CHAPTER -1-
Until death do us part.
DEVA
Life was a huge labyrinth filled with games. Every turn, every fork in the road opened up brand new doors. Every person enslaved by their desires was tested by their loved ones, while those who enslaved their desires tried to make others their puppets.
In short, the world was a vast playground, and we mortals were puppets of our desires.
I held a deep breath in my lungs and shook my head negatively to free myself from my thoughts. When my thoughts turned into dust particles and left my brain, the scene before my eyes became clearer. As my senses came back to me one by one, releasing intense adrenaline into my veins, I involuntarily took a step back. The redness invading my fingertips slowly dripped onto the wet, cold floor, and my breath had turned into a huge cannonball in my throat. I could almost smell the blood and soot. Where was I? Who were the dark faces around me? What was the blood on my hands? I was aware of the fresh blood clinging to my legs slowly trickling down to the floor. My surroundings were literally a pool of blood, perfectly matching the crimson dress I was wearing. It was as if I had been trapped in a painting by a master artist.
As the panic attack took hold of my body, I squeezed my eyes shut, but the scene wouldn't leave my mind's eye. The smell of blood, the shadows forming circles around me, quickly closing in, a shrill scream, then darkness. The same scene kept popping up from the darkest corners of my mind, hunting me down.
When I opened my eyes in fear, it took me a few seconds to realize where I was. I was at home, in my safe space, where no one could find me or hunt me down. The only light illuminating the dark bedroom was the reflection of a street lamp shining through the window. As my body slowly calmed down, I gently released my hands, which I had clenched tightly around my throat to quell my panic. Realizing that my fingers had left red marks on my throat, I closed my eyes, feeling the agonizing pain that had taken hold of my body slowly fade away. I couldn't let my fear take over.
I waited for the ringing in my ears to pass, but the pounding of my heart was deafening. A force that tried to take away the trembling and fear that had taken over my entire body took me in its arms.
My breath caught in my throat. The nightmare's effect slowly receded into the darkest corners of my mind like a mist. It took me a few seconds to accept Harun's presence. My husband was beside me, murmuring soothing words into my ear to calm me down, but it took me a few minutes to calm down enough to comprehend his tranquil words. The same nightmare had been haunting me for years. Guns, smoke, blood, and screams. It was as if death was hunting me, finding it fun to torment me with the same nightmares for years. It was like a cat playing with a mouse caught in its claws, just to pass the time.
"Everything is fine, we're home, we're safe." My husband's words sowed seeds of peace within me every second, and I let myself fall into his arms, trying to calm down. During the time we spent embracing each other, I had completely surrendered myself to him. The caress of his hand in my hair and the kisses he left on my neck were utterly intoxicating. When his fingertips grasped my chin and lifted it slightly, I couldn't hold back the sudden tears that welled up in my eyes, forced to look into his coffee-colored eyes.
"Shhh... it's okay, it was just a nightmare." Amidst his consolations, he kissed my tears and stroked my back with one hand. When I hugged him tightly, feeling a little more relaxed, I buried my face in his shoulder. These nightmares had become a part of my life now, and I guess they had no intention of going away. As I breathed in Harun's scent, all I wanted was for these nightmares to finally end.
"It never ends," I managed to say in a raspy voice. These nightmares were like an endless cycle. Every night they imprisoned me, tightening their chains around my throat to keep me captive...
As the arms holding me gradually lost their weight, I surrendered to the powerful intensity of sleep.
◇
The next morning, while preparing breakfast, the calendar on the kitchen wall caught my attention. More precisely, I looked at the day marked with a red chalk heart on the calendar. Today was October 18th. Harun's birthday. My husband was turning 30.
We had been married for four years and celebrated each other's birthdays alone every year. Actually, it was Harun who suggested this idea, and I was sure that the reason he wanted to celebrate our birthdays alone was so as not to make me feel bad. Four years ago, on a day when we celebrated his birthday with his family and friends, I think he misinterpreted the sadness he saw in my eyes and said he wanted us to celebrate our birthdays alone from then on. "Your family is mine," he said. I knew that, I had known it since the day I met him. Having spent years in an orphanage, under the care of different families, he inevitably lived with a knot in his heart, insecurity, and fear of abandonment. It took me a long time to get used to this. The fear of abandonment inside me, always struggling with the question "what if," was both exhausting and devastating. It took us quite some time to accept that we were a "family" and overcome those dangerous thoughts.
When Harun entered the kitchen, I placed the plates I had arranged on the shelf onto the counter and wiped my hands on my apron before turning to him. With an innocent smile on his face, he came toward me, hugged me tightly, and planted a small kiss on my forehead.
"Good morning," he murmured in my ear, and I locked my gaze on his eyes and said good morning, melting in his warm gaze. He intertwined our fingers and brought them to his lips. "Happy birthday, my love," he whispered, planting a tiny kiss on my lips, then wouldn't let me pull away. We pressed our foreheads together. "May we have more beautiful birthdays, my darling." As his words and warmth enveloped me, I rested my head on his shoulder.
"Maybe..." maybe next year around this time, a little one would be joining us. When a thoughtful murmur escaped my lips, my gaze inevitably drifted to the kitchen floor.
"Maybe...?" Realizing I had voiced part of my thought, I pulled my head back and managed to lock our gazes. As embarrassment crept onto my cheeks, I averted my eyes and spoke in a low voice. "Maybe next year... maybe we'll celebrate not as two people, but as three." As the weight of my words pressed on my heart, I tried to hold back the tears welling up in my eyes. I wanted to expand our little nest with Harun and fill this quiet house with a little baby... maybe two... maybe three. I had already gathered enough love and attention in my heart for all of them.
"Then we need to start working on it right away." He smiled and brought his face closer to mine. My heart was racing with excitement, and I involuntarily let myself fall into his arms.
"Really?"
"I'm the one who should be surprised. We've been holding back for a long time, but if you're ready, I'm ready too."
The joy in my voice echoed throughout the kitchen.
"I'm very ready, I'm always ready!"
"If you want, we can do it right now." I couldn't help but laugh at the seriousness I sensed in his playful tone, and as we both laughed, we began to sway involuntarily where we stood. "So, are we really doing this?" Normally, I would have thought carefully before answering his question, but without thinking, I nodded my head and said, "Yes!" along with my unstoppable laughter.
Our marriage was based on our loyalty and love for each other. On the day I first started university, I couldn't have known that I would find my way with him.
My greatest fortune in this life was to be loved and respected by him.
As soon as I left Harun's safe arms, I ignored the coldness that enveloped my body when the phone melody interrupted our happy moment.
He made a one-minute gesture with his index finger and took his phone out of his coat's inside pocket. I watched his eyebrows slightly furrow as he answered, then he left the kitchen without saying a word. Whoever was calling was probably from work, so I didn't think much of it and continued preparing for the evening.
A few minutes later, the front door slammed shut, and I realized they had called Harun in to work even on his day off.