How many talents, opportunities and lives are buried by the shovel of envy - I learned back in the institute. Many minds of mankind have paid attention to this phenomenon. King Solomon called envy "rottenness to the bones." And St. Basil the Great wrote that "envy, like rust, eats the soul in which it lives". What is envy really? Is this disease really present in the soul of every person? What are the physical manifestations of this disease? Why does it arise? What consequences does it bring? What types and subtypes are divided into?...? At the institute, a psychology teacher gave us a lot of lectures on the phenomenon of envy. He was as if obsessed with this subject. And only when he, having taken pills, committed suicide, we learned the real reason for his unhealthy interest in such a feeling as envy.
A suicide note shed light on the dark side of our teacher's life. In it, the man angrily accused his parents of being the cause of his torment in life. As it turned out from his last message, his father and mother constantly compared his son with his peers, beat him for the slightest provocation, and insulting words to the boy were the norm. The peculiar parental upbringing led to the fact that our teacher began to unconsciously compare himself with other, better, in the opinion of his father and mother, boys. As a child, he felt an unconcealed sense of guilt that he could not live up to his parents' ideals. He was tormented by his own powerlessness to become what they wanted him to be. Thus was born a black suffocating envy, first of more successful classmates, then of fellow students and coworkers. Once settled in his soul, the monster of envy destroyed from within, like a nasty solitaire of its "master". Our teacher was not satisfied with himself and life all the time. It was not enough for him what he had and could do. He was always haunted by the obsessive thought that he just had to be the best in everything! And it drove him crazy and poisoned his soul all his life. The last straw of obnoxious torment was a chance meeting with a former classmate who had achieved tremendous success in the field of psychology, received a master's degree and opened his own practice. From that moment on, our teacher's envy turned into a phobia. The teacher went out of his way to rise above his successful classmate. Wanting to overtake his acquaintance, he chased after him like a marathon runner, but at every step he was only met with failure. That long-awaited promotion passed him by, then to give lectures at famous seminars invited not him, or no money to open a personal office of a psychologist. A few years later, exhausted mentally and morally, he could no longer respect himself. Envy so ate him that the teacher even thought of killing his idol, on whom he was so eager to become like. Unfortunately, this obsession turned out to be fatal for him. Realizing the roots of suffering, he decided not to be tormented by such a "disease" anymore and killed it, ending his life.
It was the study of the file of my next hero that made me pick up this sad story about a psychology teacher from the depths of my memory. While reading his biography in detail, I came across some interesting facts from his life and learned that he was stricken with the same disease as my psychology teacher.
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Now, the patient was a former classmate of mine. He had been working for many years as a sales manager for a wholesale security and fire systems firm. His only friend, who had gotten him the job, had long ago become the head of the sales department. Although they started out together as office managers. When his friend was promoted, Sick got into the habit of comparing himself and his achievements with other colleagues. At first, they were harmless comparisons. But as the years went by, the realization that everyone was achieving something, and he was treading water, began to bring in notes of aggression and anger towards those who, in his opinion, were better. Like my psychology teacher, Sick tried to do everything he could to climb the career ladder. He worked tirelessly, brought in new clients, and could sit at work 24 hours a day. However, all efforts were in vain. It was as if the management did not notice all his achievements, and himself in general. Constantly looking around in search of someone who would appreciate the result of his work, the patient did not realize that it was not his professional qualities, but the fact that others did not like him as a person. None of the management wanted to get close to a person with an unfriendly character and a gloomy expression. It was hard to communicate with him on non-work-related topics. He could not support a conversation about something light and pleasant. He could not joke and be the soul of the company. Therefore, Sick was not among the favorites and favorites who got the most delicious slices of the "work" pie.
Having lost all hope of achieving the desired results, the patient became sullen and discouraged. Over the years, his moping turned into an underlying anger at the success of others. He felt that this state of affairs was unfair. Why was he worse than others? Why do some people get everything and he gets nothing? He began to blame everyone around him for his own failures and failures. Preoccupied with constant "competitions" and comparisons, the poor man did not notice the symptoms of an incipient disease called "envy", which began to cause in him the desire to make his successful colleagues feel what it means to fail. This lust, stimulated by hatred, pushed him to do despicable things. At first it was petty meanness like scratching the new car of a coworker who made an unfortunate joke about him. But the appetite, as you know, comes at mealtimes, the deeds became more and more brutal and harsh. The patient got to the point where he started putting broken glass in his shoes, breaking windows in colleagues' cars, puncturing tires and throwing away important documents. While committing all of this, Sick justified himself as if he was the hand of justice that was restoring justice. Each time he harmed someone, he felt better, but not for long. The more the disease progressed, the more often he had to take such "pills". The pain of resentment went away, but eventually returned with renewed vigor. Mental and even physical withdrawal began. In order to feel a little better, a new increased dose of "damage" was needed.
When I heard about Sick, I couldn't believe that my former classmate had become like that. I remembered him as a self-confident and self-assured boy. At school, he always achieved what he wanted, which often caused envy among his peers. For example, he wanted to be on the school soccer team and ended up becoming an indispensable player on the team. He set a goal to become the head of the class and achieved that he was elected again from year to year. He always had the best of everything. A good family. Loving parents. The best girl in school. Even all the teachers prophesied a successful and bright future for him. Unspokenly, everyone obeyed him. Not because he was the strongest in the school. He just had a charisma that disposes people. But he liked to abuse his position. Often weaker and unworthy, in his opinion, children suffered from him mockery and ridicule. I was one of those who had fallen into disfavor. He never beat me like other kids from his neighborhood. However, with his barbed words and insulting phrases he hit me much harder than his fists. Often he did it in front of everyone just for fun. That's how I remembered him - a boy who wielded words like a sword. So when I met him now, I wondered what or who could have changed him like that.
My faithful assistants found out what was the reason for this transformation. It was Sick's ex-wife. He started a family early, as he fell in love with his chosen one literally at first sight. Fatal acquaintance occurred at the birthday party of a classmate. She was older by several years, which further fueled the interest of the young guy. That evening, mutual ardor under the influence of a large amount of alcoholic beverages grew from frivolous flirtation into a stormy sex. Intimate intimacy gave considerable pleasure to both. However, in the morning, sobered up, the girl did not want any continuation of the relationship. She needed a much more solid suitor than my classmate. The latter, on the contrary, fell in love with her like a boy and dreamed of being only with her. He experienced intense heartbreak when the girl of his dreams rejected any of his advances and signs of attention. But that lasted until she found out she was pregnant. To avoid the fate of a single mother and the gloating of her friends, she had to accept the love of my classmate and agree to marry him. The sick man was the happiest of the happy and thought his love was enough for three. After the wedding, he went out of his way to please his beloved and gain her favor. He gave expensive gifts and flowers, took to restaurants, took a vacation abroad, even took a nanny for the child, so that his wife could be engaged in themselves and their development. In order to please all the whims of his beloved woman, Sick worked several jobs and took out loans. However, all his efforts did not change his wife's attitude towards him. She, as before, did not put him in anything and did not feel any warm feelings. And over time she began to cheat openly. This blow was so strong for my classmate that it shattered his manhood. His wounded ego drove him crazy at the thought that he will always be branded as a "cuckold"! But despite this, his love was so strong that he was ready to forgive his wife, but she did not need it. Without explaining anything, the woman filed for divorce, took her son and left to a well-to-do lover who was 15 years older than her. The sick man was so heartbroken that he did not interfere with her actions. Betrayed and rejected, he lost the taste of life and stopped believing in himself as a man, which in time formed a loser complex in him.
Sick's unhappy love story brought back memories of a psychology teacher. The same one who committed suicide. For a moment I wondered if my teacher had a chance to stay alive and get rid of his jealousy. An idea came to me: to use my former classmate's illness not for self-destruction, but for healing. Using his example, I wanted to find out whether it was possible to cure such a soul-destroying vice as envy. So, instead of an object of revenge, the sick person became my test subject.