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The voice just fell. Hermione's command, clean and sharp, was the only thing capable of cutting through the roar of the massive, incoming Chitauri invasion force.
On the ground, the great, green mountain of kohlrabi erupted into violent motion. They didn't simply move; they leaped. Tearing themselves free from the asphalt, the sentient plants, now revealed to be monstrous, mobile jaws, shot into the sky.
The crisp chewing sound was immediate, deafening, and sickeningly final.
Every kohlrabi, every Biting Cabbage, was a living, single-minded weapon. Their razor-sharp, serrated leaves tore effortlessly through the Chitauri's organic chitin armor. A geyser of blackish-green alien blood rained down over the battlefield. Soldiers that had been screaming in rage were now screaming in pure, paralyzed terror, their bodies being systematically deconstructed in seconds.
The terrifying sound was the ultimate deterrent. The Chitauri, who fought like locusts, had met a predator that consumed them faster than they could swarm.
The Leviathans, the massive, armored whale-monsters, became the next targets. Dozens of the Biting Kale plants swarmed the giant beast, their jaws latching onto the thick plates of its armored hide. The armor, which had shrugged off Tony's repulsor blasts, was torn away by the organic, acidic teeth of the magical flora. The plants didn't stop at the armor; they burrowed inward, consuming the beast from within. One by one, the colossal Leviathans fell like massive, flaming meteorites, hitting the streets with world-shaking thuds.
The Avengers, Ground Level.
The superheroes were collectively petrified. They were watching a horror movie directed by a gardener.
"Is this… is this actually happening?" Steve Rogers whispered, his grip on his shield sweaty. The scene defied all the physics, all the ethics, all the sanity he had ever known. He felt a deep, existential dread that he would never, ever be able to look at a salad bar again.
Tony Stark, whose armor was currently running diagnostics on the nearest Biting Kale's jaw strength, let out a slow, disbelieving whistle. "Forget the vibranium, Jarvis. I need schematics for that digestive enzyme. That thing's armor penetration is off the charts."
"It's eating them alive!" Natasha exclaimed, her voice tight. She was watching the chaotic efficiency of the botanical purge. "They're melting the armor right off their bones! Hermione, are you absolutely sure these things won't try to eat us when they run out of aliens?"
"They're my plants," Hermione's voice, amplified by her magic, cut through the battle noise. She was hovering calmly above the carnage. "I'm here. They won't. But you should probably stay out of the kill zone. When they're hungry, they don't exactly have great table manners."
The air was filled with a strange, horrifying cocktail: the smell of ozone, hot oil, alien blood, and a fresh, overwhelming scent of… cabbage.
The Chitauri army, the overwhelming force that was supposed to conquer Earth, completely collapsed. They weren't fighting; they were fleeing. They screamed, they scattered, they tried to shoot the green monsters that were eating them whole, but it was all in vain.
Stark Tower, Penthouse.
Loki was lounging on Tony's massive sofa, sipping a glass of stolen 1980 Lafite, his image reflected on the large screen that showed the carnage below. He was completely detached, watching his army being annihilated by magical plants.
He raised his scepter and contacted the Chitauri leader, "The Other," who was far away in deep space.
"The resistance is weak," Loki reported, his tone a magnificent blend of contempt and supreme confidence. "They are nearly at their breaking point. Send another, larger wave immediately! They are right on the verge of collapsing."
"The Other" was hesitant. "We have already lost two full legions, God of Mischief. How can they be resisting so strongly?"
"They are using desperation and trickery," Loki shot back, his voice impatient. "But it's only a matter of time. Think of the reward! If you back out now, you lose everything!"
The alien leader was persuaded by the power of the sunk cost. He gritted his metaphorical teeth and ordered another fleet to enter the portal.
Wave after wave, the Chitauri poured in, only to meet the same fate. The cabbages consumed them all.
Later: The Climax of Frustration.
Loki watched the destruction of the seventh wave. He was now pacing the length of the penthouse, his elegant posture slowly dissolving into a frantic, hysterical energy.
"Not yet?" he snarled into the scepter.
"The Other's" voice was a screech of pure, alien desperation. "I have lost nine legions! NINE! I have only one final reserve unit left! What in the name of the Mad Titan is going on on that pathetic little planet?!"
Loki stopped pacing, his face a sudden mask of cold, unholy rage. He turned on the comms.
"You want to know what's going on?" Loki screamed, his voice amplified by the scepter, broadcasting across the Nine Realms comms network. "I'll tell you! You incompetent, low-life, green-skinned trash! You failed! You failed to defeat a planet of vegetables! What good are you, you walking bag of chitin and bad intentions?"
He began to rant, a terrifying, petty, and stress-fueled psychological breakdown. "You ask why you are laughed at across the cosmos? I'll tell you! You can't even hold your own against Earth! You were supposed to be my army, and you can't beat a few magic gourds!"
"Why do you always lose? Why are you universally despised as the scavengers of the universe? Why are you destined to be slaves under a giant purple grape?! Why don't you look for your own problems instead of blaming me?!"
The rant was so intense and so accurate in its petty cruelty that "The Other" was left speechless.
"You lined up a horde of magnificent alien warships against a bunch of goddamn kohlrabi and you lost!" Loki shrieked, now completely unhinged. "You want to know what it looks like down there? I'll tell you!"
He pointed the scepter at the screen. Below, Hermione was resting on a surviving Leviathan corpse, directing her chomping cabbages.
"You've got the crazy witch, Hermione, flying around like a maniac, occasionally shouting something in Ancient Magic! You've got the Iron Man idiot using his fancy lights! You've got Thor summoning lightning, and then you've got a bunch of green, screaming plants going, 'CRUNCH! CRUNCH! YUM! YUM!' and eating your soldiers faster than you can send them! You want to know how you can win? The only way you can win is if you learn to kill a damn tomato!"
In the ruined streets below, the civilians, now completely numb to the chaos, had found a wide-open spot, and were sitting down with sodas and pretzels, cheering the carnivorous vegetables. The Chitauri invasion had officially become an evening show.