Aspen
There is unexpected trauma here. We will have to be sensitive about potential triggers. Bonds, the Dillards, and the past hurts between us were expected. A perfection complex born of trauma was not. This is my specialty field, but I think I will requisition another therapist for the personal conversations she might feel I have tinted views about. I'll reach out to Fillion, ask them to recommend a few candidates.
They would be ideal since they already have formed a bond with her, but they are the head of the Craé Sharii (the capital of Solhara) branch of Sanctum Ajei, so they can't be posted here. I heard through the grapevine that a new batch of Kaethryn trauma specialists are awaiting placement. I'll reach out to both Fillion and the dean about poaching a few.
Adding another therapist into the mix on top of tackling a perfection complex like this will change how I intended our sessions to flow. But I will never regret discovering this issue now instead of months later. It would be even harder to help her work through the complex if we let it become more engrained in her.
"So let's begin with why you feel you must be perfect. Break it down for me like I have no personal interest in this beyond how I can listen to and guide you as your therapist." The emotional impressions coming through are fragmented and muted.I won't look deeper than the surface; she is too fragile emotionally. As I wait for her to start talking, I pull out my tablet, open up a fresh session document, then write out my note to find a second therapist for Moonbeam.
Moonbeam's quiet, intense gaze might have worried me—if I didn't have the years of experience to read it for what it was. Plus, our link confirmed she is simply wary about how to answer my question. "Well, ummm, I figured because I wasn't the perfect daughter before, that is what you all were most disappointed and upset about. So I'm striving to not let you all down.
Over these past weeks, it has been emphasized often how important getting my memories back was for me to make a full recovery. With that in mind, I assumed we would do whatever it takes to get my memories back. If that includes a potentially dangerous ritual, then so be it." Her fingers were tapping out her heartbeat again. Most of her emotions were still muted, but anxiety was like a fizzing sparkler to my senses.
I did not bring attention to her tapping finger or feigned nonchalance. It would only make her feel more self-conscious, and that is not what she needs right now. "I see. So let me go ahead and speak for everyone in our Tharym when I say we do not expect perfection from you. What we would individually consider perfection would be an unfair standard to hold you to. Keir is happy as long as he is fighting.
I'm happy helping others heal. Lux is happy as long as he gets to be out in nature three out of four days a week. Those are just some examples of how perfection looks different depending on the person." I held her gaze—steady, gentle—so she could read the truth in my eyes.
She analyzed everything: the words I spoke, the tone I used, the way I held my body—even the expression on my face. She examined it all. The desire for me to be speaking the truth was so tangible to my senses that it felt like a hand reaching out. Then that hand withdrew because she wasn't ready to believe in my spoken truth.
It would require actions. Consistent actions she could eventually rely on to be the reality she believed in without question. Who hurt you, little sister? Where did this need for perfection come from? What else do we still not know to cause you such engrained trauma? "Nyxara, hear me when I say, you are not required to be perfect. Would you like to know what we do require of you instead?" I asked with a teasing lilt. She leaned forward with an undisguised hunger for absolution I would give much to bestow.
She is so vulnerable and childlike in this moment. Like she is truly a supplicant asking for forgiveness for a terrible transgression. "Simply be the best version of yourself. Whatever that looks like." She watched me, confused, waiting for more. With a slight smile, I gave her hand a squeeze.
"That is all we expect of you, Nyxara. Be the best you. As long as you do whatever you set out to do with pride, we will support you." Confused and increasingly suspicious I was setting her up to fail, she watched me closely. I controlled myself to not let any of my personal feelings show.
Deciding not to continue this particular tangent, I moved on. "Let's put a pin in your desire for perfection and talk about the memory recovery ritual. Its formal name is The Calling of Threads, and it's a memory restoration ritual, not memory recovery. We will be restoring the memories hidden in your mind, not recovering memories stolen from you." She makes a very odd expression at my explanation. A mix of guilt, hope, and trepidation flashes across her face before settling back to nonchalance.
With a mental note of the break in her mask, I continue speaking. "Yet if at any point you decide you don't want to do the ritual, we won't do it. I would, however, not recommend returning to the academy for another year or so if you don't go through with the ritual." She turned to stare out the glass doors, her gaze distant—like she was trying to puzzle together a solution the world wasn't offering. "You say I don't have to do the ritual, but if I don't do it, you are saying I shouldn't return to finish my sentinel training this school year. Why?"
Her feigned nonchalance would be more effective if I weren't connected to her emotions. Her act is actually very convincing. It makes me feel more confident that she does have the aptitude to become a good Sentinel with the right polishing. Keeping my amusement hidden, I thought of the best way to answer her question. I decided bluntness was the way to go.
"If you don't reach 100% sync rate before returning to your sentinel studies, the worst-case scenarios are permanently crippling yourself at your current essence tier or dying." She watched me out of the corner of her eye. The intensity of her focus is so strong that I can almost feel it as a psychic aura emanating from her. "If I don't do the ritual, and it isn't safe to return without it—are there other options so I can return as planned?"
"None I would sign off on you doing." I summon with a non-verbal air spell my water bottle from beside my yoga mat to wet my dry throat. Using another air spell, I summon Moonbeam's from her satchel. With a grateful nod, she sips from the bottle slowly. I can sense that she is working up to arguing with me to discuss these other options but I speak before she can open her mouth.
"I will not in good conscience allow you to do anything that could potentially cause you additional trauma on top of what you are already dealing with." That snapped her mouth closed. "So your only real option if you want to stay on your chosen path is to do the ritual as we have planned." Her now crossed arms conjured memories of her doing so in our younger years. It was her go-to move when she was conflicted about what she was told and what she wanted.
Unsure where her head is right now since her emotions are only telling me she is in deep thought; I try to address where her worries might lie. "Are you still worried about the ritual going wrong? What that nurse, and I do want their name later, told you is not even a concern for this ritual. They should have kept their opinions to themselves, especially since they told you about the wrong ritual. I can explain the sequence of events and the ritual in detail to you if that will ease your worries."
With a nod from her, I begin. "Your lessons and sessions have been designed to raise your sync rate over the next few months to the 75-80% needed for the memory restoration ritual to have its best chance at success. During the ritual, you will be guided and protected, so allow yourself to relax. We are powerful crafters.
We would make sure you would never be in danger. If it even looks like the ritual is putting you in danger, we would immediately end the ritual. We would prefer to spend our time convincing you to either wait to the following year to return or find another passion so you can become aligned over time, than risk you sustaining irreversible damage."
Her head whipped around so fast and hard I almost asked if she'd strained her neck. What did I say that surprised her so much? "You would end the ritual if my life is endangered? Why? Isn't getting my memories back the goal of this whole plan?" Her serious silver moon eyes stared deep into mine, demanding answers that would make sense for the reality she was coming to realize is not as real as she believed.