Chapter 73: The Grand Narrative Audit
The Bureau had survived pirates, paradoxes, and ink explosions, but it had never faced anything as terrifying as Objective Evaluation. At 09:00 Cycles, the Giant Silver Gong didn't just ring; it emitted a frequency that turned every vibrant neon light in the lobby into a sterile, unyielding white.
Three figures materialized in a puff of dry, scentless chalk dust. They wore suits made of Unblemished Ledger Paper, and their eyes were literal magnifying glasses. They were the Universal Inspectors, the ones who decided if a story had "Structural Integrity" or if it was simply taking up space in the Multiverse's library.
"Commissioner Ne Job," the Lead Inspector droned, his voice sounding like a paper cut. "We are here for the Grand Narrative Audit. We have noticed a 7.5% surplus of 'Whimsy' and a critical deficit of 'Linear Progression.' We are here to determine if Section C-7 is Essential or Redundant."
The Trial of the Trivial
"Redundant?" Ne Job bristled, clutching his silver stapler. "We align the trajectories of every soul in the sector! We managed the 'Wedding of the Void'! We survived the 'Insurrection of the Shoulder-Pads'!"
"Exactly," the Second Inspector said, peering through her eye-lens at a nearby filing cabinet. "High levels of 'Spontaneous Deviation.' You have a dragon acting as a space-heater, a Muse who is technically a fire hazard, and an intern who is... what exactly is a 'Pip'?"
"I'm the 100% glue that holds this place together!" Pip shouted, waving their very small wrench.
The Lead Inspector scribbled on a clipboard. "Status: Glue. Note: Inefficient adhesive. Possible redundancy."
The 7.5% Necessity
The Audit moved through the Bureau like a cold front.
Architect Ao Bing was asked to prove that his "Perfect City" was cost-effective. (He started crying).
Assistant Yue was checked for "Mechanical Redundancy." (She responded by typing "I. AM. UNIQUE. YOU. CALCULATORS.").
The Muse was told her hair used too much "Description Energy." (She flickered a defiant, blinding neon-pink).
"It's not looking good, Ne Job," the Muse whispered, her hair dimming under the Inspectors' gaze. "They don't see the 'And.' They only see the 'Net Loss'."
The Heart of the Archive
The Inspectors reached the Semicolon. They stared at it for a long time.
"This," the Lead Inspector said, tapping the glass case with a ruler. "This is a bridge to nowhere. A grammatical indulgence. It prevents the 'Final Period' from doing its job. This Bureau is a parasite on the Narrative, Ne Job. You are keeping a story alive that should have ended at the 'Wedding'."
He raised his hand to mark the Bureau for "Deletion."
"Wait!" Ne Job roared. He didn't pull out a weapon. He pulled out the Ledger of Volume II. "You want to talk about efficiency? Look at the baker in Novus Aethel. Look at the dragon who didn't burn the world down. Look at the pirates who learned the value of a permit."
"Statistical noise," the Inspector countered.
"No," Ne Job said, his silver plume glowing with a fierce violet light. "It's the Margin of Error. The universe doesn't run on 'Linear Progression.' It runs on the 7.5% chance that something interesting might happen. If you delete us, you're not making the universe efficient—you're making it Boring. And a boring universe is a dead one."
The Audit Result
The Inspectors paused. The magnifying glasses in their eyes zoomed in and out frantically, calculating the "Boredom Index" of a world without Section C-7.
The Gavel of the Gong struck once more.
"The Audit finds that while Section C-7 is 92.5% inefficient," the Lead Inspector announced, "the remaining 7.5% of 'Unpredictable Spark' provides a necessary buffer against 'Narrative Heat Death.' Status: Provisionally Essential."
The chalk dust swirled, and the Inspectors vanished, leaving behind a single, gray sticky note on the Gong: [RE-AUDIT IN 10 CHAPTERS. REDUCE ADJECTIVES BY 12%.]
The Survivor's Log
Ne Job collapsed into his chair. The neon lights returned, though they were a little shaky.
LOG: CHAPTER 73 SUMMARY.
STATUS: Essential status confirmed (barely). Audit survived.
NOTE: I need to find a way to hide the dragon's silk tie collection before they come back.
OBSERVATION: The people who want to audit the world are usually the ones who don't know how to live in it.
P.S.: Pip has turned the 'Universal Inspector' chalk dust into a very effective window cleaner.
The Muse leaned over his shoulder, her hair back to its electric-neon blue. "Provisionally Essential, huh? I've been called worse."
Ne Job looked at the Semicolon. It was glowing with a weary but triumphant violet.
"We're still here, Muse," Ne Job said. "Now, why is Assistant Yue sounding a 7.5% alarm and why has a Giant Silver Magnifying Glass appeared in the sky, and why is it currently focusing the Narrative Sun directly onto Section C-7 like a kid with a leaf?"