They brought Lucian inside his tent, where Togo within the cage went crazy upon witnessing his state.
Laying Lucian down, Rolan and Fishbone turned toward Jax, as if he should have taken responsibility for Lucian's safety.
"What?!" Jax yelled.
"You always talk back to him! Why didn't you talk back to him this time?!" Roland yelled back.
"I'm not his nanny!"
"Then start acting like one! You should have at least noticed that he was overdoing it!" Roland continued to blame him.
"Who are you calling a nanny?!"
"YOU!"
Jax's veins were popping out on his forehead in rage, "I dare you to repeat that."
"Get the fuck out of my face before I make you!"
"Shut up, both of you!" Fishbone checked Lucian's pulse and breathing. "Why do you always argue at the worst times?"
"I'm not arguing!" They both shouted in unison.
Togo kept crashing itself against the bars, trying to get out.
"Calm down, you are making it worse!" Jax had to put a blanket over the cage to quieten Togo down.
Lucian slapped away the hand that was checking his pupils' dilation and sat upright, startling them.
He quickly removed the cloth that was covering the cage, letting the bird out. He brought it to his chest and hugged it tightly.
"I'm fine, I'm fine," he spoke in a soothing voice, trying to calm Togo, "It's alright, don't worry."
Togo tried to flee out of the tent, but he didn't let it. It eventually settled down after realizing it was not going to get out of Lucian's grip anytime soon.
The men raised their hands in defense and backed away from Lucian.
"Boss... Are you alright?" Roland asked hesitantly.
"Are you in pain anywhere? Should we call for a physician?" Fishbone added.
"No."
"Should we get some water or food?"
"Yes."
"Can we do anything for you?"
"No."
They immediately scattered, patting their hearts in relief.
Showing weakness in front of his people proved to be a bad thing. From doubting his health condition, to doubting his ability to lead, to doubting him in general.
'Is this how Celine feels when I show my weakness?'
Lucian didn't know how to describe the feeling of being trapped inside a feral's mind.
The time seemed to drag on forever, but it was only a few minutes in reality. He was in a rush, the beast felt it, and tried to use it to his advantage.
The time pressure was getting to Lucian, making it hard for him to stay patient.
He tried to rest, but his heart wouldn't slow down, his thoughts wouldn't settle, and his emotions were in turmoil.
He was forced to choose between Celine and building the army as of late.
The more time he gave her to overthink and analyze their situation, the more he was losing her. And the more he didn't want to lose her, the more it got into his head, and the less he was able to focus on his work.
He felt it in his bones that she was going to punish him from breaking the promise, just like she punished Edmund for breaking his promises.
He had to go back and show his devotion to Celine, to prove to her that he loved her more than any business or plan.
'No.' Lucian placed Togo back inside its cage, 'I'll send a message to her. There's too much to do here and I can't go back yet. That's right, that's the best option. She is safe with the Rochefort army. I don't have to worry about her. Just a bit more, and I can return to her.'
His death wish let him meet Celine in the first place, being selfish enough to want more was ungrateful on his part.
'You know what happens when you listen to the heart and ignore the head. Mistakes happen. You lose your grip. Everything becomes harder. Don't make mistakes. There's too much to lose.'
Jax brought him two buckets of water and a basket of roasted meat.
Lucian washed his face, noticing he was chewing the inside of his cheek in irritation.
He stared at himself through his third eye and pulled at the corners of his lips, stretching them to the sides.
'You are her sunshine in the darkest hour,' he repeated to himself, 'Her sunshine, not a rainy sky. You are her hope of a better tomorrow.'
There were times he wanted to tell her the truth, to break down in her arms and reveal every little secret he carried.
She was smart, they could find a solution together, right? She would understand, he knew she would.
They would have been an unbreakable couple that was in love and worked in tandem to achieve their goals.
Which gave Lucian more reasons not to tell her.
Being content and happy meant a wish fulfilled. A wish fulfilled meant a deal ended. A deal ended meant his death. Worse. It meant someone else would take over his identity.
Lucian swallowed his fears like a bitter pill.
'Stop. Thinking. About. It. Just. Stop.'
Wiping his face with a clean cloth, he grabbed the roasted meat and bit into it.
His stomach was tight, like a rock, and the food felt like sandpaper scraping his throat as he forced it down.
"Ugh!" he choked, and grabbed the bucket, vomiting inside.
Togo became agitated again, hitting its body against the bars.
Lucian put the bucket down, and then sat on the floor, leaning back against the cage, "I'm alright, I'm alright..." he said, more to himself than Togo, "I'm alright..."
It was so ridiculous, so hilarious.
So sad and heartbreaking.
He was supposed to be dead by now, and he was still trying to hold onto life.
'Do I not deserve to be happy?' he asked the Gods, 'Is it selfish to want to live?'
'Is that why You won't let me have peace?'
'Because I'm not allowed to be happy?'
'Because I shouldn't be alive?'