It seems I really do enjoy spending time with Toka-nee… I like being with her…"
The words on the diary page suddenly shifted.
Not in content—each day and each person's experiences were naturally different—but in something deeper.
Through the writing, Kotoriya Toka saw the essence beneath the words. She could clearly feel that Minamoto Senya's state of mind had changed during this period.
For some reason, a subtle sense of danger crept up on her, making her hesitate to turn to the next page. She felt almost afraid of what she might see.
Her mind drifted back to the time when she had sprained her ankle and Senya had stayed by her side.
She had been deeply touched by how much care he had shown her and sincerely grateful for his help.
It was at that time that she had truly accepted him in her heart—and along with him, accepted his father, Minamoto Genzou.
But beyond that, any other feelings… at least the strange emotions she was harboring right now… had not yet surfaced back then.
"The 'like' Senya is talking about… is it really the kind of 'like' I think it is?"
Her fingers unconsciously tightened around the diary.
Toka recalled a film she had once seen. It was also a story sparked by a diary.
In the film, a woman discovered her boyfriend's financial crimes through his journal. At first she felt terrified, but later she too was drawn in by greed and ended up meeting a tragic end.
Of course, Senya couldn't possibly be a criminal. But at this moment, holding his diary, Toka felt as if she were holding Pandora's box.
She had the distinct sense that if she kept reading, she would learn some earth-shattering secret.
And once she knew—no matter how much she had denied it before, no matter how much she tried to deceive herself—she would never be able to go back to the time before she opened this diary.
Her relationship with Senya, at least her way of looking at him, her mindset toward him, would inevitably change in ways she couldn't predict.
"Is this really what I want?"
But at the very least, if she could stop right now, before the omen fully unfolded…
As the minutes passed, Toka's mind became a battlefield between two voices. The pressure mounted.
Finally, she took a deep breath, steadied her racing heart, and gathered her courage. She turned to the next page.
She wanted to know more about Senya—his thoughts, his inner world, his everything…
The moment she had stepped back into his room and picked up this diary, she had already crossed a line she couldn't uncross.
The following entries were different.
No longer the occasional reflections or sporadic notes he'd written only when he had something specific to confide or record.
Now, the entries appeared daily, recorded with the rigorous detail of a laboratory experiment exporting its data.
And almost everything he wrote about… was her.
[May 3rd]
It's the fifth day since Toka-nee sprained her ankle.
Honestly, as long as she walks normally and doesn't rush, you can hardly tell she's injured at all anymore.
This morning she woke up early on purpose to go buy fresh vegetables and fruit at the supermarket. She insisted she'd recovered enough to go alone and declined my offer to come along, but I still tagged along because I couldn't relax otherwise.
In the store, she calmly picked items from the shelves while I pushed the cart beside her.
Deep down, I knew the "I'm worried" excuse was just that—an excuse.
The truth is, I simply like it. I enjoy being with Toka-nee. That's why I insisted on going out with her.
She's not like the other girls around me. I don't even know how to put it into words.
But somehow, being with her feels comfortable, relaxing… and at the same time it makes me quietly happy in a way I can't explain.
It's strange. I don't think I've ever felt this way about anyone before.
Not even about Dad.
Maybe a little bit with Yukino… but never as strongly as with Toka-nee.
It's weird.
[May 4th]
Today I asked Yukino what she thought about her older sister Haruno.
Because I brought up her sister several times, she suddenly gave me a very wary look.
She didn't answer me. Instead, she bombarded me with a bunch of questions. I really don't get what's going through her head.
I realized I couldn't get any conclusions out of her, so I went and asked a few classmates about their sisters.
They teased me, calling me a "sis-con for older women."
A bunch of childish brats. All I did was ask a simple question—why jump to conclusions like that? Unbelievable.
Forget it. I'll figure this out myself.
[May 5th]
Today I made a special trip to the library and borrowed two books.
One is The Self and the Unconscious.
The other is A Report on Adolescent Psychology.
I read the introductions of both. They should help me with my questions.
[May 6th]
Toka-nee's ankle is completely healed now. She's bouncing around again.
This also means I don't have to walk her to and from school anymore, and I don't have to insist on accompanying her to the supermarket.
I don't want to admit it, and I didn't show it outwardly, but honestly, I feel kind of down.
I read halfway through A Report on Adolescent Psychology last night. One section caught my attention—
The Oedipus Complex.
It's a term from psychoanalysis, originating from the Greek myth where Oedipus unknowingly kills his father and marries his mother.
Of course, I've never had any memories of my biological mother.
Even now, lots of people have shown me sympathy or pity because I don't have a mom.
But honestly, it doesn't bother me. I don't actually feel anything about it. I'm not sad about it at all.
Still, just because I'm unaware of something doesn't mean it isn't there.
The book says that in early childhood, almost all boys develop a special emotional dependence on their mothers. This attachment is unconscious, immature—a need for closeness, care, and a sense of safety.
So according to this, could my feelings for Toka-nee be explained this way?
Since as far back as I can remember there's been no "mother" figure in my life, that need for care and closeness had nowhere to go and was suppressed inside me.
And now, with Toka-nee's presence—especially compared to Aunt Junko, she's been around me much more—
Could that be why all those suppressed feelings suddenly transferred to someone like her? (circled)
And because they've been pent up for so many years, my feelings for Toka-nee have grown this strong, this fast.
Could that be it?
May 7
Aunt Runzi came back and brought gifts for each of us.
Touka-oneechan's gift was two sets of underwear.
I happened to be in the living room when she received them. Touka-oneechan seemed to be in a cheerful mood, laughing as she said something like, "It's just that my underwear's been feeling a bit tight lately."
Then she even held the underwear up to her chest as if to demonstrate.
If possible, I really wish she'd be a little more aware of my existence.
After all—I'm a guy.
But to her, I must look like nothing more than a little grade-schooler, so she doesn't see any need to be cautious around me.
For the first time today, I suddenly wished I had been born a few years earlier.
May 8
I…
No, it's fine. There's nothing wrong with writing this. The whole point of keeping a diary is to record my true thoughts.
At first, I only started writing to relieve some of the pressure inside me. I thought I'd give up after a few days, but I've kept at it.
Turns out, writing a diary really does help me.
Last night… I had a wet dream.
It felt so incredible that I had to record it here.
Even though it happened while I was unconscious, I could still recall the sensation afterward.
My whole body shuddered, like a faint current passed through my head. For a fleeting instant, there was a wave of comfort—and then I woke up completely.
If my future self ever reads this, don't be pleased. This is nothing more than a normal physiological response.
The real point is… the person in that dream wasn't some glamorous actress, or even the girl I imagine I might marry someday.
It was Touka-oneechan.
I don't even know why I dreamed about her. In the dream, she was wearing the new underwear she had been pressing to her chest just last night… and she was doing that with me.
But before it got that far, I woke up.
I secretly washed my underwear in the bathroom in the middle of the night. Nobody should have noticed.
Touka-oneechan…
Touka Kotori…
Why did it have to be her? I really don't understand…
Juuka's breath caught sharply as she lifted her eyes from the diary.
One hand pressed against her chest, her gaze unfocused as she stared out the window. Her cheeks burned—not with anger, but with embarrassment.
She never imagined Minamoto Senya would write about himself in such detail.
Even… even describing the very sensations he felt back then.
And… he dreamed of her that early? Still in his underwear, no less…
To think he was… to think he was doing that while thinking of her!
"Mmmm…"
On the balcony outside, a dark-feathered familiar rested in the breeze. At that moment, it turned its head to glance at Touka, who was now covering her face, rolling onto the bed, and curling up in shame. Its black eyes flickered with confusion.
Humans really were strange—always doing inexplicable things.
After tossing back and forth on the bed a few times, Touka finally slapped her flushed cheeks, sat upright, and forced herself to calm down.
Only then did she notice another detail in his writing.
"…Imagine that maybe I'll marry her in the future."
Senya had written that.
He was shameless enough to detail his embarrassment elsewhere, but here… here, he had deliberately hidden the girl's name.
Who could it have been?
It wasn't hard to guess.
Back before Minamoto Senya entered middle school, he hadn't yet become as well-known as he is now. He wasn't doing kendo, learning piano, or writing novels yet. At best, he was just a bright student with a simple social circle.
From what Touka remembered, the only close female friends he had back then were Yukinoshita Yukino and Sawamura Eriri.
So if nothing unexpected happened, it had to be one of them.
Her expression shifted ever so slightly—lips pressed tight, brows furrowed.
Still, she turned the page and kept reading.
May 12
Today I went to cheer for Touka-oneechan at her preliminaries.
I always knew she practiced rhythmic gymnastics, but this was the first time I'd actually seen her perform.
I was stunned. In her leotard, moving so gracefully, she was like an elegant white swan.
The other gymnasts looked plain and dull beside her brilliance.
A dignified, beautiful face. A healthy, well-proportioned figure.
Touka-oneechan… you really are beautiful.
June 3
Touka-oneechan has been preparing for her competition lately, so she's been coming home very late.
I used the excuse of "staying at the school library after club activities" just so I could wait for her at her school and walk home together.
After training, she carries this strange fragrance with her.
She usually smells nice, but maybe because of the heat of exercise, her scent becomes even more noticeable.
Normally, I hate packed trains. But when I'm with Touka-oneechan, I actually enjoy them.
Because with no choice in the matter, my whole body ends up pressed against hers.
And when the train sways, I can steady her under the excuse of helping—while actually holding her close.
When we got home, Liuka wrinkled her nose and told Touka-oneechan to shower right away, complaining about her sweaty smell.
Sweaty smell?
I was shocked to hear that. Calmly, I leaned in closer to confirm.
It smelled… amazing. What was so bad about it?
Seeing that, Touka pulled her own collar up in shame and sniffed herself.
To think… at such a young age, Senya was already paying such close attention to her every detail…
June 27
Tonight when I went to the bathroom, I saw Touka-oneechan's rhythmic gymnastics leotard that she had left unwashed.
For a moment, some really indecent thoughts crossed my mind.
Fortunately, reason won out, and I restrained myself…
Touka almost leapt out of her seat.
Wait a second! Senya—what were you planning to do with my sweaty clothes!?
You're supposed to be a clean freak!!
August 11
Touka-oneechan won first place in the individual rhythmic gymnastics club championship, and runner-up in the individual ball routine at the national finals.
I was so happy for her. I even downloaded the broadcast and kept a copy.
Her performance was breathtaking.
But… just the thought of others watching her like that filled me with a sense of displeasure.
October 7
My relationship with Touka-oneechan is getting better and better. She's lowered her guard around me a lot.
She often asks me to help stretch her legs or back. Naturally, that means physical contact.
From time to time, I "accidentally" brush my arm against her body.
I don't know whether she doesn't notice, or notices but doesn't care. Either way, she never pushes me away.
I feel so despicable…
And she appears more and more in my dreams.
Last night, as usual, I woke trembling and had to sneak to the bathroom again…
November 3
I've read nine psychology books now.
Along with my own journey these past months, I can finally be sure: my feelings toward Touka aren't some temporary attachment caused by lack of affection.
This involuntary yearning, this subconscious concern, this inexplicable possessiveness…
What I feel for Touka is a simple but undeniable emotion called "love."
Not as family.
But as a man toward a woman.
I like Touka Takanashi.
By this point, "Touka-oneechan" had simply become her name.
Reading that far, Touka Takanashi could no longer deny it. She had nowhere left to retreat.
"…Senya?"
In the Busujima family's tea room.
Saeko's gentle voice pulled Minamoto Senya back to reality.
"What's the matter? You've been spacing out all day."
"Ah—sorry. I was just thinking about something."
Senya smiled faintly and finished his tea.
"…Delicious. May I have another?