Chapter 30: Her Past
The girl's soft and ample body was pressed tightly against Hikigaya, and a faint fragrance lingered at Hikigaya's nose because they were so close. Looking at the blond girl with redness around her eyes, Hikigaya fell into silence.
Trying to gain everyone's affection is an almost impossible task.
Even the gods, who possess divine power to fulfill people's wishes, have a limited number of believers. Even the most correct truths, the most exquisite classics and masterpieces, will be rejected by some.
Moreover, in Hikigaya's opinion, that kind of friendship—where you have to cater to someone, please them, maintain contact, adapt to their topics, and do so much to sustain it—is not friendship at all.
Undoubtedly, the blond girl in front of him is a problematic student.
An obsessive person who craves everyone's approval, a two-faced person who uses a mask to attract the affection of others.
If he allows the girl to continue down this path, once her mask is ripped off, once the ugliness beneath her false facade is exposed in public, she will eventually be shunned, feared, and hated, destroying her and everyone around her.
'Should I do something...?
Well, I'll just consider it payback for the "perk" she gave Hachiman.'
Thinking this, Hikigaya slightly lowered his head, looked at the blond girl who was close enough to touch, and began to speak: "...I wanted to ask, why do you want everyone's approval so much?"
The blond girl seemed surprised by Hikigaya's nonchalant tone and expression, and her eyes widened, giving him a strange look.
In her mind, if an ordinary student had seen her cursing so shamelessly, even if they didn't show disgust or fear, they would at least choose to reject and distance themselves. Yet, the dead-fish eyes in front of her, even after seeing her like this, still looked as if he wasn't interested in anything, just as he had at the start.
"Why are you suddenly asking that?" The blond girl suddenly let go of Hikigaya's collar and looked at him with a sharp gaze.
"Well, most people wouldn't have the idea of 'getting everyone's approval,' right? I'm just curious, tentatively..." Hikigaya scratched his head, casually making up an excuse.
The blond girl looked seriously at Hikigaya, seemingly trying to find any negative emotions like disgust or rejection in his eyes, but found nothing. The two stared at each other for a few seconds before Hikigaya suddenly blushed and looked away.
"You saw me in this state, and yet you still want to delve into the reason." The blond girl sneered, "Are you a masochist, or something?"
"There's no need to be so surprised, is there?" Hikigaya showed a slightly exasperated expression: "Everyone has a two-sided nature. And how you act in public is probably just you hiding your true self and showing the side that seems most suitable to gain attention and favor from others. So, your behavior just now wasn't too strange... probably."
'That's right, I would never admit that I cry tears of emotion watching Pretty Cure!'
"...You're a weirdo." The blond girl looked at Hikigaya with a complex expression.
'But, if it's this person, this dead-fish eye who remains unperturbed after witnessing my true nature, maybe he can understand what I'm thinking deep down.'
Thinking this, the girl turned around, placed her hands gently on the railing, and looked at the sparkling lake surface, recounting her experience in a nostalgic tone.
"I don't know if everyone lives according to their ideal, but I do. I got used to my ideal self.
Ever since I can remember, I understood that I was blessed with a good appearance. Because my memory is better than others, I'm good at studying. I'm good at sports, and I'm very confident in holding a conversation. I'm also dexterous and have the wisdom to softly deal with unexpected situations.
But reality is cruel.
I'm not ordinary, but I'm definitely not a genius. Of course, there are people in the world who are cuter than me, and there are many people who are smarter, or have superior athletic ability.
That's natural. Yes, it's natural...
However, I think everyone has that feeling of absolutely not wanting to lose to others. When a person loses to someone else in an area where they excel, a feeling of resentment sprouts in their heart, right?
I, who am above average in everything, carried a huge inferiority complex.
I'm the kind of person whose emotions are greatly shaken whenever I lose to someone around me. Every time I lose at anything, a shadow forms in my heart. I've even vomited due to intense pressure." The girl placed her right hand on her prominent chest and gently closed her eyes.
"Elementary school was still okay... as long as I diligently completed some assignments, the classmates and teachers around me would praise and flatter me as a genius, a child prodigy. I was in a good mood and felt excited inside. I was first in everything I did in the class. I was a hero, an idol. But when I entered middle school, I started meeting people who surpassed me in various fields.
I could never win against an insurmountable opponent.
This reality weighed deep and heavy on my heart. So, to escape this pain, I looked for a way out—I wanted something I wouldn't lose to anyone else in. I wanted to be respected and envied, but studying and sports wouldn't cut it; there were plenty of people who could surpass me in those areas.
I thought it over and finally came to a conclusion, and that was—I would gain more 'trust' than anyone else.
I decided to gain a sense of superiority by being more likable than anyone else. Like lending a hand to a disgusting guy I didn't even want to look at, or helping an ugly girl who made me furious and annoyed. I suppressed my emotions and unreservedly shared false smiles and false kindness.
Just like that, I became popular, an existence that everyone liked and was second to none."
Hearing this, Hikigaya slightly frowned, but he didn't interrupt the girl's monologue.
"At the same time, I learned one thing—trust is an irreplaceable fine wine. Behind 'trust' lies the existence of 'secrets.' When people find someone they can trust from the bottom of their hearts, they reveal what they hide in their hearts.
The secret crush of the most popular guy in the class, and the unexpected worries of the smartest person in the class.
From major physical secrets to trivial ones, I knew everything.
Every time I heard a worry confessed because we had become friends, I would feel a thrill in my heart. Every time I held important information that could be considered the other person's life, I would tremble with joy." The girl's tone gradually became excited.
"I was more trusted than anyone else—thinking this, I also took this as the meaning of my existence.
However, I didn't realize at the time that the trust I gained was only acquired through a life full of lies. I just continued to live every day under immense pressure." The blond girl suddenly kicked the railing in front of her forcefully.
"And then... that incident happened."
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