However, nothing; no use, or overdose of fentanyl, could prepare me for the strangest drug-induced psychosis I'd had. I should've known my paranoid behaviour after my first two tabs indicated what would've come later if I didn't listen to my boyfriend.
I was not wise. He kept advising, and advising, that I left my LSD alone for the rest of the night and cut my losses with not being as high as I wanted to be. The moment he was gone from the room I took the remaining four tabs at once, together, and hoped for the magical high to expand into a breakthrough experience I could never forget.
I tripped in my dream and woke up sober. Eventful. I don't remember this, but my partner said I slept for two weeks. I only have clear memory of being psychotic. Oh my god, I still remember the delusional state my mind escalated into. Every thought I had that was unparalleled with reality. I must have been in a blacked out state when I was sleeping all day.
It was the first time I had experienced drug-induced psychosis. It was one of the worst times of my life, begging to come home from the hospital phone to my mother, pleading my case of being more than sorry for disturbing her with my mental health issues; having to stay a whole two months in there as my partner emotionally cheated on me.
As much as I deny it in my head, I was abandoned by everyone I loved as I sat lonesome in that dejected headspace. Nothing feels worse than this. Being betrayed in such a fucked up way by violating you using your ultimate weakness. I remember crying on the phone every night over how cruel my drunk boyfriend was to me. The psychiatrist advised me to go to therapy if I insisted on staying with him. The staff did not allow him to drive me home. It was more humiliating anything I could imagine already not having my shit together and having that as my only adequate support.
My family let me down as well, in different ways. They wouldn't allow me to return home and lied to the team that I had done things I hadn't. Like any people trying to keep you away for as long as possible would. Sometimes I cannot fucking believe I never took it upon myself to cut these people off. They are far from basic human beings who feel remorse. They are righteous. This, in my opinion, is wretched humanity at its finest.
A support system couldn't sink lower.