The day had arrived.
After the horrors that shouldn't even be called culinary and the laughter from the contest, Jake stood in front of a café in the Yokohama district, waiting for the girl who had invited him out the day before.
He didn't look nervous outwardly… at least not for the usual reasons one might have on a date.
His fingers tapped intensely on the table, his eyes darted everywhere, and every time he saw a nun or anyone with even a hint of Christianity around their neck, his body trembled as if an invisible stake had just been driven through his chest.
—Calm down, Jake… —he muttered to himself— not every cookie has the soul of Christ inside… nor do all the girls who bake them have intentions of exorcising you…
He straightened his jacket and took a deep breath.
But his mind decided to remind him of the morning he had in the bakery.
°°°
Jake, standing in front of the mirror, combing his hair with the precision of a hitman, held a notebook with large letters that read:
"Survival Manual for Dates with Possible Exorcist Girls"
—Alright… step one: avoid any kind of contact with sacred symbols or items of suspicious origin. Step two: don't mention that I destroyed three temples in my past life. Step three: don't accept her cookies (VERY IMPORTANT)…
—What are you doing? —asked Hikari, poking her head through the door.
—Reviewing contingency plans —Jake replied without looking up.
Kairus entered the room with a mischievous smile, holding a red jar with a heart-shaped lid, and tossed it to Jake.
—Here, I'm sure this will help.
Jake looked at it suspiciously.
—What is this thing?
—Lubricant, for the butt cheeks. Lately I've seen in some forums a new genre called "Trap." I'm just getting you ready, just in case.
Upon hearing that, Jake hurled the jar out the window with all his strength, making it fly. Then he grabbed Kairus by the neck and shouted angrily:
—What kind of sick forums are you even visiting…?!
Then, Hikari approached from behind and quickly placed a small device on his neck.
—This is just in case. Consider it divine protection, amen.
—What did you just put on me? And what do you mean "amen"? —Jake asked, obviously alarmed.
Hikari began to laugh maniacally.
—It's nothing, just a rosary —she said between giggles.
—A ros— A ROSARY!!
The rosary burst into flames instantly.
Jake threw it to the ground, screaming.
—SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?! JUST STAY STILL!!
Kairus looked at him calmly.
—Look on the bright side: now you smell like incense.
A few seconds later, both of them were stuck to the ceiling thanks to an extra-strong adhesive spell, while Jake left the room fixing his shirt with pride.
—If I die, at least it won't be because of you two… you pair of idiots.
°°°
Back in the present, a few minutes of waiting later, the girl finally appeared. White dress with sky-blue details, sweet smile, radiant energy.
—Jake! —she greeted, waving— S-sorry for the wait!
Jake stood up, pretending to be calm, though inside, an alarm of "danger" was blaring in his head.
—Don't worry, I just got here —he lied shamelessly.
She sat in front of him and, as naturally as possible, pulled out a small box wrapped with a pink ribbon.
—I… I brought you something… —she said, blushing.
Jake looked at her as if she had just pulled out a genocidal weapon.
—…Cookies?
—Yes —she said happily— I don't know what happened to the last ones, so this time I made some without weird shapes, I promise.
Jake swallowed hard.
He opened the box slowly… and indeed, they were normal cookies.
Chocolate. No saints, no crosses, no strange things—just cookies.
—This explodes —Jake stated.
The girl pouted and replied:
—They don't explode, dummy.
He took a bite.
And indeed, nothing exploded.
Jake sighed in relief.
—They're… good —he admitted, finally relaxing.
She smiled even more, with that innocent glow that seemed to light up the street.
—I'm really glad… because there's a place I want to take you to.
Jake raised an eyebrow.
—A place?
—Yes. It's… a very important place to me —she replied softly.
Jake nodded, trying to stay composed.
—Sure, n-no problem —he said, trying to sound calm in the face of a possible threat—. By the way…
—Yes? —she asked, tilting her head slightly.
—I don't think I ever asked your name… or the reason for this date —Jake said with a relaxed smile.
The girl stayed quiet for a second, looking down at her fingers as she intertwined them. Her cheeks flushed a soft pink.
—The reason… is a secret —she murmured, before looking up with a shy smile—. But my name's Miyu.
—Miyu, huh? —Jake repeated, letting out a faint, melancholic chuckle—. It suits you… your parents sure knew how to pick names, haha.
She looked away, even redder, but couldn't help smiling.
—Thanks… I guess.
After having some coffee and chatting a bit about the weather (and how Jake once managed to command an army of beastmen), they finished and began walking. Everything seemed normal until they turned the corner toward the "important place," and Jake saw a damn golden sign that wiped the smile right off his face:
"Catholic Church Kami-Sama"
His soul hit the floor.
—I knew it… I'm dying today —he whispered.
—Are you okay? —she asked, noticing his paleness.
—Y-yeah, of course… just a diarrhea… rank SSS.
—Poor thing! Don't worry, there's a bathroom inside —she said, gently pushing him.
—No need, I can hold it… for like three more kilometers… —he tried to step back, but it was already too late.
The girl gently pushed him through the church doors.
As soon as Jake crossed the threshold, the ground trembled. A dark shudder ran through the place, and black smoke rose from his head.
—Jake!!! —she shouted, holding him— Don't go toward the light yet!
Jake, lying on the ground, muttered:
—Believe me… the light's the last thing I see right now…
She sat him down on a bench, worried. —Wait here, I'll get help.
—Sure… it's not like I can move a single muscle anyway.
A few minutes later, she came back with an object wrapped in cloth.
—The priest gave me this. He said it might help you.
—What is it? —Jake asked, feeling a bad omen.
—A crucifix —she said with an innocent smile.
Jake froze.
—A cru—?!
The rest of the word vanished in a blood-curdling scream as both the crucifix and Jake exploded in a burst of fiery flames.
—AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! —Jake screamed, engulfed in fire, as the echo filled the entire church.
—I was right! He's possessed! —Miyu cried, pulling a bottle from her bag— Back, demon! Back!
—WAIT, DON'T THROW THAT!! —Jake screamed through the flames.
But it was too late. The holy water hit him square in the face.
Steam filled the temple. The flames shifted from fiery red to nitrogen blue.
Jake screamed: —AAAAAHHH, I FEEL LIKE I'M RETURNING TO MY WORLD!!
After a few minutes, the fire went out.
Jake, lying on the floor with his clothes in tatters, lifted his head and exhaled:
—I think… I think I just talked to Christ.
The candles lit themselves, the stained-glass windows glowed with strange symbols, and the angel statues seemed to bleed from their eyes in the shape of prayers and panic.
The girl fell to her knees, trembling. Her shoulders shook as she tried to hold back tears.
—F-forgive me, Jake… I just wanted to thank you…
Jake blinked, surprised.
—Thank me?
—The reason for the date… —Miyu murmured, her voice trembling— was because I wanted to thank you for being kind to me.
—Me? When? —Jake asked, genuinely confused.
Miyu wiped her tears with the back of her hand.
—That day at the supermarket… if it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have been able to reach the bread.
Jake narrowed his eyes, bringing a hand to his chin.
—Aaah… you were that person.
She nodded shyly.
—But no matter how many times I try to do things right… I always end up ruining them —she whispered, voice breaking—. I'm just a burden to everyone, and it bothers me to be like this… I'm really sorry.
Jake scratched his chin, uncomfortable. He wasn't exactly an expert at handling human tears.
He sighed and, after a few seconds of silence, awkwardly placed a hand on her head.
—Well… in the end, nothing serious happened. I'm alive… "by a miracle," but alive —he said with a crooked smile.
Miyu looked up, her eyes still shimmering.
—But…
—What I mean is —Jake interrupted, raising a finger— it doesn't matter how many times things go wrong. I don't think anyone minds good intentions…
Unless, of course, you're the Demon King. But there's none here, right? HAHAHA! —he laughed nervously, sweating a little.
The girl looked at him confused for a moment, then let out a small laugh between sobs.
Jake stood up, giving her a light pat on the shoulder.
—So, don't worry about it. And let's get out of here… because I'm actually starting to have diarrhea for real.
Miyu looked at him, not sure whether to laugh or cry, while Jake was already walking away quickly, holding his pants, pretending to have at least a bit of dignity.
In a corner, hidden behind some bushes, two figures watched the scene with binoculars: Hikari and Kairus.
—Is he… shitting himself? —Hikari asked, squinting.
Kairus lowered the binoculars slowly, horrified.
—Wait… don't tell me he actually used the lubricant on himself!
Hikari let out a nervous giggle.
—Didn't see that coming… look at him walk, he looks like a traumatized penguin.
Kairus frowned, adjusting his view.
—The girl… she must be one of those "traps" Jake likes. I told you, he's got a radar.
Jake, in the distance, started speeding up. First a jog. Then a sprint. Then… Lamborghini speed.
—Wow… that's already superhuman —murmured Hikari.
—They sure had fun in that church, broke his exhaust pipe —added Kairus solemnly.
Hikari watched as Jake disappeared down the street, leaving a trail of smoke.
—Looks like he's having a rough time. Should we help him?
Kairus crossed his arms.
—Nah. He's on a date. We should respect his space.
A second later, a blue explosion shot up from the direction Jake had run, lighting half the sky like a fireworks festival.
Both of them stared silently at the glow.
—Romantic —Hikari said, completely serious.
—Very romantic —Kairus nodded, giving a thumbs up.
The wind carried the distant echo of a "AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" followed by another blue explosion.
—Well —Hikari sighed— at least he didn't get bored.
---End of the Chapter---