"I give up. I won't try anymore."
"Huh? Why? Why did you make such a decision?" my mother's questions filled with confusion came over the phone.
"Because it will take much more money than I thought. I may have ambition but I don't want to be a burden to you." I said slowly and steadly to not let her know of my tears that fell silently as those words left my mouth.
"... It's okay, dear. You can try next year."
"I don't want to try anymore. It's enough."
... "How much money will it take?" My heart sank to my stomach at her words. I could tell from her words that she was ready to pay for it.
Since young, my mother though not so eloquent with words has always tried to fulfill my every wish. Growing up, no matter how many nos she said, she always agreed and supported my decisions, my dreams. Today was no different either and it made tears to well up even more.
"12 thousand."
"12k—"
I interrupted her before she could speak any further. "I know It's too much and I don't want to apply anymore. I am maybe young but I am not naive enough to spend so much."
After some moments of silence she said slowly—"It's okay. We didn't even know if it was safe. What if they had asked for money after you went there?"
Her words contained her concern and care but there was also something else—relieve. She didn't want me to go from the beginning, not because she opposed me but because she feared for me, for my safety. I understand.
My heart ached more and more as her comforting words continued. I felt thankful and sorry to her at the same time. I quickly made excuses and hung up the phone as I felt I couldn't hide the tears and shaky voice from her anymore.
.... I felt useless. Everything felt meaningless. "What did I worked so hard for?" "Why did it end up like this?" "Everything ends like this, as if the universe is mocking me. Why? Just why? Why me? Why only me? What did I do so wrong?"
Countless such thoughts roamed my mind. Anger, sadness, regret and other unexplainable emotions stirred in me until nothing remained. Then all of a sudden, everything went quiet. All my thoughts, all those emotions dissappeared. I didn't feel as calm in forever.
Is this what acceptance feels like? Is this the acceptance of one's situation that others speak of?
I know. I know beneath this calm surface lies the storm that can break anything and anyone but somehow it couldn't breach past that vulnerable barrier which can broken with a single touch.
I deleted all the past search history on my browser to erase every last trace of yet another failure of mine. Along the way my heart quietly and sorrowfully accepted it—that it was all over now. My dried tears marked the end. And once again, another one of my dreams was left unfulfilled on this fateful cold, winter night.