"It won't be that bad. It won't be that bad," I mutter, fingers crossed behind my back. I push my bedroom door open, then scan the empty space.
"Is he there!?" Naomi's panicked voice swims from behind before darting to join me on the corridor, eyes moving in all directions. "He's not here! Could he have gone home?"
He wouldn't dare. I look farther towards the balcony, then back to Naomi. "I think he went home, Naomi."
She plants a hand on her hip, shaking her head. "No, he won't do that, not when he promised to drop me off after the party."
I tilt, narrowing my eyes. "Are you sure? I don't recall him saying that with his mouth."
Her lips part, blinking. "Well - he did - you just weren't paying attention," she brushes past me, hair bouncing as she hurries to join the others in the living room.
Shaking my head, I make my way into the room then shut the door with a soft click. Voices from the living room are muffled now, but the bass still manages to leak its way through the wall.
Looking straight ahead towards the balcony, "it won't be that bad - you know what, screw this!"
I fling the thick honey-gold curtains to the side before sliding the balcony door open. Abel is here, pacing up and down with his fists flexing and curling at his sides, his brows and jaws are locked so tight on his face, I see veins snaking his temples.
He looks pretty upset. If Naomi had found him like this, I bet she wouldn't have been able to recognise him.
He registers my presence and his pacing gets quicker, heavier... I think I see smoke.
Ahhh... what a sight. Is this what he really looks like when provoked? Cool.... I think he's never looked this hot before.
Wait... What if I provoke him even more? Will he finally explode?
I slide the door shut, and this time, the bass dies completely, leaving only the steady sound of his footsteps.
"You're really good at hiding," I say very softly, rubbing my arms as I rest against the railing.
"I needed air."
His words cut sharp, but his tone is placid.
"What, you thought I'd hide in your bedroom?"
A smile tugs the corner of my mouth but doesn't fully form. I watch the tension in his shoulders, the way his chest tightens with each breath, and the restraint almost looks sweet on him-the effort he's taking to remain calm.
"Ephesians five, eighteen," I murmur, lashes low as I cast him a sidelong look. "Drinking's not forbidden, Abel. Getting drunk is."
That stops him. He turns just enough to catch me from the corner of his eye.
"You're not drunk, are you?" My voice drapes across the air as if we're only making small talk.
He resumes pacing. "No."
"Tipsy? A little high?"
"It'd take far more than two shots to get me drunk, Jessica."
"Okay, so you're good, you haven't broken any Divine law." My voice wavers against the biting cold. "But if you're not drunk or high, I don't get why you'd leave in the middle of the party-especially when the game's just getting good. Come back inside, it's freezing out here."
He stops, then turns, eyes pinning me. "You look satisfied."
My brow arches. "Of what?"
He shrugs. "You rubbing yourself all over Beatrice."
My jaw drops, blinking. "I wasn't rubbing all over Beatrice!"
His lips twist. "No, of course you weren't, the same way you weren't thrilled when she just happened to show up at the door."
I drop my gaze, biting back a grin. "Abel, this is my last party before my conversion. Can't I at least enjoy it... with everyone?"
He barks a laugh that holds no humor. "Yeah, and that includes kissing someone else's girlfriend in front of-" he air quotes, "-everyone."
I squint, feigning thought. "Kissing..." I tap my lip, drawing the words. "kissing... Is that what this is about? Abel, it's just a game. Besides, every single person in there is too high to give a damn about one... kiss."
He closes the space between us, eyes bloodshot. "You were dared to kiss someone you found attractive in the room. And I saw it, Jessica, I saw what flickered in your eyes before your mouth even touched hers. And I wish I could unsee that hunger and lust. I wish you hadn't done it in front of me."
His hands knot into fists as he turns away, pacing again. Lust? Hunger? He's high. He has to be high, he's making up scenes that never happened.
Playing along. "This is Beatrice, Abel, I thought you already knew I wanted her. That I still want her. You know what else? While you were busy trying to get yourself killed, I lost it at her-for telling you about my nightmares, and we haven't been good since."
His jaw locks, "So, you think kissing her is going to fix that!"
"Jesus fucking christ, Abel, we kissed! We didn't fuck! I don't see what the big deal is."
"The big deal?" His voice splinters, taking a step closer. "The big deal is I was right there, standing across from you, and you didn't even look at me. The big deal is you've never even looked at me the way you look at her. The big deal is you let yourself drown in her mouth, in her hands, while I stood there choking on air."
My eyes flutter once. Twice. Three times. Holy shit... He's high! He's fucking high. Yes!
I clear my throat. "What, you didn't think I'd kiss you, did you? Abel, the nerves in your body don't even work anymore, so why bother? And why the hell should I care about your feelings when you've never cared about mine-" His hands slam down on my shoulders, cold and strong.
"What other reason do I have to convert you, Jessica, if not that I care?" His voice rips through me, loud and ragged. "Why else would I burn like this, knowing you want someone else? What do you think I'm doing, if not trying to get you back?"
My breath stumbles. The heat in his eyes isn't doing anything to steady me, but yet I don't look away.
"So, what if I want Beatrice now?" His face is inches away from mine, I don't have to speak loud for him to hear. "You need to face it, Abel. You made your intentions clear when you suddenly disappeared, and since then, it's always been her, always. She was where she promised she'd be - when she said she'd be there. She didn't abandon me, instead, I'm the one who keeps letting her down. So yes, I kissed her, not the way you claimed you saw it earlier, but I wish I really did kiss her like that."
His hands retreat - I suck in a deep cold breath then exhale more shakily than intended. He takes a step back, and another, as if space might sharpen his vision, as if he can only study me from a safe distance.
"This is about me leaving? You thought I abandoned you."
'Thought?' The knot inside me thickens, and I almost choke on it. He shunned me for no bloody reason, or should I say he avoided me like a plaque, and what, he thinks I'm not sure that he did?
My chin lifts by degrees. After all my effort to trap him, to make him trip and pour out his whole heart - I had to kiss Beatrice instead of him. I missed the perfect opportunity to taste the wine on his lips. For this!?
I push myself off the railing, "You know what, I'm done with you. Because it is so clear we're nothing alike, not anywhere."
And fuck you, and this stupid angelic nature of yours. If you were mundane, you would've been compelled to do my bidding by now, but you're not! Unfortunately!
Forcing a smile. "I... I suggest you go back to Daddy now."
I brush past him, but his fingers catch my arm and the world seizes. Not from the cold-night air, but from the simple, shocking heat of his touch, a touch I should be immune to.
How does he do it? First, he steals air from my lungs, now he's seizing me from moving; The most powerful witch alive, is now muted by... a mere touch.
My gaze drags up to his. I hope he sees the storm of frustration raging behind my eyes and not the longing that threatens to overwhelm it.
"Let go -"
My eyes widen, and I reach to touch my throat. What is this tone? Why's my voice so... thin?
"I came back, Jessica." His eyes, full of a depth I don't want to drown in, soften.
But I don't want softness, I want an explanation; Why did he suddenly ghost me when we were already starting to be this close, to being this... close. He's holding my gaze without saying anything, does he think I'm going to beg for answers?
"Yeah, well... I wish you didn't, I wish you stayed gone-"
"That night of the fun fest, I did come back just like I said I would, Jessica. We broke in as planned, played video games, ate ice screams, took photos... we had fun. And after that, we held hands, laughing as we ran from the downpour-because none of us wanted to call a taxi. By the time we made it to your apartment, soaked to the bones and shivering, you-" his throat tightens-"you let me in. I settled on the couch, while you disappeared into your bedroom, returning with a fresh towel. I had mocked you for not owning a dryer, as it would've been much easier to dry my hair with it rather than using a towel. And for that, you... you offered to... do it yourself."
My heart seizes in my chest.
What is he saying? Is he trying to rub salt on the wound? None of the date plans I made worked because he never showed up! And now he's saying he did? When? I do not have a memory of it.
But he's right about one thing though; I didn't have a hairdryer in my freshmen year - but I do now. Plus, he has only been in my apartment once, and that was the night he brought me home from Francis's party.
I tilt my head, watching his lips as they move. He doesn't seem to notice my confusion at all, he's just spilling gibberish. Suddenly, his gaze sharpens, cutting into me, almost as if he knows I'm not paying attention.
"First, you teased by sniffing me from the waist upwards. And then, in the old tongue, you whispered 'mine' in my ear."
I blink, blood rushing to my face. "What did you just say?"
"Look, I don't know how I understood it, but that word split me open. It stripped me of everything I thought I was, everything I thought I stood for. It's as if... it woke something inside me. My touch suddenly turned ice and yet... I burned for you, I craved you-every single part of you. I became your master and your slave at the same time...." His voice trails off "Everything else that happened that night was a blur, but every single protocol I swore to uphold, dozens, maybe thousands, shattered in just twenty minutes."
He smiles, but the curve of his lips drags downward, and it forces me to ask.
"What happened next?"
He waits, and waits. Then his throat bobs. "By the time I regained control, it was already too late. I didn't have to tell you how much I regretted what we did, but I guess my actions did."
"What did you do?"
"..."
"Abel, what did you do?!"
With a frown, "I left. The next morning you woke up alone, called me, asked why I slipped out before dawn, why I left at all. And all I could say was-'I didn't want anyone to see me leaving your apartment.'"
My jaw, which I realize has been hanging open, snaps shut. Suddenly I remember he's still holding me - I wrench my arm free from his grip, the sensation of his touch still burning my skin.
I'm pacing now, with both hands planted on my waist. I stop suddenly, glancing at him sideways. "So... in simpler terms, we kissed?"
He simply holds my gaze. "Yes."
Pacing again. "And then?"
His eyes flicker away from mine. "We... touched."
My head whips toward him. "Touched where?"
He swallows, the word almost strangled. "Everywhere."
"And?" I stop pacing and face him fully.
He looks down, and the silence returns, suffocating until he finally meets my eyes. "We made love."
I can't stop laughing. It rips out of me in short, hysterical bursts until my ribs ache, until the ground tilts and I clutch my stomach, afraid I might actually pass out.
"We made love?" The words come out in gasps. "Abel-do you hear yourself? You tore thousands of protocols to shreds. A single breath in your ear, and an entity slips loose, an entity that is now part of me. And you dare-you dare to call it that?" I bite down hard, pacing fast. "Say it properly."
He shifts uncomfortably, his gaze dropping from mine. "Fine, we had sex-"
My pacing cuts off abruptly - I lunge forward, grab his shirt with both hands, the fabric tight and rough under my knuckles. "We fucked, Abel!" I shake him once, hard. "We fucked-finally! A moment that has been waiting for us, a moment that stole control from you, from me. A moment I don't have a fucking memory of!"
"It was a premonition, Jessica," he says softly, maddeningly steady. "I swear, It was just a premonition of the future."
Just... Just?
I laugh again. "A premonition you remember so vividly? Fine, let's call it that. But even in the premonition-you still left me after!"
My fists slams into his chest with a sickening thud and he stumbles three steps backward. His eyes never leave mine, and I hate it.
"All my life..." my eyes burn. "All my pathetic, miserable life, I have wandered this earth alone. I have moved from one existence to another-and in those existences, everybody leaves one way or another. They always leave me. But in all of history-" My voice catches. "No one has ever left me twice. Except you."
Through clenched teeth. "I didn't want to leave, Jessica."
Dipping my head no matter how heavy my chest has suddenly become. "You didn't, until you did. And it's okay..." I take a step back, the air suddenly too thick to breathe. "You - you had a glimpse into the future, and so you stopped a disaster from happening. And so you... avoided me."
I turn, my hand already reaching out to slide the door open-
"Don't go!"
His chest slams against my back before his arm curls around my shoulder, the thud of his heartbeat pounding like a fist against my spine.
"Not again..." He snarls, breaths burning hot against my ear. "I pushed you into her arms before-I can't let that happen again." His chest heaves violently against me.
I need to get out of here, away from him. It'll be much easier for me if I walk away first. I tap on his forearm lightly.
"Let go of me."
"No." He snarls with a somewhat possessive but violent squeeze.
I maintain an indifferent tone. "You did the right thing, Abel. If you hadn't intervened when you had that vision - if you had showed up, then everything would've been ruined. I would've hated you more than I do now, you wouldn't even be in my party tonight... So it's okay, Abel. I'm not upset, because I would've done the same thing -"
"No! You wouldn't!" He tightens his hold, pressing our bodies impossibly close. "You wouldn't have done the same thing, Jessica, you wouldn't have yielded so easily! You'd fight time, just to have me."
His body trembles against mine - then a hot trail of tears marks its path across my collarbone.
"Abel?"
"You're right - I ignored you even after having the vision, I shouldn't have. I was scared, I was weak, and I... I still am." He buries his head deeper into my neck, his words-half plea, half growl, half muffled. "Hit me again, rip me open, pour every drop of your rage on me-do whatever you want with me, I'll take it, all of it. Just... do not turn away from me."
Don't keep him, these are just words, he's of no use to you. Leave now while you still can, or suffer later.
I reach for his forearm again and subtly pull. "Abel, I can't breathe."
He loosens his hold but just enough to press his lips against my neck, whispering. "I've learned, Jessica. Enough with the torment already and tell me what you want."
It's a trap-a devil's dead! Don't fall for it! Push harder and leave!
I push harder. "Abel -"
"I'll do it! Anything. I will do it."
Shit.
I raise my palm, and slap my forehead. "I want you to feel, Abel. I want to fucking touch you and I want you to fucking feel it. Can you do that?"
"...."
Of course not. Daddy's boy is still under daddy's penance -
"I can."
I blink once, lips pulsing. "How? I held your cock this morning and you didn't even react to my touch. So how can you possibly get hard if all your nerves are dead?"
"I can't, yes. But if you wake me up, I will-"
"-Jessica!"