Why…?
Why…?
Why…?
Why…?
Why…?
Why can't I feel?
This question has haunted me ever since I gained a full understanding of myself. In my relentless quest for an answer that no one can provide, the results of medical tests, the opinions of specialists, and the hollow words of those who do not comprehend my struggle hold no significance. Still, I persist in my search, even if it means forcing myself to adapt to environments that utterly contradict my essence.
Throughout my journey, I have observed that humans seek fulfillment through their desires, believing they possess the knowledge necessary to govern the world. A ludicrous notion, yet who am I to judge? I seek something that eludes me, navigating among those I deem "useless," oblivious to my own shortcomings. Yet, there is a common thread among all individuals—be they useless, arrogant, poor, rich, failures, or powerful: the yearning for answers to profound questions.
"What is the true meaning of life?"
"Is it merely to be born, live, and die?"
These remain unanswered. What people call "answers" are merely reflections of how they choose to live. I might contradict myself in expressing these thoughts, yet does it truly matter? Not at all. I seek that which I have never possessed: the understanding of why I was born devoid of what makes us human. That is all I desire.
I am John Xentras. I am 24 years old. To the casual observer, I might appear as an ordinary individual who has attained a degree of fame, yet I possess a profound distinction: I cannot feel any emotion—whether joy, anger, sadness, or even pleasure.
My entire life, spanning these 24 years, has been devoted to answering a singular question:
"Why can't I feel?"