Chapter 190 — "Qi-Yun's Impossible Assignment: Teaching an Intern to Stay Calm"
1. The Lesson Begins With an Immediate Failure
Ne Job stood triumphantly over the dissolving remains of the Red Tape Leviathan.
Then his knees buckled.
His eye twitched.
His breathing hitched.
His soul tried to leap out of his chest into early retirement.
Qi-Yun sighed deeply.
"Lesson Four," he announced, "is staying calm."
Ne Job pointed at the floating system notification still blinking above him:
> MINOR CORRECTION COMPLETED.
You have altered a bureaucratic entity. Good job (?)
"Sir," Ne Job rasped, "I corrected a monster made of tax laws. I am not emotionally equipped for this."
Qi-Yun pressed two fingers to Ne Job's forehead.
"Which is why you must learn calmness."
Ne Job swayed. "Can't I learn something easier? Like quantum combat? Or diplomacy between rival storm gods? Or how to make iced coffee without crying?"
"No."
Qi-Yun tapped his forehead again—hard.
"S-sir! Ow!"
"That was a Calmness Test," Qi-Yun said.
"That didn't calm me! That did the opposite of calming!"
"Correct. You failed. Now we continue."
Ne Job made a noise that could only be described as paperwork despair.
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2. Qi-Yun Introduces the 'Calmness Gauge' (Which Immediately Breaks)
Qi-Yun snapped his fingers.
A glowing parchment materialized in front of Ne Job.
It read:
> CALMNESS GAUGE — Intern Edition
0%: Screaming
25%: Panicking quietly
50%: Dissociation stage
75%: Accepting fate
100%: Enlightenment (extremely unlikely)
Ne Job stared at it.
The needle instantly slammed into:
> –18%: Pre-screaming, anticipatory dread
Qi-Yun nodded approvingly.
"That is your baseline. We will improve it."
Ne Job clutched his face.
"Sir I don't think negative calmness should be a number."
"The gauge is very advanced."
"THE NUMBER IS LYING."
"The gauge does not lie."
The gauge made a sad beep.
Qi-Yun added, "Except when dealing with interns. Then it lies constantly."
Ne Job collapsed into a slump.
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3. Breathing Exercises (Which Somehow Cause an Earthquake)
Qi-Yun clasped his hands behind his back.
"We begin with basic breathing."
Ne Job nodded, trying to follow.
"Inhale."
He inhaled.
"Hold."
He held.
"Exhale."
He exhaled.
The entire Archive trembled.
Scrolls shot off shelves.
A distant soul-record screamed.
Ne Job flailed.
"WHY DID THE BUILDING REACT TO MY BREATH?!"
Qi-Yun calmly wrote something on a clipboard.
"Note: intern exhalation creates bureaucratic turbulence."
"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!"
"That your breathing needs correction."
Ne Job screamed again.
The Calmness Gauge dropped from –18% to –42%.
Qi-Yun nodded.
"Excellent. You are learning where the bottom is."
"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE BOTTOM IS!"
"You must," Qi-Yun said gravely.
"For the bottom is where calmness is forged."
"That doesn't sound right!"
"It isn't."
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4. Emotional Stability Test: Complete Failure
Qi-Yun flicked a hand.
Three floating orbs materialized.
Each orb contained a memory fragment:
— Ne Job's first day as an intern
— Ne Job's pile of overdue reports
— Ne Job being yelled at by Lord Bureaucrat Xian for breathing too enthusiastically
Ne Job pointed.
"Sir. No."
Qi-Yun gestured forward calmly.
"Yes."
"Sir. No."
"Yes."
"Sir. If I look at those, I will explode emotionally."
"Correct."
"WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ME DO THAT?!"
"It is part of calmness training."
Ne Job reluctantly, very reluctantly, touched the first orb.
The sound of Xian's voice yelling "WHERE IS YOUR NAMEPLATE, INTERN?!" echoed through the Archive.
The Calmness Gauge didn't drop.
It shattered.
Qi-Yun sighed.
"As expected."
Ne Job fell to his knees.
"I can hear the yelling… inside my cells…"
Qi-Yun helped him up with one hand like he was a floppy piece of laundry.
"Good. Now that you are fully destabilized, we can rebuild calmness."
"THAT IS NOT HOW REBUILDING WORKS!"
"It is how bureaucratic cultivation works."
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5. Qi-Yun Demonstrates Calmness (Ne Job Hates Every Second)
Qi-Yun lifted one finger. The entire Dead Archive fell silent.
Silent like vacuum.
Silent like a paused universe.
Silent like a manager appearing behind you when you're watching memes.
Ne Job's jaw dropped.
"How… how are you doing that?!"
"Calmness," Qi-Yun said simply.
"That tells me NOTHING."
Qi-Yun elaborated:
"Calmness is the understanding that most disasters are simply… delays."
Ne Job blinked.
"That is the most bureaucratic sentence I have ever heard."
Qi-Yun placed a steadying hand on Ne Job's shoulder.
"You will learn this. Or die trying."
"That is not calming!"
"That is why it is a challenge."
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6. The Archive Sends a New Problem (Of Course It Does)
The ground rumbled.
Again.
Ne Job stiffened. "Sir… please… no more monsters…"
Qi-Yun listened to the tremor.
"…Hmm."
"What does 'hmm' mean? Sir? SIR?!"
A glowing line of text formed in the air:
> NOTICE: Ne Job has unlocked Minor Correction Authority.
Dead Archive will now send more advanced entities.
Good luck.
Ne Job shrieked.
"I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!"
The Calmness Gauge climbed to –110%.
Qi-Yun patted his back.
"Good. You have reached a new record."
"That's… not praise…"
"It is for interns."
Ne Job slumped.
"Sir. Why is everything in this place trying to kill or evaluate me?"
"Because," Qi-Yun said, "you are improving."
Before Ne Job could respond, a new shadow formed above them—larger than the Leviathan.
Qi-Yun exhaled softly.
"Ah. A Form Devourer. It appears attracted to your rising authority."
Ne Job screamed at new maximum volume.
Qi-Yun held up a hand.
"Lesson Four continues: remain calm."
"HOW?!"
"With practice."
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7. Yue, Outside, Knows Disaster Is Brewing
Yue clutched a shelf as another tremor hit the Void Storeroom.
Ling groaned.
"What now? He's only been in there for—what, an hour?"
Bao checked the unstable clock. "Forty-seven minutes."
Yue winced.
"That's even worse."
Ling squinted at the Archive entrance.
"I felt three spikes of panic, one burst of authority, and… something exploded?"
Yue nodded grimly.
"That sounds like Ne Job."
"That always sounds like Ne Job."
Yue pressed a hand to the sealed barrier.
Her voice dropped.
"…But something else is awake in there with him."
Ling's expression darkened.
"Should we be scared?"
Yue whispered:
"…Absolutely."
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END OF CHAPTER 190