The music, which usually flowed naturally as an extension of his soul, today felt like a foreign language to Jaemin. He missed cues, his directions muddled, and the baton felt clumsy in his hand.
As the hours went by, he got more and more frustrated, distracted by the mental replays of the articles' contents, the inner voice mimicking his father's accusations, and the phantom scent of something cold and bitter, lingering on the edges of his senses… a scent that felt like the lurking presence of Choi Seungcheol.
He didn't notice the worried glances the other orchestra members exchanged as he blundered his way through the rehearsal, silently encouraging one another to be understanding, to support him in whatever way possible. When he snapped at Kim Seojun for a minor misstep, the usually jovial oboist just nodded without a word before trying again.
When they finally surrendered to a break, Jaemin made his way to their usual spot outside the rehearsal hall, taking a deep breath of the fresh, clean air. He had gotten so used to Do-hyun following one step behind that he had already opened his mouth to address him before he realised that he was alone.
He stopped short, confused. When a few more empty moments passed, a tendril of dread crept up inside him. But before it could properly take root, a second later, the door to the rehearsal hall opened, and Do-hyun emerged.
"Do-hyun." Jaemin couldn't keep the relief from his voice.
"Are you alright?" Do-hyun asked, his voice low and direct.
Jaemin's reply came too quickly. "I'm fine."
Do-hyun paused, his dark eyes scanning him. "You're off your rhythm today, Conductor-nim." His expression was calm, but the usual warmth was absent, and his scent of cedar, usually so comforting, seemed cool and distant. "You can't let them get to you like this. You're the head of this orchestra now. They all look to you. If you're shaken, they will be too."
"I know… I'm sorry." He hesitated a beat before the words tumbled out of him. "I'm sorry about last night too. My family... What my father said to you... it was uncalled for. He's not always like that, but I'm sorry for what he said, Do-hyun."
Do-hyun just looked at him, his intense gaze unwavering. "You don't need to apologize for your family, Conductor-nim." His voice was quiet, but held an edge that made the tendril of anxiety rear up in Jaemin's chest again. "You're not required to explain to me."
"But… I need to. Explain to you," Jaemin insisted, taking a step closer. The air between them was tight, unyielding. He could feel the familiar pull of Do-hyun's presence, but there was a wall there now, a quiet, solid distance that he couldn't seem to break through. He felt a desperate need to say the right words, to fix the tension. "I just... I was just caught off guard. I—"
"You don't have to apologize. They're your family, it's your choice what you tell them and when." Do-hyun's voice was devoid of emotion now, a flat, even tone that chilled Jaemin to the bone.
"That's… not what I'm apologizing for," Jaemin said, his voice lowering as he noticed the hurt in Do-hyun's eyes, a quiet hurt that was far worse than the coldness in his voice. "Something else is wrong, isn't it? Something that I did."
Do-hyun didn't respond, and the silence stretched between them, thick and suffocating. The space between them widened further as he took a step back.
"Please, Do-hyun," Jaemin pleaded. "Please tell me. What did I do?"
Do-hyun's gaze finally dropped to the floor between them, a small, pained gesture. "I'm not that angry about what your father said. I was just reacting to the change in your pheromones when he said it. It's what you didn't say."
Jaemin's heart pounded. He felt the words coming before Do-hyun even said them, a sudden, sickening clarity.
"I was with you, every day for weeks, but last night I was… a stranger." Do-hyun's words made Jaemin's stomach twist. "When they asked who I was, it was like you were ashamed to be seen with me."
Jaemin shook his head immediately. "No! Do-hyun, that's not it. That's not it at all." He took a step forward, trying to close the space between them. "This isn't about you, this is about… it's about my past. With my family, with Choi Seungcheol… I was afraid that if they found out about you, they would think that I was doing it all over again."
"Doing what all over again?" Do-hyun asked, his tone deceptively light. "Using an alpha for convenience?"
The words, under the guise of a joke, failed to fully hide the pain behind them. Jaemin stared at Do-hyun, at a loss for words. "Wha… what…?"
Eyes searching Do-hyun's, he suddenly recalled the conversation they'd had, just before Do-hyun had finally let his guard down and surrendered to his rut in Jaemin's presence.
'Is it just because I was there? Because I'm the only one who knows your secret?'
'If it wasn't me here… would any other alpha do?'
Remembering the vulnerability that had been in Do-hyun's eyes in that moment, and then seeing it again now, shifting restlessly under the layers of cool distance and humourless jokes, Jaemin felt his throat tighten. "Do-hyun… N-no, you're not…"
You're not… what? His voice trailed off and he was at a loss. You're not like Choi Seungcheol? You're not just a pawn of convenience? You're not being used? Jaemin swallowed, unable to find the words that would make this misunderstanding go away.
Because he still remembered what he had said to reassure Do-hyun back then: that it was only ever Do-hyun for him. But when the moment had come for them to face Jaemin's family, his parents, Jaemin had been all too eager to push Do-hyun away. Although that hadn't been his intention, he now saw exactly how this all seemed to the alpha.
By hiding Do-hyun from his family, he had unwittingly confirmed Do-hyun's fears.
As the silence lengthened, Do-hyun's expression shifted, the mask of a smile slowly giving way to something like quiet resignation. He took another step back, the gulf between them widening. The scent of cedar grew even more distant.
"You keep so many secrets, Conductor-nim," he murmured. "I guess I just never expected to become one of them."
"Do-hyun," Jaemin croaked. "Do-hyun, wait—"
But Do-hyun simply shook his head, turned, and walked away.