September 2, 1992.
I woke early that Wednesday, fizzing with the particular sort of energy that only precedes a performance. For this is the day I officially start to teach, and coincidentally, my first class will include the protagonist of this world, Harry Potter himself.
The Great Hall smelled of toast, bacon, and something faintly herbal from Professor Sprout's corner. My plate was piled high with bacon, sausages, and toast, the sort of breakfast that would make a Muggle surgeon faint with dismay. Fortunately, I am a wizard; there are potions and subtle charms for everything. I keep in shape with a discreet regimen of potions and zero workout, thank you; you could say my abs are fitted with their own set of golden galleons.
I cradled a glass of orange juice, the kitchen house-elves indulged me and squeezed it fresh, because there's no way I'm drinking that pumpkin juice monstrosity on the first day of term. The tables were still filling. Ravenclaw and Slytherin were half-full; Hufflepuff, the kitchen's favorite house, was nearly complete, as expected. The Gryffindor table was oddly sparse: a handful of early risers, Hermione Granger and Percy Weasley among them; the rest, I supposed, were recovering from last night's welcome back festivities.
The staff table was equally patchy. Snape prefers solitude (and darkness), Dumbledore tends to be otherwise occupied until late, and Aurora keeps nocturnal hours. Bathsheda was conspicuously absent, probably a strategic avoidance, though vanity allows me to suspect it's because she still remembers what I'm like and fears to fall for my charms once more.
I exchange a bit of polite talk with professor Sprout and give her some advice on how to care for mandrakes, to which she rolls her eyes since she already knows everything I tell her and much more, but I can't help myself, I wouldn't be Gilderoy Lockhart if I didn't try to show off once in a while.
I cast a little "tempus" charm to check the time and see there's still almost an hour before my first class, just enough to double check everything and give myself another round of grooming, change my clothes and ensure I look my best.
Let's see, yesterday I used lilac. Now I'm wearing periwinkle blue robes, so what should I wear to my first class… mmm, what to choose? I settled on light brown: authoritative, warm, and eminently teacher-like.
…
I stand in front of the door that connects my office with the DADA classroom, listening to the students chatter and giving the latecomers a minute or two to arrive. I take a peek to see that they're all there, smoothen my clothes for the tenth time and open the door dramatically. Seeing that I have their attention, I stride in with my robes swooshing behind me (yes, I found Snape's trick as well).
"Good morning, everyone!" I announced, sweeping into the room as if the spotlight had been trained on me from the heavens. "Allow me to reintroduce myself for those who didn't catch my little performance in the Great Hall. I am Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class; Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League; five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, but I don't talk about that, I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her."
I flash my award winning smile and notice a few girls swooning at that, specially one Hermione Granger. Would you look at that? Miss-know-it-all from the golden trio got a crush on me, that's quite an ego booster.
Wait, hear me out. I know she's just a little girl right now, but if you look at it from a different angle, think about her future accomplishments. She takes a pivotal role in taking down the Dark Lord himself, and is also the future Minister of Magic, just imagine telling your kids the Minister of Magic herself used to have a crush on you.
"My duty this year is simple," I went on, lowering my voice for effect. "I will prepare you for the dangers of the magical world, creatures, curses, and the like. This world is not a safe place, as you may have gathered. But with my competent instruction, you will face it without trembling. You will stroll into the Forbidden Forest with poise. You will meet the unknown with preparedness."
I suddenly pull out a stack of papers from my pocket that is enchanted with an Undetectable Extension Charm, and savor the looks of dread that appear in some of the kids, especially Ron Weasley, who looks as if I had just pulled out a giant spider from my pocket.
"But before I teach you how to deal with Dark Lords and Dementors, a little diagnostic, nothing graded, mind you, merely a way for me to see where to begin teaching you."
I throw the papers into the air and flick my wrist, making my wand jump into my hand from its holster that's strapped to my forearm. Before the papers can fall to the floor, I wave my wand and they move like obedient birds, forming neat, hovering piles in front of every pupil.
I pause for a second to admire how much I have improved my magic these past few days.
"You all have your papers? Alright, you have thirty minutes to complete them, don't worry if you don't know something, just jump to the next question and keep going, I won't deduct points just for the failure of my predecessor."
There were thirty questions: basics of first-year spells, a smattering of creatures, how to respond in dangerous situations. Most could be answered in a word or a sentence. I took the liberty of including a few curveballs, harmless little jabs at attention, such as how many times I've won Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award (they must learn to listen) and what my favourite colour is (purely to reward the observant).
As I see the bewildered look on Miss Granger's face, I realise she must have reached the question of how to deal with a Cerberus. That is definitely not part of the curriculum, but I added it just to mess with the golden trio, along with how to beat a troll with only a levitating charm, and how would you deal with a dark wizard hunting Unicorns for their blood.
When the savior himself looks at me with alarm after reaching that last question, I just smile at him knowingly. Yes Mr Potter, I know all that you did last year, kekekeke. I never knew it was this fun to mess with people, it will probably turn into a habit.
Checking the time I clap my hands with a weak Sonorus, making the kids jump in place and I see Mr Longbottom drop his ink on his lap and fumble in despair.
I stifle a laugh and take pity on the kid. With a simple wave of my wand, the inkpot returns to its place on the desk and the ink returns to it as if time was being rewinded, in just a matter of seconds Neville's robes were once again pristine, I even removed the grease stains from his shirt from the bacon and pumpkin juice he surely dropped at breakfast.
Seeing the look of surprise and gratitude in his eyes, I raise a hand to stop him from saying anything. "No need to thank me, just a small thing, nothing that a simple wave of the wand couldn't solve."
"Alright, before the little incident distracted us, I was about to say that time's up, so put down your quills and leave your papers on your desk."
As they did so, I waved my wand again and they all flew up to my desk before settling into a pile.
"Well, I will take my time to check on those later, but for now, I feel it's time to give you a little taste of danger. As I've heard your previous teacher was, how to put it nicely? I don't think there's a way so I'll just be blunt, he was honestly incompetent."
Half the class laughs at that, and Ron Weasley snorts so hard he almost chokes.
"And while you might find it funny now, it won't be fun once you're out there and come across the creatures you should have learned how to deal with." I put on a serious face as I said gravely.
"So it is my duty to see you are prepared and don't end up dying an embarrassing death to some easy to deal with creature."
"So don't laugh and point fingers, Mr Malfoy! It could also happen to you, it could happen to anyone in this room if they're not prepared, even me, I'm not as perfect as to say I would never be caught off guard, there are all sorts of undiscovered creatures we don't know of, and new spells are being invented every day."
When I see the little ferret is properly cowered, I prepare to keep going, but hearing the Gryffindor's snickers, and Weasley's particularly loud laugh, I have no choice but to interfere.
"And you as well, Mr Weasley! Don't think I don't see that broken wand put together with spell-o-tape. You'll probably end up jinxing yourself and make it easier for whatever creature you come across to kill you."
Seeing him sputter and blushing even redder than his hair, I nod at myself for a job well done and continue.
I pull out a bird cage half my size from behind my desk and place it atop it. And when I let my hand go it shook strongly, making some kids almost jump in fright, poor Longbottom looked pale.
…