[AN: Surprise extra chapter lads, a thanks for those that stuck around. Real quick too, vote below for the new cover art, all generated by my clanker slave.]
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(Now back to the story)
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No matter how many times I saw it I would always think that Olympus was a massive overcompensation flex. Like it was trying too hard to seem grand and extravagant.
I made my way through the streets, ignoring the glances and whispers as Chiron and I made our way to the throne room behind Hermes who looked like he'd have been sweating if he could.
The throne room hadn't changed since the last time I saw it. Big marble, lots of gold, lots of ego. Nothing screamed 'I've got a small dick' than having a ten meter tall throne covered in more gold than a blinged out rapper.
That was exactly the type of monstrosity that was the seat that Zeus called a throne. At least the others had the ability to be creative and style their thrones to reflect their domains.
The Olympians were all on their thrones, in their 'giant' forms. Probably to remind Chiron of how 'small' he was compared to them.
Cute.
I stepped into the throne room, hands in my pockets, sunglasses drooping low. I fought off a scoff when Zeus glared at me as if a man who looked like an overweight grandpa would be in anyway scary.
"Wow," I hummed, "really with the size power play? A little compensatory, don't you think? A King who insists on appearing bigger than he really is must be really insecure about size huh?"
Ares coughed violently, despite his godly healing, still looked a bit crispy. He even had a bronze neck brace and bandages around his chest. Zeus must have done a number on him.
Aphrodite, on the other hand, leaned forward. Her eyes sparkling in a 'seductive' way.
"Oh my…" she purred, "still bold, still dangerous. Care to visit my chambers later?"
"No thanks." I denied without hesitation. "I have a wife who's worth more than a quintillion of you."
Aphrodite frowned as whatever charm she tried to cast on me failed. Hera actually smirked.
'Wonderful… a goddess with millennia's worth of unresolved romance issues and the moral restraint of a raccoon eyeing leftover pizza just tried to seduce me.'
Poseidon cleared his throat loudly, "Lord Satoru… I never got the chance to properly thank you for saving Sally and my son Perseus." His tone was diplomatic, "and also for recently saving the camp from a potentially catastrophic attack."
"Hey no problem," I shrugged, still ignoring Zeus who was glaring at me even harder. "I like the kid, he's like a water logged golden retriever."
My gaze passed over Hades who nodded at me. The god of death was lounging on his obsidian throne with his helm on one of the arms.
Athena's eyes narrowed, "You're much stronger than the last time you were here."
I ignored her too. For a wisdom goddess she was pretty dumb when it came to things not involving warfare.
Hephaestus leaned forward on his throne, his eyes on Amaterasu. "That sword… who was it forged by? No mortal hands could have created that and I don't remember creating such a weapon."
'I think Tetsutaka and Tecchin would be happy to hear Hephaestus say that.'
"Trade secret I'm afraid… the old geezer that forged it for me wouldn't be happy if I told anyone where and how it was forged." I replied while tapping Amaterasu's hilt. "Let's just say, she picked me just as much as I picked her."
Artemis sat stiffly, "A man with such power… is concerning."
"I get that a lot." I hummed while taking out a stick of dango from the sleeve of my haori.
Hera studied me for a second with a calculating gaze, but there was something softer behind it. Like reluctant approval.
"At least he keeps a faithful marriage." She finally muttered. "Unlike some."
Zeus finally looked away from me to pretend like he didn't just get called out by his wife.
Apollo waved at me, "Bro! Can I get your wife's number?"
I narrowed my eyes at him, hand subtly shifting to draw Amaterasu. "No."
He quickly waved his hands. "No! No not like that! That healing thing she did earlier was totally cool. I wanted to know if she could teach me."
"No."
Artemis had said it at the same time as me this time. I turned to the goddess of the hunt and nodded.
'Maybe she isn't such a terrible person.'
Apollo pouted at being denied.
Dionysus avoided eye contact with me. The poor guy still hadn't gotten over the time I scared him with my 'other half'.
Then Zeus finally spoke, only he didn't address me.
[Scene Break]
"Chiron."
Zeus' voice boomed through the throne room. The centaur stiffened next to me, up until now he had escaped everyone's attention for the most part.
"You have been derelict in your duties," Zeus announced, voice still magnified. "Monsters surging into the camp, demigods rebelling, secrets are whispered among the cabins and you have allowed it!"
Chiron bowed his head, "My Lord, with respect… none of this was caused by—
"You harboured traitors to Olympus, traitors that escaped during the attack… perhaps you are one of them." Zeus continued in his holier than thou tone.
The room went silent.
Even Ares stopped picking at his bandages.
I finished my dango before stepping forward, not letting Chiron get a chance to reply.
"Hey Zeus?"
The king of Olympus glared at me from his throne, lighting flicking in his fingertips. I took off my sunglasses and wiped them clean with a corner of my haori before putting them away in my pocket.
"What?" Zeus rumbled.
"Were you," I paused, "perhaps dropped as a child?"
Aphrodite gasped, Apollo choked, Athena almost smiled. Hera actually did smile. Chiron looked like he wanted to sink into the floor.
Zeus rose from his throne. Lighting crackling from his eyes.
"You… insolent… mortal—
"Technically," I cut him off, "I'm not… I don't even know what I am anymore. Not that it matters, we're talking about you… not me." I picked at my ear before flicking imaginary earwax at him.
I produced a bag of marshmallows from behind my back and strode forward without a care in the world. Hestia had a look of quiet amusement on her face as I sat next to her at her hearth cross legged.
I pulled a stick from my sleeve and stabbed a few fluffy marshmallows on it before handing it to Hestia and pulling out another stick.
"How do you do that?" Hestia not so quietly whispered.
"Dunno," I hummed, Zeus looked like a giant purple water balloon now. "I checked my pockets, and there they were. Must be having a sale or something."
I roasted my stick of marshmallows over Hestia's eternal hearth, took it out and took a bite.
"Hmmm, it needs something more. So where was I… oh right, Zeus being a total idiot."
Zeus finally snapped.
His Master Bolt shot into his hand and he threw a cracking spear of lighting right at me, not caring that Hestia was in the way.
It struck…
And stopped mid air, halted by my invisible barrier. I held the stick out and let the crackling lighting roast the marshmallows some more. I took another bite.
"Mmm, that's better." I finished the sticky treat and tossed the stick into the fire.
I grabbed onto the Master Bolt, the lighting danced around me as I tested its weight.
"Huh… you're either pathetically weak or I've gotten stronger."
I saw Athena roll her eyes from the corner of my vision.
Zeus roared, "HOW DARE YOU DEFY—
"Pipe down." I tossed his Master Bolt back to him.
I pointed at him like I was scolding a toddler.
"You think Chiron is a traitor? Seriously? The guy is painfully honourable. Probably the type to apologise to a potted plant for forgetting to water it or go out of his way to return a shopping cart."
Ares raised a hand, "What's a shopping cart?"
"Not now, the adults are talking." I waved him off.
I took out a chicken skewer from my sleeve much to Hestia's continued amusement as she munched away on the marshmallows I had given her earlier.
I pointed the yakitori at Zeus like it was evidence.
"You're seeing rebellion, increased attacks, and your weirdo dad stirring… and instead of thinking, 'hmm maybe dear old dad is making a move,' your first instinct is to blame the guy who's been training demigods all his life?"
The other gods turned to Zeus. Their collective expressions said, 'really?'.
Zeus sputtered, "The Titan Lord has been defeated for more than a millennia. He is not—
"And yet Luke, a son of Hermes was proven to have been influenced and used by said Titan. Seriously… are you sure you didn't suffer some blunt force trauma to the head as a baby?"
A beat.
I finished my chicken kabob and flicked the stick before erasing it with a miniature Hollow Purple.
"Now that we've clearly come to the conclusion that Chiron here isn't a traitor, I've got another matter to bring up."
The Olympians glanced at me, some wary of what I'd say next.
"I'm going to Tartarus."
The shadows in the room wavered. Several Olympians gasped. Aphrodite nearly fainted, Ares forgot his neck brace. Demeter's eyes widened and Hades raised an eyebrow.
Artemis's eyes narrowed. "You intend to descend into The Pit?"
"Yep."
"You cannot!" Athena snapped, "even you, cannot."
"Oh I definitely can. I've got business with Kornus. And unlike you all, I don't wait for problems to grow legs and piss on my lawn."
Zeus jabbed a finger at me. "You presume too much! You hold no authority here!"
I shrugged, "Yet I'm the only one doing anything to save your children."
Athena's jaw tightened.
Hephaestus grumbled.
Poseidon sighed heavily. "He's right."
Ares muttered, "Feels weird agreeing with him."
Hera folded her arms. "It's been… a long time since any of us have dealt with our own affairs."
'Heh… Satoru: 2 Olympians: 0'
I faced the room.
"All those demigods who rebelled? You wanna know why? Because you failed as parents. You birthed them, then left them. Forgotten, vulnerable, hunted. You only sack them when you need something done and you don't want to do it yourself."
Silence.
The kind that hurt.
Even Zeus had no comeback.
I dusted my hands and took out my sunglasses again, then tucked my hands back into my pockets.
"Here's what's going to happen: I'm gonna go find a way to get into Tartar sauce, and keep monsters from eating your kids. Meanwhile, you guys are going to start doing your fucking jobs as parents. Capiche?"
Hesita smiled warmly at me, "You speak boldly."
"Comes naturally."
Zeus' glare could have melted steel beams.
I ignored him.
Again.
Hesita handed me a bucket of popcorn.
I grinned.
She smirked.
Zeus shook with silent fury.
The other Olympians?
They started speaking to each other. Some watched me with growing realisation that I wasn't kidding.
I meant every word I had said.
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Omake: Thanksgiving Feast (With a dash of 4th Wall)
Most people don't get invited into the private kitchen of the Goddess of Hearth and Home.
I didn't. But that didn't mean I didn't invite myself in.
So here I was.
Standing beside Hestia.
Wearing an apron.
Her apron, which was three sizes too small so it looked like one of those aprons that the Hooters staff wear on me.
It said: "Kiss the Cook (but ask first)"
She had offered it to me with the most deadpan look imaginable.
I tied it on proudly.
"Alright," I said, clapping my hands. "My family will arrive in about three hours, so Thanksgiving Feast… where do we start."
Hestia blinked at me. "You're the one who barged into my temple shouting 'IT'S TURKEY TIME BABY.' I assumed you had a plan."
"…I did." I said confidently.
Beat.
"I lied."
Hestia sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Why am I not surprised."
"Because you're the only Olympian who I would call smart… and adorable?" I replied.
Her flames flickered pink for half a second.
I didn't comment.
[Scene Break]
"So," I said, peering over a comically large cooking pot glowing with divine energy. "Do we have a turkey?"
Hestia snapped her fingers.
A massive bird, already plucked, cleaned and disturbingly glowing with holy energy appeared on the prep table.
I whistled, "That's a big bird… do you reckon it could fight Ares and win?"
"It probably can." She replied.
"Nice," I chuckled, "should I stab it now?"
"You… baste it, Satoru."
"Right. Right… totally knew that."
I did know that, but I could have sworn I saw it twitch.
The supposedly prepped turkey twitched again, I reacted instinctively. Cursed Energy coated my hand and I slapped the turkey.
The shockwave knocked over every amphora in the immediate vicinity.
"Satoru."
"Yes Hestia?"
"This is a kitchen."
"Right."
"A kitchen."
"I hear you."
"Not a battlefield."
I see where I went wrong." I hummed.
She exhaled deeply.
"We're going to try this again," she said in the tone of someone teaching a toddler how to tie their shoes. "But this time, try treating the turkey how your wife would treat you."
"With chaotic passion and lots of sexual tension?"
She actually choked.
"NO… Like something precious!"
"Ahh… right, I am precious."
"I'm beginning to question that."
[Scene Break]
After the turkey mishaps Hestia took command.
Which was fair, she was the goddess of domesticity and I was the guy who solved 70% of my problems with violence and the other 30% with random bullshit.
She chopped vegetables with perfect precision. She thought I could do that much without her constant surveillance so she passed the task off to me.
Big mistake.
"RYOIKI TENKAI… FUKUMA MIZUSHI."
I diced the potatoes, and the chopping board, and part of the wall behind it.
Hestia actually smacked the back of my head. I dropped my transformation and domain.
"Satoru…"
"Yes?"
"No more powers in the kitchen."
"Right."
[Scene Break]
I grabbed a mixing bowl. "I can make the mash potatoes at least right?"
"I suppose… just don't forget the butter."
I added the butter.
Then more.
And more.
And more.
Then stopped when the potatoes looked like a lipid singularity.
Hestia poked it with a finger. The potatoes jiggled like a gelatinous god attempting to awaken.
"What did you do?"
"Butter?"
"This is… much butter."
"Thank you."
"That wasn't a compliment."
I glanced at the imaginary camera.
"You guys see this? She's judging me."
Hestia followed my gaze.
"Who are you talking to?"
"The Readers."
"What readers?"
I leaned closer, "The ones watching us like we're in a sitcom."
Hesita, to my utter joy, slowly looked up as if expecting someone to wave or a laugh track.
The silence that followed was comedy gold.
She cleared her throat. "Satoru…"
"Mm?"
"Are you alright in the head?"
[Scene Break]
We finally glanced at our completed feast resting on a table groaning under the weight of all the food.
Turkey, mashed butter, vegetables, pies, dinner rolls, and a strange dish I made that I called 'Satoru's Mystery Surprise™'.
Hestia eyed the last one nervously. "What is that?"
"No clue."
"Did you make it?"
"Yep."
"Do you know how?"
"Nope."
"…You terrify my sometimes, Satoru."
I grinned. "Thanks."
The Mystery Surprise bubbled ominously. Hestia glanced at it warily.
"I think it's sentient."
"Nah, it's just soup."
"Satoru… I can see several ingredients in here that should never be mixed together and it's glowing in colours that mortals haven't even invented yet."
"It'll be fine, come on. My wife and kids will be here soon. They're going to love the feast we made."
She glanced at me with a raised brow.
"The feast you made, and I helped with?"
"Better."
[Scene Break]
Mitsuri walked in with our kids moments later. Hestia looked up, still looking for an unseen audience.
"It's smells amazing Darling." Mitsuri kissed my cheek.
"Thanks love, Hestia did all the work. I only helped a little… I did make this though."
I dramatically took off the lid to the Mystery Surprise.
"Tada! I call it, 'Satoru's Mystery Surprise™'. What do you think?"
Ai, Akira, and the twins all glanced at the softly glowing pot of soup.
Akira pointed. "Dad, why is the soup humming?"
"It's thankful to be eaten." I replied.
Hestia sighed in the background where she stood next to a smiling Mitsuri.
We gathered around the table, Hikari the sole inheritor to my eyes so far, bravely ladled herself a bowl. The soup shimmered like a rainbow in a blender.
She took a spoonful.
The room froze.
Her pupils dilated.
Then she brightened. "Otousan! This is mysteriously and surprisingly delicious!"
Ai immediately got herself a bowl too. "Papa! This is better than peanuts!"
Akira practically dunked his head into his bowl. "How is it so good dad?"
Himari cautiously sipped a spoonful, "This… isn't bad."
Mitsuri was already on her second bowl, she happily munched away on a turkey leg while sipping from the bowl. "Darling, this is wonderful!"
"See?" I turned to Hestia who looked shocked and confused, "I'm a culinary genius."
She finally tried it. She suppressed a groan.
"This shouldn't be edible."
"But it is! It's so good Auntie Hestia!" Ai cheered.
"And it's surprisingly rich." Hikari said.
"And it's delicious." Akira added.
Himari just nodded.
Mitsuri gave me a radiant smile. "You two did great love."
I puffed my chest, "Of course, I am the best chef."
Hestia looked at me with doubt.
A cacophony of laughter echoed from somewhere. Hestia jumped from her seat and looked up at the ceiling.
"What was that?"
"Laugh track."
"Huh?"
End Omake