"Still, I am not sure what to do with the stocks I amassed from my job. They gave me certain stock options and I haven't touched them in years. It's kind of fun to see how much the stocks grows over the time of my immortality..."
"Carlisle, are you still talking? Edward left DAYS AGO!" Rosealie shouts.
Carlisle suddenly snaps out of his daydreams about his money and looks around seeing his children all sitting around, doing nothing as usual.
"Yes," He says, pulling out a pipe to smoke on it. "He went and got himself a Job, did he? Excellent! Now what about the rest of you?"
"What about the rest of us, what, dear?" Esme challenged.
"Why don't you ALL get JOBS?"
"Eww!" Alice shouted. "We can't get jobs, we're still in high school!"
Calisle sighs. "But you've been in high school for over 50 years. We move around to different high schools to buy you guys time. Before the internet, this was fine, but now people are starting to notice and talk! You need to stop clinging to your youth and get a job already!"
"How cruel! Making our poor innocent children go out and work!" Esme cries out, broken-hearted. Dabbing her eyes with a napkin. "What have they done to you to deserve this cruelty?"
"You can get a job too, my darling Esme." Carlisle explain. "I know you were born in a different time, but modern women take pride in working and contributing financially to the household."
"What is he talking about?" Esme says through her tears.
"I think he's speaking Indonesian again," Rosalie growls, eyeballing Carlisle like he's trash.
"Can I get a job where I play with puppies?" Alice says excitedly, jumping up and down like a child. Then she gets a psychic vision about her working at an animal shelter, playing with puppies, and her smile grows wider. But then she sees herself being forced to put the puppies to sleep because it's not a 'no kill' shelter, and she becomes dispondent for the rest of the day.
"LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ALICE!" Rosalie screams. "YOU MONSTER!"
Carlisle looks at his last hope, his two remaining lads. "You two will get a job, won't you?"
"Heck no!" Emmet shouts. "Why should I work like a mortal?"
"Anyway, out of all of us, Emmet actually needs to stay in high school," Rosalie says. "He's flunked every class all 50 years we've been going!"
"The stupid tests are hard! Freaking mortals and their Jigganometry or whatever the fuck!" Emmet shouts.
"All the living chicks in class stink. They be all breathing and shit. It's distracting!"
Suddenly, Edward enters the home looking exhausted. In his hand, he's carrying a bag full of food from the restaurant.
"There's my boy!" Carlisle says, greeting the only member of his family he realises won't be mooching off him for all eternity.
Edward handed him a weak and pained smile as he started making his way up the stairs to Bella.
In the bedroom, Bella rolls off the bed and runs to him to greet him, wrapping her arms around him in a big hug.
"There's my working man!" Bella says kissing Edward.
"I got you some food," Edward says, handing Bella the HAM-Burgers bag.
As she dug into it Edward crashes on the bed completely exhausted. He lays on his back looking up at the ceiling.
"Wow! These are delicious!" Bella says, biting into a juicy burger.
Edward is just silent for a moment as he looks up into the nothingness of the ceiling.
"Bella, you will love and support me no matter what, right?"
"Of course I will, my love! We're a team! We're about to be parents together, and we'll spend the rest of our lives supporting each other!"
She takes a seat next to him on the bed. "Just look at what you did for us! Going out and getting a job! This proves to me that you are a good man, willing to do whatever it takes to support your family! And I will support you 100%!"
Edward smiles, happy to hear that. He seems somewhat relieved.
"Bella, I have to confess that I quit my Job."
"WHAT?! Edward, how could you! I don't want to live off of Carlisle forever. We have to make our own money!"
Edward closes his eyes. "Don't worry about money. We never have to worry about money again, and we don't have to live off of Carlisle."
Bella's face scrunches in confusion. "Then how are we going to get money for the baby?"
"We have plenty of money. I am now co-owner of a successful milk farm."
As Bella's face twisted in complete disbelief that heavy, hard stomping is hard.
"A MILK FARM? What in the hell are you talking about, Edward?"
The stomping sound grows louder, and the house starts to shake.
"What the hell is that?" Bella screams.
"Sweetheart, remember when you said you'd support me no matter what? That we're a team?"
In a panic, Bella looks down at Edward. "What are you saying?"
"I was sexually abused by a giant cow man. To deal with the humiliation, I got him to marry me. Since I'm also married to you, I told him he had to take my pregnant wife as a package deal. He agreed. We are now all married and co-owners of his milk farm."
Bella falls silent and looks down at Edward in disbelief. A huge crashing sound is heard downstairs, followed by the sounds of Carlisle and the other Cullen-Hales screaming.
Bella clutches Edward in tears. "Is that...your husband?"
"Our husband," Edward corrects with a demented smile.
Bella starts to cry harder as she hears the beast stomp its way up the stairs.
"I just had a little vampire fetish! Vampires are sexy, romantic, and dashing! It was a harmless little fantasy! How the hell am I now married to a fucking MINATOUR!?"
"Don't worry, Bella, I'll figure out a way to rescue us," Edward says with a sigh.
"But in the meantime, we have a milk farm. And all the hamburgers you can eat!"
Bella goes silent again, just staring down at Edward, who is smiling somewhat deliriously. And the last sound heard is the sound of the door shattering under the power of their new bovine visitor, along with Bella's ear-piercing scream.
The End.