The shuttle's ramp hissed open, and Team 9 stumbled out into hell.
The heat hit them like a physical wall. The planet's twin suns blazed overhead, turning the red dust into a shimmering oven. Rocky outcrops dotted the barren landscape, offering zero shade. A few scraggly plants clung to life near scattered rock formations, but otherwise, nothing. Just endless desert stretching to the horizon.
"We're on Ganfall," Pam announced, checking her wrist device. "Outer rim planet. Minimal atmosphere, minimal water, minimal everything."
"MINIMAL?!" Juli's tongue hung out like a dying animal. He dragged himself forward dramatically, one hand reaching toward the sky. "Water... need... water..." His voice cracked like an old man's. "Back in my day... we had water..."
Tessa collapsed beside him, clutching her stomach. "Why now..." she whimpered. "Why does my stomach hurt NOW?"
"Pathetic display." Kade stood tall, arms crossed, not a single drop of sweat visible. His tail swished confidently. "I train in volcanic craters. This environment is merely an inconvenience."
Juli glared up at him from the ground. "Nobody asked, furball. And why are you talking like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like you swallowed a dictionary!"
"Boys," Pam warned, adjusting her transparent glasses.
Kade suddenly knelt beside Tessa with an exaggerated flourish. "Lady Tessa, allow me to bear your weapon. A warrior's duty is to ensure his comrades face no unnecessary burden."
"She's not a princess, she's our sniper," Juli cut in. "And seriously, what's with the fancy words?"
"I speak with the dignity befitting a true combatant, unlike SOME people who grunt and flail."
"Oh, so now you're..."
Tessa looked between them, genuinely confused despite her stomach pain. "Um... I'm okay? I can walk?"
"See, she doesn't need your fake chivalry!"
"It is not false! I'm demonstrating honor through action!"
"You just wanna look cool!"
"Better than crawling on the ground like wounded prey..."
BONK. BONK.
Pam's fists connected with both their skulls simultaneously. They crumpled into the dust.
"Idiots." She pulled out a small holographic radar from her belt pouch. The device projected a three-dimensional map above her palm, showing their position and a blinking marker ahead. "We're close. The coordinates are two kilometers northwest."
Juli rubbed his head, sitting up. "Seriously though, what's up with Kade? Did he hit his head?"
Pam sighed. "Felinari males undergo behavioral shifts during adolescence. Their speech patterns become more formal, more territorial. It's biological. You know, like your blue buddy."
Juli groaned. "Great! So now I get boring philosophy classes from TWO people? Can't wait."
"I AM RIGHT HERE!" Kade growled.
"You'll live with it," Pam said flatly. "Now move."
Tessa giggled despite her stomach ache, then immediately winced. "Ow, laughing hurts."
"Then stop laughing at my pain!" Juli stood, finally finding his footing. "Alright, let's go meet this mysterious teacher."
...
The walk felt like ten kilometers instead of two. By the time they crested the final ridge, Juli was doing his old man impression again, and Tessa was taking tiny careful steps to avoid aggravating her stomach.
Then they saw it.
The wooden house looked completely out of place. Rustic, weathered, with a porch and everything. Like someone had ripped a building from ancient frontier times and dropped it on an alien planet.
On that porch, in a rocking chair, sat the smallest figure Juli had ever seen.
Four feet tall. Maybe.
Green scales with shifting color patterns. A massive cowboy hat. Duster jacket. Actual spurs on his boots.
The chameleon took a long drink from his bottle, set it down, and stared at them with eyes that moved independently.
"Well now," he drawled slow and deliberate. "Y'all must be them runts Ruskovitz done told me about."
Juli's jaw dropped.
Then he started laughing.
Not a normal laugh. A full, uncontrollable, doubled-over wheeze. He pointed at Jango, tears forming in his eyes. "THAT'S... THAT'S OUR TEACHER?!" He could barely breathe. "LOOK AT HIM! HE'S WEARING A COWBOY HAT! AND HE'S LIKE... LIKE THIS TALL!" Juli held his hand at chest height.
Jango's expression didn't change. He took another sip.
"And the OUTFIT!" Juli wheezed. "What is this, a costume party?!"
Kade face-palmed. Tessa looked mortified. Pam just closed her eyes, already done with this.
Jango stood slowly, his short stature somehow not diminishing the weight of his presence. He walked to the edge of the porch, spurs clinking softly. "Name's Jango. Retired vice-captain of the Scorpio Squad. Done served thirty-two years across fourteen sectors, seen more blood than y'all got in yer whole bodies combined."
"Jango!" Juli mimicked the accent terribly. "Howdy partner, yee-haw!"
"Juli, stop," Pam hissed.
"Nah, this is great!" Juli was still grinning like an idiot. "We got a tiny cowboy! Does he teach us to ride horses?"
Jango's eyes locked onto Juli. Both pupils focused on him independently, then snapped together. "Boy, come here a spell."
"Huh?"
"C'mere now. Got me somethin' real important to tell ya." Jango gestured with one clawed finger. "Real close-like. Secret between you 'n me."
Juli's grin widened. He swaggered forward, completely oblivious. "What, you gonna give me some wise old..."
SMACK.
The backhand was casual. Almost lazy. But it sent Juli spinning like a top before he crashed face-first into the red dust.
Kade lost it immediately. He rolled on the ground, howling with laughter, tail thrashing. "THAT'S THE PRICE OF ARROGANCE! THAT'S TRUE DISCIPLINE!"
Tessa's hands flew to her mouth, eyes wide as saucers.
Pam cringed so hard she turned away.
Juli lay motionless for three full seconds. Then slowly, painfully, he pushed himself up, red dust covering his blonde hair. His cheek was bright red with a perfect handprint.
Jango walked back to his chair and sat down. "Now then. Reckon we oughta try this again, proper-like."
He leaned forward, and suddenly the comedic cowboy was gone. The air itself seemed heavier. His clouded eye fixed on them with decades of killing intent condensed into a single stare.
"I'm Jango. Saurian species, hail from the Gecko sector. We's ambush predators by nature. Camouflage, precision, patience." His voice dropped lower. "Ruskovitz done asked me to train y'all for that there tournament. I said yes on account of owin' him a favor. But I don't tolerate no fools, and I sure as hell don't tolerate no failure."
He reached beside his chair and pulled out a long wooden stick. It looked ancient, weathered, with strange markings carved into the surface.
Juli immediately dove behind Pam. "He's got a weapon!"
"It's a stick," Pam said flatly.
"A SCARY STICK!"
Jango stood again, stick in hand. "This here's my teachin' tool. Y'all step outta line, y'all gonna get real acquainted with it, personal-like." He pointed the stick at each of them in turn. "Felinari boy who reckons he's some kinda philosopher. Blind gal who's smarter than all y'all put together. Pink-haired gal who looks 'bout ready to keel over. And the blonde fool hidin' behind his teammate like a scared pup."
"I'm not hiding, I'm strategically repositioning!"
"Uh-huh." Jango's mouth twitched. Might've been a smile. Hard to tell. "We start trainin' come dawn tomorrow. That means five in the mornin', sharp as a knife. Anyone shows up late gets the stick. Anyone talks back gets the stick. Anyone fails an exercise..." He tapped the stick against his palm with a hollow thunk.
"Gets the stick," Kade finished, no longer laughing. His voice dropped into something more serious. "Swift punishment for weakness. Understood."
"Smart kitty cat."
Juli peeked out from behind Pam. "So... no water breaks?"
THWACK.
The stick extended impossibly fast, smacking Juli's exposed forehead.
"OW!"
"That there was for the stupid question." Jango settled back into his rocking chair. "Now git on inside. Y'all got bunks waitin'. Separate rooms, don't even think 'bout causin' no ruckus. Rest up good. Come tomorrow, we gonna see what Ruskovitz was goin' on about."
The chair creaked as he rocked slowly, taking another drink. His eyes tracked them without his head moving, predatory and calm.
Team 9 stood frozen.
"Well?" Jango drawled. "Y'all growin' roots in my dirt? I said git!"
They scrambled toward the house.
Juli rubbed his forehead and his cheek simultaneously. "I think I hate cowboys now."
"You brought this on yourself," Pam said without sympathy.
"He's so scary," Tessa whispered, her stomach ache forgotten.
Kade flexed his claws, his competitive energy oddly subdued. "Did you witness the velocity of that strike? Minimal warning, maximum impact."
On the porch, Jango watched them disappear inside. He took another long drink, eyes returning to the horizon where the twin suns were starting their descent.
"Ruskovitz, you ol' fool," he muttered. "Sendin' me a bunch of greenhorns with more mouth than sense."
But his smile was real this time. The kind of smile a predator gets when it spots interesting prey.
"Yeah. This'll be mighty fun."