"So, what's your take on yesterday's loss?" A Sports Illustrated reporter was interviewing a player about the previous day's game.
Sports Illustrated is a weekly American sports magazine owned by the media giant, Time Warner. It was the first newspaper to win the National Magazine Award.
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"I have to say, hats off to them—I have no excuse. I'm actually really grateful that Luke showed us some grace by letting up at the end," Tom Brady said sincerely.
"And what do you think about Luke saying he won't play football anymore?" the reporter pressed.
Brady was about to answer when the head coach squeezed in next to him and took over.
"I'm sorry, Brady was totally worn out yesterday and he hasn't completely recovered today. I'll take the interview for him," the head coach said.
The coach cut in because he was worried Tom Brady might say the wrong thing.
The way they lost the game yesterday was so embarrassing, it triggered a crisis across the entire industry. Everything was on edge, and the atmosphere was super tense.
If you weren't smart about passing the buck and downplaying the severity of the situation right now, it would be easy to step on a landmine.
Tom Brady was still young and too straightforward, so he wasn't the right guy to face off against a seasoned, sharp-witted reporter at the moment.
"Well, Coach, what's your opinion on the question I just asked?"
"Mr. Luke's main job is as an actor, and we are incredibly supportive and happy that he wants to focus on his acting career. When his movie comes out, all of the NFL teams are going to throw their support behind it and help promote it!"
The coach's attitude reflected the NFL's current position: wine and dine Luke, worship him, and cheer him on the way out the door.
We've shown you how much we respect you, your Highness. Now please, don't ever come back!
"Since Luke has made it clear he won't be playing football anymore, do you think he could perform just as well in other sports?"
Now that's a great question!
The coach practically wanted to give the Sports Illustrated reporter a big hug.
We can't be the only ones who look like fools. If we drag the other three major sports down with us, then we all look the same.
"I think Mr. Luke's outstanding physical condition is enough for him to excel in most sports. If we get the chance to see him active in other leagues, it would probably be a treat for the fans," the coach subtly implied.
"Really? Luke's performance in football was great because that sport relies mostly on physicality. Wouldn't it be hard for him to do well in other sports that require more skill if he hasn't had extensive training?" the reporter asked.
The coach almost wanted to kiss the reporter—this guy was playing right into his hands!
He smiled and answered, "Well, you could try interviewing the pros in the other leagues and see what they think."
...What they think?
They think you're a total jerk!
Why did you have to unleash Luke on us?!
An official from Major League Baseball (MLB) smiled during his interview and said:
"If Luke wants to try out baseball, we would definitely support him. We believe he'd be an exceptional baseball player. However, we feel his talent is even greater in the film industry, and we sincerely hope he becomes a legendary action superstar."
As he said this, he was imagining Luke's incredible running speed, as well as the swordsmanship and blade work he'd shown in his past movies.
Who knows what would happen if he used that sword technique to hit a baseball?
Please, just don't come. We'll lay on the compliments thick and pay whatever we need to. Hopefully, he won't force his way into our game.
An official from the National Hockey League (NHL) also laughed and answered during his interview:
"I really don't want Luke to play hockey, but not because I think he wouldn't be good at it—it would be a huge loss for his film career! I'm a big fan of Luke. I love every one of his movies and I take my family to see them. Thanks to me, my whole family is a huge fan now. We'd be heartbroken if he stopped making movies. So, we really hope he continues on the path of filmmaking, and we will support him all the way! Oh, and Luke has a new movie, Pirates of the Caribbean, coming out soon. Everyone should go support it! The NHL will be cheering him on, too!"
This statement was even more fawning than the MLB official's. He was clearly desperate to shower Luke with praise, hoping to completely shut down any possibility of him considering the NHL.
With three of the four major professional leagues in the US having clearly stated their desire to keep their distance from Luke, the Sports Illustrated reporter expected to get a similar answer from the National Basketball Association (NBA).
However, the NBA official gave a completely different response.
His exact words were: "Basketball is a sport that requires an extreme amount of teamwork and skill. You can't turn a game around simply with outstanding personal physical talent. Furthermore, Luke is under 6'3"—he's practically a short guy on a basketball court, so his physical attributes aren't even that exceptional. Not to mention, he hasn't played many games, so I don't think he necessarily has what it takes to be a great basketball player."
He said this with total conviction.
Sure, Luke is fast and can jump high, but so what?
You may run fast with nothing in your hands, but that doesn't mean you'll have that speed while dribbling.
You jump high, but there are players in the NBA who can block your shot because of your height.
Can you really muscle out the tall, big centers for a rebound down low?
Plus, to score in basketball, you have to actually shoot the ball into the hoop—it's not like that "grunt" sport, football, where you just run to a spot and score.
Can you even shoot, Luke?
So, this NBA official didn't see Luke as a threat. The other three leagues were worried because their sports rely more on explosive power. But basketball requires a more well-rounded set of skills, so they might not be afraid of him.
It's embarrassing for all of us to be cowardly running from one guy.
The reporter's eyes lit up the moment the NBA official finished speaking.
After interviewing everyone, all he got was a "peace-at-all-costs, see-the-plague-out" attitude. That doesn't make for an attention-grabbing story.
But this NBA official just handed him the perfect ammunition.
Immediately, a headline was born:
An NBA Official Claims Luke Isn't Fit to Play Basketball!