Chapter 51: Retrospection
A monster of the same caliber as the colossal Condemnation... one he so much resented.
That hurts..
His conscience had hit him hard on that one... really hard... that it felt like the truth. No, it was the truth. He was absorbing their hope, their identities, their selves... yes, he was. But...
What better choices did he have? Let these souls take over his body, leading to the death of his self? Stay trapped in the refuge of the Angel's cathedral all his life, in a plane different from the real world... that's if he didn't die of starvation? Or... or... fight the Condemnation head-on? How absurd.
He'd end up a bloody dead paste, like Lucien did. Let's see..What else? What other choices?
His conscience... doesn't it get it? All his other choices led to one outcome, one he didn't want...
Death.
He had no other choices if he wanted to leave. Was that so hard for his conscience to understand?
He was even starting to think this so-called conscience of his was another different persona of its own. For they both had seen the futility of this realm. They both had risked losing their identity of self. And yet why still did it banter him on right and wrong? Why then was it making him feel guilty?
"Probably because you are," his inner voice latched at him.
He groaned inwardly. Actually,we are... not him only. He and this damn conscience or whatever of his... they were both guilty. And he wasn't denying it as much as his inner snitch did.
It hadn't plagued him like this when he absorbed Wolfred or killed those human-looking walkers... He would just stick to calling them undeads..
Anyways...
Why then did it now plague him for Auria?it didn't plagued him like this when he did so with Wolfred...or Was it because he had more vividly lived the life of Auria? No... he became Auria, seeing the world as she did, her mannerisms and persona almost drowning fragments of his. He had come to like the female knight, much more than he had chided himself for. But the identity of Auria possessed a will so strong that it nearly killed him... his identity. Not absorbing her when her will was gone now meant he'd have to go through such hell again. And he wasn't so certain he could pull out of that unscathed or, even worse, lose himself. The identity Xiall would die.
So what other choices did he have? Doesn't this conscience of his get it? He was being forced to make such painful conclusions, not because he wanted to.
"Argh.."
he groaned,his hands framing his face before sliding down.... let's just say..it was right, this sadistic conscience or whatever of his.mm was right that what he does makes him a monster, one he loathed, one on par with the Condemnation.
.. well at least his reasons weren't as monstrous as the act itself?..it was a simple as Survival..And he was positive even Auria, Wolfred... they would at least understand this plight of his. They would, wouldn't they?
"It's still suggestive. Don't be certain," his inner voice latched on again.
It was really living up to its title... sadistic snitch. But anyway, its words held a faint glimmer of truth. The Soul Tree was transforming him into a monster using a far greater monster, which made it a more terrifying monster. As stupid and jumbled as it sounds, it was the truth.
He waited for a compliment from his sadistic conscience or whatever, but what replied was silence.
He almost face-palmed. He was going insane. First.. talking to his own self,
bringing points to convince his self and then waiting for a reply from his own self. Had he been that lonely, or was the insanity of everything he was going through finally reaching the confines of his mind? Or was it the effect of having a brain with three times its normal cognitive prowess, while holding the identity of two souls... another side effect of his power?
Here we go again. His brain was still overthinking more reasons. He heaved.
Maybe it was this vast white realm that made him all sentimental and such..
But focusing inwards..within the depth of his soul..this sins of his... no matter how he formulated justifications... still plagued him with the same intensity. A burden he knew would keep on increasing as this odyssey unfolded, up till a point where...
He exhaled. But for now, this sadistic inner voice of his had the win. Not that he cared. He had another final moment to witness. He was going to witness the death of a... kid.
How severe would this break him? Perhaps it would be the complete victory of his conscience over him..
But yet still..he wouldn't find out the answer..if he remained in this white void.. keeping the Colossal Soul Tree company..
With a subtle wave...he bid it goodbye..not that it answered in reply..
Then like a mist touched by the fiery gaze of the sun,his body faded..
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The wave of helplessness washing over him evolved into fear, one that lodged in him in a frightening sentence.
There was no way out.
They were trapped beneath this huge uncaring gate. No. His eyes were beginning to burn. He sniffled them in. He wouldn't cry. He was brave.
Just as the knight had said, he had to be.
He gazed around frantically for a brick, a cushion, any elevation he could climb to rotate that huge wheel. According to Pa, it opens the gate.
Ruby's hands tugging on his tunic and the silent whoosh of the approaching darkness reminded him with urgency that he barely had any time left.
His heart beating like a drum, ramming against his ribs. An elevation. He had to find one. Unless... his breathing hitched.
They were going to die.
Frantically, his eyes wandered to a dilapidated shed, shadowed by the gray walls. From where he stood, it looked like a crooked old house for tools, half-swallowed by the big stone barrier, its roof sagging like it was tired and ready to fall asleep forever. The wood was all splintery and dark, with bits of moss creeping up like fuzzy green fingers, and the door hung open just a crack,
A thought came into his mind. He could find something he could climb there, maybe a crate or stack of boxes.
Tugging his sister by the hand, making sure she was beside yet slightly behind him, he proceeded towards the shed with as much caution as he could, yet fast nonetheless. The mist itself was approaching.
His footsteps knocked softly on the hard floor as he pushed the creaky door wider,..the hinges groaning. Inside, the air smelled musty and forgotten, like wet dirt mixed with rusty metal. Cobwebs draped from the corners like ghostly curtains, swaying gently in the draft, and scattered across the floor ,a hammer with a cracked handle l.., rusty nails spilling from an overturned bucket, and shelves lined with dusty jars that held nothing..Splintered planks leaned against one wall, and a forgotten lantern hung from a nail, its glass cracked and empty of light. No crates, no boxes, nothing tall enough to stand on. The place felt empty and sad, like it had been waiting for someone who never came back.
But there, at the far end, an open doorway led to another room, dim and murky, where low growls rumbled out.. His footstep a knock on the hard floor. Silently he placed his sister behind him, her little hand tucking his from behind with a little tremor. He wasn't yet sure what it was that emanated those growls. Carefully as he could, he protruded his head across the doorframe. His eyes registering a bed at the corner of the dark moss-laden wall. Then slowly he waved to the end where the growls were emerging from. Fear clawing at him. The more the growls went through his ears, the more it felt less human. Could it be...
His eyes went bloodshot, pupils dilating. He shrunk back, his entire body, his heart heaving. What he saw... his mind frantically forming thoughts. It hadn't seen him, right? The scary robed man who was hunched over, feeding on a cord from a woman's open belly on the floor. The robe was tattered and stained dark, hanging loose like old curtains, and the man's skin peeked out pale and veiny, like milk gone bad. The woman lay still, her dress torn open at the middle, red and wet spilling out onto the dirty floorboards, the cord thick and slimy dangling from her like a forgotten rope. The man gnawed at it with wet, smacking sounds, his head bobbing unnaturally, shadows playing across his face hiding eyes that glinted wrong in the faint light. The air in there reeked sharper, like iron and rot, making Alwyn's stomach twist as if he'd swallowed something sour.
Just like... his heart thumping. Just like his Pa had done to his mom. Flashes of his mom's smiling dead face haunted his mind, she lying down, blood dripping from her stomach, Pa feeding from the cord dangling from her stomach. His vision slowly dimming as a film of tears shielded his pupils. His eyes were burning. The feeling of nausea overwhelmed him. He felt like throwing up, his stomach burping.
Breathe, Alwyn... breathe. He forced himself, taking down deep heaves. It hadn't seen him, did it? They had to leave. He and his sister. They had to leave.
While making no sounds. They had to be quiet as possible.
"Alwyn..." his sister's voice tore the very silence he had been maintaining. Her hands clutching his, and teary amber eyes gazing at him.
In that moment all his composition faltered. Ruby, he cried inwardly. His face contorting to his normal reassuring smile. Yet inside, sincerely praying whatever that monster was, it hadn't heard them. There were no knights to save them. They were all watching from above..same as his mom and dad..
The shattering of bricks beside him.. from the wall he had rested on jolted him out of his slumber..Dust emerging from the brick pile..Yet his attention was on the scary pale, milky-eyed man that collided on the ground with it.
His eyes widened, disbelief clawing in along with fear that seemed to keep him rooted in place.
It heard them.
The composure he had been trying to calm erupted. His heart palpitating as fast as he could. His eyes fixed distantly on the snarly man-creature. Its head snapping at an unnatural degree as its milky eyes laid fixed on him. His face dyed crimson, mouth dripping saliva.
The violent smuggling of Ruby against his body jolted him from his fixation. Ruby... her eyes were beyond frightened. Her face was pale. Her eyes also fixed on the monster. Her body sending tremors that jolted through him.
She was scared. He could have shielded it from her gaze. Realization tore through him, a quick reminder.
They couldn't die here. A rigid determination clawed through him. For Ruby. For Mom, Dad, and the knights who sacrificed all they could, now watching from above. He had to...
His eyes from a side glance caught the undead lunging towards him. Its face wore a predatory gleam, saliva fluttering in the air towards him.
Terror lunging through him, along with ripples of adrenaline. He pushed Ruby as far from him as he could, then crouching down instinctively as low as he could, making the man-like creature hug at the empty air with a growl before colliding and bursting across the wall at the end. Its body crashing down disorientedly, limbs splaying out like a broken doll, dust kicking up from the impact as the wall cracked with spiderweb lines.
His eyes widened. Was it dead? The twitch in its body answered back silently. It wasn't. His eyes frantically tore from its figure to...
Ruby. His brain screamed in urgency. He found her sprawled across the floor, curling up as if recollecting herself. He could see a small bump on her knee.
Resentment stabbed through him. It must have been from the push earlier.
But urgency forced it out. They had no much time. He scrambled up, his knees creaking, running as fast as he could from the growling scary man, who had now forced itself up after oddly twisting its head.
Covering the meters, his body bored by Ruby's scared eyes. He swiped her up, her weight almost sending him toppling, yet he steadied with his feet. Making towards the door as fast as he could, his desperate steps a cacophony of urgency against the slabbed floor.
The door was within his reach when the man-creature slammed into the room with an otherworldly strength. The sound of its footsteps dancing in rhythm with the thumping of his heart.
It was here... right behind them. He grabbed the door as strong as he could. He used his grip to propel them more forward. The jagged claw of the man-creature scratching his tunic. Yet his mind, though frightened, paid no heed to the severed fabric as he immediately slammed the door as soon as they were propelled out, with as much as he could muster. The door slamming into the figure of the undead while severing its hand which had protruded from the door frame. The wood splintered with a sharp crack, the severed hand flopping to the ground like a discarded glove, fingers still twitching faintly, dark ooze seeping from the stump as the creature's muffled roar echoed from the other side.
Frightened, his eyes blurred tearily. His figure shrinking from the severed hand as far as he could while blocking his sister's gaze. He had killed it, hadn't he?
It was dead. He had killed someone. He gulped. He had. His knees wobbled. The ground spun before him. His stomach wanting to throw up its content. But still he held it in. He had shown Ruby enough horrors already.
The growls of the man-like creature penetrated his ears once more.
Along with the sound of claws raking against wood. His eyes widened, a conclusion dawning on his mind.
It was still alive.
Slowly retreating, he raced as fast as he could towards the huge gate, as far from that creature as he could. Yet when his foot stepped into the shadow of the huge black gate, it dawned on him again.
There was still no way out.
His figure a mere gnat in front of the towering dark gate. Desperation surged through him. His eyes frantically scanning the gate. There had to be a way. There had to be. This couldn't be the end. Mom... Dad wouldn't let it. They would save them. They would.
The snarl of the man-creature approaching from a distance forced his eyes to dart from this huge gate to the staggering silhouette. The visage of the door in halves behind it struck him.
It split it.
Instinctively his hands restrained Ruby behind him. His body retreating backwards until it gently collided with that of Ruby, now against the dark metal of the door. It was over. Yet his mind rejected the grim conclusion. His eyes darting towards the gate. Adrenaline surging. Resigned determination burning within his eyes. The footsteps of the undead now registering in his ears, a few meters behind them. His hands pressed against the huge gate, Ruby in between.
If only he could push it even a meter open, a space Ruby would be able to squeeze through. If only he could. His words ended in a grunt. His legs digging imaginary canals on the slabbed stone floor. Sweat dancing down his face before landing soundlessly on the floor. His muscles straining. His eyes blurry. His teeth gritted, biting against his lips as hard as he could. Yet still the gigantic gate didn't budge.
Helplessness washing through him like earlier, along with the growls of the scary milky-eyed man, whose shadow now cast a long shadow on them. Whose hungry eyes he could feel on his back, one he was certain Ruby couldn't see since his body obstructed and protected her.
His body trembled. The tug of Ruby on his tunic. The thump of his heart. The snarls of the undead behind. All seamlessly administering into his brain in severe details, making his pupils dilate. Yet still his hands caressed Ruby's auburn hair. Even amidst this peril, it was still beautiful. Nose sniffling, holding back the moisture in it.
His mouth widening in a reassuring smile.
One that said, "It was all okay..."
After all, he was the one who was going to take the brunt of the attack. The shadow loomed closer, cold jolting within his spine amidst the undead growling and loud snarls. His eyes tightly shut. His trembling hands pressing hard at the gate as it could.
"Mom... Dad..." he screamed internally.
He didn't want to die. He didn't. He wanted to live. He wanted to see Ruby grow. He wanted to be beside her forever.
He wanted to. He wanted to.
Live.
Tears flooded out of his closed eyes, along with moisture running down his nose.
He really wanted to... live.
The sound of metal against bone then a dying screech jolted into his subconscious. He could feel a viscous moisture drenching his tunic from behind. His eyes jolted open, casting sideways in his bent posture.
Only to see the monster falling with its eyes sunken to the ground with a thud. A long sword lodged in its chest. Blood and some dark liquid pooling out.
Instinctively his hands covered his sister's teary eyes. The creature it was dead.
It was. A wave of relief washed through him that he felt like crashing on the stone slabbed floor. His nose sniffling back the moisture in disbelief. His eyes winking back the tears.
They had been saved. They had been saved. His mind screaming the words elatedly again. His hands smuggling his sister closer. But by who?
The labored words of a knight tore his ears like a reassuring beacon, one that rocked his world.
"Told you... I was right behind you." His mind reeled in disbelief. His eyes widening. His body frozen in place. Then he felt a huge gauntleted palm on his head, patting it gently.
His eyes burned. The moisture he had been trying to hold back pouring out.
"Brave lad..." the labored voice added.
He was alive. The blonde-haired knight... no doubt... he was alive.