I love hospitals, they give the good I-forgot-I-was-hit-by-a-car good stuff. I was busy staring up at the black hole sun that was the light when Erica, my dark haired Barbie ran in. She quickly started talking to the doctors while I blinked at the ceiling light burning holes in my eyes. How does light do that if it's just waves?....waves… crowds….chocolate… I like chocolate.
"You mean his balls are gone!" Erica yelled. "Will he have to wear the cone of shame like a dog?" Erica leaned in. What the hell? I don't play sports. What balls are they talking about? Wait- tennis balls? Bowling balls?… I lean forward.
"I is not a dog!" I drooled. I turned to Erica and started barking at her.
The door opened again. Another voice, this one cheerful and loud. "Oh man, so this is where the party is!" Charlie?... Charlie…Charlie! My home slice! I tried to get up and immediately lost a fight with gravity. Charlie caught me and laughed, Erica said something. He smelled like onion rings… I want a steak… My balls hurt….Oh! Those balls!... Shit…
Charlie helped me sit up while I was too busy hugging him repeating how much "I wuv him". Charlie laughed. How did this dude smell of pot like it was body spray?
"Wow, Marty. They gave you the good stuff. I'll have to get some from you later."
"You will not! I'm… pretty sure that's illegal." Erica scolded. "Marty, stop doing that, you're not a dog." I continued to bark and growl at her while drooling all over myself.
"Oooohhh You get her boy!" Charlie started to bark with me. The nurse-doctor-thing started to laugh.
"Oh my God." Erica covered her eyes with her hand, her other arm folded over her chest. "I swear I'm selling you two to the circus for peanuts."
"Hey, it's a better deal than the pennies I make at work." Charlie said, folding his arm with a smirk. I wonder if he has a joint. I pulled his hoodie pocket open and tried to peek in but he waved me away. I sighed and collapsed back onto the bed. As Erica, Charlie and the… doctor(?) talked, I looked at the door Charlie came in through. Then I saw it: A ballerina. A little girl, maybe eight years old, in a pink get-up. She skipped past the doorway. I choked on the words, coughing hard. They sat me up and beat on my back. I pointed to the door, but she was gone.
A ballerina floated around my room one day.
It had been a few days, and the doctors were laying off the pain pills. What bullshit. I sipped on the small hospital cup through the child-size straw. I glared at Charlie as he happily snored while I tried to watch the news. "Charlie… Charlie!... CHARLIE!" I started to yell. Nothing. I sighed and pulled out the water gun Erica left me. I took aim for his open mouth when I heard it.
"You got this Dad."
I jumped and looked around. Was someone's kid in here? The door was closed. If it wasn't for my stitches I would walk out to go see. The idea of crab-walking down the hall in an open-back gown, asking "Who are you calling daddy?" sounded like a quick way to end up on a watchlist. The TV was still quietly playing the news, nothing about children or dads… Maybe it was a commercial. I took aim again and shot water into Charlie's open mouth. He waved his arms trying to fight the water and fell off the couch.
"What the hell!?" I laughed as he looked around until he remembered where he was. "You're a dick." He glared with a smirk.
"Hey man you were the one snoring. I thought we were going to have an earthquake." Before he could respond his phone rang.
"Yo… Hey Mom… yea I'm with old phantom balls…" I gave him the middle finger. "Yea, sure, I'll tell him" He pulled the phone away. "Mom said she never loved you. That you're adopted aaaannnddd she's going to sell you to the circus later." Even from my bed I could hear Mom tell him to shut up. Mom always believed it was a bad word. Unless it was Charlie who kept score of how often he could get her to say it. Charlie just laughed as he walked out the room as mom fussed him.
I could finally hear the TV but I wasn't sure I liked it. I sat there looking down at my lap. They were really gone. The old family jewels left me. I felt like I lost a huge part of myself… because I did… ha got 'em…
Erica said it was ok, we could always adopt but I saw the look in her eyes. The tears she held back. I've known her since highschool, there was no fooling me. This accident took her dream of motherhood from her… And my fatherhood. At least she didn't recommend a sperm donor. No way was I going to let another mad spunk be inside my wife! On top of that, what about all those stories about women getting the wrong sperm. Even if we had some of my seeds frozen before this it could have gone to the wrong woman. I shivered at the thought.
I looked out the window. The sky was that nice shade of orange and purple. It reminded me of some of Charlie's drawings before he got into horror and action. When he was little he loved to draw nature and plants. He was the outdoorsy boy that always had a tan and leaves and bugs in his hair.
What was that? Static? The news was gone and replaced with that white snow I haven't seen in years. How cold do they keep these places now? I could see my breath. The door Charlie left out of looked almost normal. The window blacked out by a shadow. I gulped loud enough for me to hear. I didn't like how this was going. I turned back to the TV to see a kid at the window behind it, wearing a blue cap like his eyes. I stared at them. Who's creepy kid? Wait…. Wait… I'm on the sixth floor…
I'm on the sixth floor! I tried to hop out of bed but stopped half way, doubling over in pain. Everything from the waist down hurt after that quick movement. I looked back at the window - the kid was tapping on the glass, grinning like he knew something I didn't.
Why did he look kinda like Erica?
Nevermind. I've got to get help! I tried to grab the remote on the bed, but I dropped it. I did what any sensible ballless man would do. I screamed like a little bitch.
The door banged open. Charlie stood with his foot still raised ready to kick ass and take names - until he saw it was just me screaming at a window. His serious eyes scanned the room before he smiled. "Damn, Marty. You really scared me there." I sat there with my jaw hanging open. I pointed at the window but when I looked. Obviously the little twerp was gone. "What? Seen a bird?" Charlie walked to the window, yea the kid was gone. Awesome. I've lost my balls and my mind.Two-for-one deal!