
I finally look at the being. They're wearing a sleek black tailored suit with purple trim. Their body is smoky—like Kurogiri from My Hero Academia. No eyes. Just a massive grin with unnaturally white teeth.
I blink. "Those lights were way too bright," I say dryly, trying to hide my fear.
The Being: "Yeah, sorry about that." It laughs—a creepy, chaotic sound. "Come on, come on! Have a seat!" It waves me over frantically. "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"
I gulp, take a shaky breath. "Yeah... okay." I walk to the desk, looking around. "Umm... where do I sit?"
It snaps its fingers. A chair made of purple living flames materializes.
I stare. "Is that safe? I won't burn to ash, right?" I laugh awkwardly.
The Being: "Of course not! Unless I want you to. Now sit, sit!" Its grin somehow gets wider.
I sit. The chair is warm—surprisingly comfy.
"Wow. This is... nice." I glance at the being. "So... you're God? Was that void the waiting room?"
The Being stares at me, then bursts into chaotic laughter. The room shakes.
"Oh no, no, no," it says. "I'm not God. I am—"
Drumroll plays from nowhere.
The being stands, arms raised in a perfect Y.
"I AM ROB!" it bellows.
Drumroll ends. Silence.
I fidget awkwardly. "That's... your name?"
The being sighs and sits. "Nobody appreciates good showmanship anymore. Yes, my name is Rob—the Random Omnipotent Being. Rob for short." It laughs.
I squint. "What's a Random Omnipotent Being? And why should I care?"
Rob: "You've never heard of one? Never read fanfiction?"
I shake my head. "Nope. Never heard of it."
Rob's grin flashes in colors I've never seen. Then returns to blinding white.
"Ahhh, I see now. You're from an alternate Earth. Fanfiction doesn't exist in your world. This'll be fun." It whispers, barely audible.
Then it laughs again. "Right, right—enough chit-chat. Let's get down to business."
Smoke swirls around its fingers as it slams its hands on the desk. Its grin widens.
It stares at me with nonexistent eyes.
I stare back, creeped out. "Umm... what kind of business? My life business? Am I going to heaven or hell?"
Rob chuckles, crossing its legs. Smoke drifts from its clothes.
"Fuck no. We're not doing that. No, no, no." It leans in, voice buzzing with excitement. "I've got a better offer for you."
"You want to hear it?"
I think for a moment. "Yeah... you know what? Fuck it. Let's hear it. Better than that void."
"Is that why you brought me here?"
Rob leaned back in his chair, legs crossed, smoke curling from his body. He raised one finger, trailing wisps of violet haze through the air.
"Yes, yes, yes! I brought you here for a purpose," he said, voice buzzing with excitement. "You're the first soul I've seen. Nothing special—no chosen one or prophecy. So don't get a big head. You're just... really lucky."
He grinned wider. "Our last show ended with my favorite character dying surrounded by loved ones. Beautiful ending. He's in heaven now. But we need new entertainment. So I was peeking into the void, looking for a soul that slipped between God's fingers—and lo and behold, I found you."
Rob snapped his fingers. A cursed-looking purple flame spread across the desk, leaving behind a glowing contract and a pen.
"So here's the deal. You become our entertainment. Our main character. I reincarnate you into the world of the last show you watched before dying..." His teeth flashed colors. "Ah yes—Adventure Time."
He slid the contract and pen toward me. "Sound fun? You'll be our personal streamer. Me, my friends, my family—we'll all be watching. Just think of it like streaming 24/7. Come on, bud. It'll be fun."
I stared at the contract, thinking hard. "What's the catch? You're not doing this just for entertainment. You want me to fight something? Kill something? Take my soul?"
Rob leaned back, laughing. "Oh hell no. No catch. I'm legit doing this for entertainment. No strings—except you can't turn it off. That's the only thing."
He twirled his finger, smoke trailing. "I know everything. But I can turn that off when I want to be surprised—like now. I don't know what you're thinking or what you'll say next. That's the thrill."
He leaned forward. "We like watching people live in new worlds. Turning off our powers and just... watching. Like how you humans binge TV shows."
I sighed. "Fuck it. Beats floating in that void. Alright, I'm in. Sounds fun. Like streaming again—just permanent. And you're saying other beings like you will be watching too?"
Rob clapped. "Exactly! Different beings, all tuning in. I'm the one who sets up the main character. Now, let's go over a few things."
He snapped his fingers. Lo-fi music started playing in the background.
"First: the world of Adventure Time is 100% real. All the characters? Real people. Second: forget the plot. You're entering a real world, and your presence will change everything."
I picked up the contract, nervous but excited, and skimmed the important parts:
I paused. "What do you mean by system?"
Rob's grin flashed in colors I couldn't name. "You play RPGs, MMOs, right? Think of it like a status screen, inventory, skills. But custom-made. Don't worry about it for now."
He conjured a purple flame ball and tossed it between his hands, humming to the lo-fi beat.
"That's... fucking cool," I muttered, continuing to read.
I set the contract down and picked up the pen. It was heavy, purple with black tips, and a gold dragon curled around it. I clicked it and signed my name. As I finished the last letter, the contract burst into purple flames and vanished.
"Fuck!" I panicked, waving my hands, expecting to get burned. But it didn't hurt.
Rob laughed. "Not funny, dude."
He clapped his hands. "Okay, it's done!" Then he jumped into the air, flipping as the desk and chairs vanished in a burst of flame.
I dropped to the floor. "Ow! Why do I still feel pain? I'm dead!" I groaned, rubbing my ass.
Rob did a triple flip and landed on a stage made of purple fire. Confetti and rockets exploded around him as he raised his hands high.
Jaw dropped, I clapped like crazy. Whistled. Applauded for ten minutes straight.
Rob bowed. "Thank you, thank you! Took me 100 timeline resets to get that right—but I did it."
I barely caught that last part, whispered under the fireworks.
The confetti vanished. Lo-fi still played softly.
Rob snapped his fingers. I appeared in front of the stage. The music stopped.
"Okay, okay—listen up. Time for the fun part. We gotta get you some powers, some boons, a new name, new appearance. Because we're not doing this." He pointed at me. "I don't do normal."
I flipped him off. "Well, fuck you too. We can't all look like anime villains, dick."
I glanced down at my belly. "I look hot," I muttered. Then looked back up. "What do you mean powers and boons? And being reborn as a baby?"
Rob shrugged. "Whatever. You'll be reborn as a baby. You get three powers. You can choose them—or..."
He snapped his fingers. A massive wheel dropped onto the stage, shaking the room.
"...you spin this wheel and let fate decide. For every spin, you get a boon."
Flames burst from his hand, revealing a sleek black cane with a raven head and glowing purple eyes. He started dancing with it.
"So—pick three powers, or spin the wheel and get boons. Your call."
I stared at the wheel. "Wow... that thing is huge."
I thought for a moment. "I feel lucky. I'll spin the wheel three times."
Rob stopped dancing. "Excellent choice!" He snapped his fingers, and I appeared beside the wheel in a burst of purple flame.
He leaned on his cane. "Go ahead. Spin it."
I eyed the wheel. "Can I even spin this thing?"
Rob waved my concern away. "It'll spin. Just do it already. I want to get this show started."
"Alright, alright." I stepped up, grabbed the wheel with both hands, and pulled with all my strength.
It spun easily.
Epic music blasted in the background as the wheel picked up speed. Rob and I watched as it spun for ten minutes, then slowly slowed down... five more minutes... and finally stopped.
Yujiro Hanma Character Template (No personality influence)
Physical Prowess
• Superhuman strength: Crush steel, bend metal, defeat multiple opponents effortlessly
• Superhuman speed: Dodge bullets, strike faster than the eye can follow
• Superhuman durability: Endure severe trauma with minimal injury
• Reflexes: Near-instantaneous reaction time
Combat Skills
• Martial Arts: Master of karate, jujutsu, boxing, street fighting, and more
• Grappling & Throws: Devastating joint locks, throws, and control over opponents
"Oh nice—I got the Ogre," I say, grinning. "Not a bad start."
Rob: "Yujiro Hanma? Not bad. Not bad at all. Go ahead—spin it again! Come on, come on!"
"Okay, okay!" I raise my hands and pull the wheel again. Music kicks in. The wheel spins.
We watch it whirl for fifteen minutes before it finally slows... and lands on:
The Cycle of the Elements
Tier 1 – Basic Manipulation
• Control one element at a time
• Small-scale effects: sparks, gusts, pebbles
• Requires focus; can be resisted
Tier 2 – Intermediate Mastery
• Control 2–3 elements simultaneously
• Fireballs, water streams, wind blasts, small quakes
• Begin combining elements: steam, mud, lightning
Tier 3 – Advanced Control
• Seamless switching and combining
• Tornadoes, tidal waves, volcanic eruptions
• Natural counters: water vs fire, earth vs wind
Tier 4 – Elemental Sovereign
• Control all elements, including mystical ones
• Reality-altering effects: weather control, elemental constructs
• Near-total immunity to elemental attacks
• Sense and manipulate elemental energy at range
Rob: "Should we start calling you the Avatar of Ooo?" He laughs. "Go ahead—spin it one last time!"
I nod. "That's pretty cool. I can already think of some wild combos."
I spin the wheel again. Music plays. Another fifteen minutes pass.
It lands on:
Regeneration / Adaptation
Tier 1 – Basic Recovery
• Heals minor injuries within minutes to hours
• Slowly builds resistance to repeated attacks
Tier 2 – Enhanced Survival
• Rapid recovery from broken bones and deep wounds
• Begins adapting to repeated techniques
• Partial immunity to low-level toxins
Tier 3 – Advanced Adaptation
• Recovers from near-fatal injuries quickly
• Fully adapts to repeated attack types
• Immunity to poisons, weak magic, low-level energy blasts
Tier 4 – Ultimate Evolution
• Near-instant regeneration from fatal damage
• Evolves to counter exotic attacks
• Immunity to most conventional and supernatural threats
My jaw drops. "Oh wow... that's fucking insane."
Rob: "You trying to be the Doomsday of Ooo too?" He snaps his fingers. The massive wheel vanishes in purple flames. "Okay—time for your boons."
I glance at Rob. "Surprise me."
"Now for my appearance and the sys—"
Rob: "Then off you go!" He slams his cane to the floor. A circle of purple flames opens beneath me.
Rob (yelling into the portal): "Don't worry—everything's taken care of! Just have fun, cause chaos, do whatever the hell you want! We'll be watching!"
The portal closes.
As I fall, his words echo in my ears. I start to lose consciousness... but not before I hear a strange beeping sound.
Like a system booting up.
Then everything goes black.