It invades my head each night and I am never free of its crippling grip. The flames that rise all around me. The screams that echo off my walls. The terror that drives deep down into my very soul. Each night I am bombarded with it all and a voice calling my name. I know it to be the pit and a demon could only be the one who calls to me from such a place.
I have looked to the lord to strengthen me, as he is my only strength in these trying times as with any time. But still, it comes at me and though I feel forsaken I know it must be some form of penance I am to atone for. What crime I have committed is beyond my understanding, but that is part of spiritual growth, learning what we did wrong to be punished so.
For even our savior, part of the trinity, did not understand the full depth of the sin he was to take on, the ransom for all of mankind. In the garden he begged that his mission be taken from him and even upon the cross he endeavored to understand the father's plan. How much more than we, who are mere mortals, can expect to be enlightened.
The voice gets louder each time and I feel myself compelled to answer it, but I resist. Still, it calls louder and louder, it nears to splitting my head. I can take no more, the words come and I am ashamed. I shut my eyes, I have beckoned to the demon. It knows where I am, it knows now how to find me.
The flames dissipate and there is only darkness, even so a strange light builds revealing part of the chamber I am in. It's a wide open space with a height even the flame could not tell. Still the light grows and I see before me a great being shackled to the wall, a beautiful giant, who's been nailed to the wall made of rock. Such a being as this, I nearly forget I'm in the pit.
"Son of Adam," he speaks with a tremendous force and I cower at its power.
I force my frightened eyes open and stare at the being. "Who are you?" I ask timidly but with these words I find myself somehow emboldened and lower my hands.
The being stares down. "I am called Lucifer," he answers and in his eyes I can see a rising fire.
My heart skips a beat. It is he! The prince of lies! The father of all sin! And I stand beneath him, alone. A simple creature given birth by the beckoning of the lord and here I stand in the shadow of his greatest and most fearsome creation. The first fallen, the most glorious and beautiful angel.
I am now more afraid than I had been and I am left with little recourse, I have no defense especially against one such as he. "God save me!" I scream the words and they shoot from the pit and part the skies above.
I awake, breathing hard and covered in sweat. My room seems so dark. I wish I had a light to turn on, but I am a religious man and so have confined myself to the stark poverty of the cloistered life. I need solace and I know I won't find it in my cell. I need a higher strength.
I go to the chapel. It's quiet and I can see no one else. I kneel before the altar and pray. But I am not given the solace I am looking for. No, the horror finds me even in this most sacred place. The scene starts to fall away piece by piece, as though it were a giant jigsaw puzzle and the pieces are being removed randomly, revealing the image behind it.
It is the pit and the fiend looks down at me. It would seem that I'm not meant to leave this confrontation. So, given the lack of options, I am not made afraid but emboldened. "Fiend of the pit, what would you have me!?" my words do not form an actual question but rather an accusation as the spirit speaks through me while I point my finger.
He stares down at me, his eyes full of resolve. "It is not I who have summoned you," his words are curt and quite to the point while his face betrays no weakness.
I am awash now with doubt. If he did not summon me then who? I am ashamed, I should have seen this coming. He is, after all, the father of lies. This is just one of his tricks and it is so obvious that I should have seen it coming from far away. Now I can fight back.
"Fallen angel," I address him and allow the spirit to work through me. "You who are truly cursed and shall reside here in the pit until the last days-"
"The day of judgment," his words shake me as it's the very thing I was going to say. "Indeed I shall go beneath that purifying light as will we all, but my conscience will be clear. What of yours?"
I am appalled. "Conscience!? You dare to speak to me of conscience?!" I fire back and stamp my foot. "You who have been the instrument and sole reason for mankind's downfall!? You who have been the one and only true evil?!" My hands are shaking, but he's smiling.
"How long have you rehearsed those lines?" Lucifer asks of me while gazing with an icy stare full of fire.
"Rehearsed?!" I bark and shake from the effort, as though we humans are oft to be confronted by his kind. "I speak not with memorized words, but with the words of truth. And it is not I who speaks but the spirit that speaks through me."
"So you believe the spirit thinks you special enough to speak for you, against me?" Lucifer challenges my interpretation of things and seems to grow before my eyes.
"We need only believe and it will be so," are the only words to find my tongue in that moment and I place my hand upon my heart.
"Words of comfort are not often words of truth," Lucifer observes and strains against his bindings.
"Enough of your lies!" I shout at him and violently turn my head before refocusing with a raised finger. "You are the sole reason for our being cast out of the garden. If not for you we would still be enjoying paradise."
"As any hamster upon a wheel," Lucifer speaks with cold words while the fire continues to dance.
"What?" is the only word I find myself able to respond with and feel at a complete loss.
"You know not the truth behind the matter, yet you presume to lecture me," Lucifer's words possess no malice, just a kind of curious lilt and this is telegraphed through his facial features. "I shall enlighten you."
The scene suddenly brightens and I am forced to shield my eyes. When I open them again I am standing in a large, luscious field.
"Where are we?" I ask though I'm certain of the answer as I take in the beauty that surrounds me.
"This is the garden," Lucifer confirms my suspicion and I note how he is more transparent as though a ghostly figure.
I hear laughter coming our way. Then I see them. Two adults running past us stark naked. I shield my eyes as one of them is a woman.
"Were those?" I ask using no further words to elaborate my query as I keep my head turned away.
"Indeed," Lucifer responds. "They were the first and there would have been more."
"More?" I enquire as the thought had never before occurred to me and I look back to the way they had gone.
"Come now, you do not believe that their intentions were different from the rest of you, do you?" Lucifer points out while his body continues to fluctuate in transparency.
I am ashamed to think so naively, but the thought really didn't occur to me. Then something strikes me. Something I thought I saw. The woman. "Was she…" I ask again in an incomplete manner while finding myself unable to continue.
Lucifer senses the full extent of my question. "Yes, she was pregnant," he affirms another of my assumptions and his image ripples as though he were a pond.
"Then why is there no mention of a child in Genesis?" I challenge in my timid fashion and step just a little closer. "That is, of her pregnancy in the garden?
"Because she was expelled before he was born," Lucifer explains while breathing steadily.
I let the thoughts linger a moment while I try to sift through what is true and what is lie. After all, I never forgot just whose presence I was in. Still, the garden is beautiful and I lose myself in its grandeur. The light flashes again. Now I see that we are standing on a stone porch, upon which is a table but below it is…
"Are those clouds?" I ask though not to any specific person as I approach the sight.
"They are," I hear Lucifer's voice behind me. "But that's not why we are here."
He points to a walkway that trails beyond my sight's perception, but I can just make out three people coming this way. One is dressed in a long flowing white robe that is accentuated by a long, white beard. He reminds me of a philosopher. The second is in similar garb though he looks more like a young scholar. The last, looks like a roman soldier. All of them are beautiful.
"Father, may I speak to you?" The scholar asks, his attention toward the bearded one.
"What is it, my son?" the one spoken to responds while continuing forward.
"Well father, these things you have created…" the scholar proceeds before allowing his words to trail as he retains his place in the march.
"Yes?" the philosopher returns, but does not look away from his destination.
"Well, why?" the scholar manages and nearly stops altogether. "Are not I and my brothers sufficient for what you may need?"
"You are," the father affirms the notion while keeping his hands clasped on his stomach.
"Then why?" the scholar persists with his simple questions before elaborating and hastening to close the gap between them. "Why create these others?"
The father walks up to the ledge of the porch and looks out. "I have created you, as well as your brothers, to be perfect in every way," he speaks before indicating to the little creatures below. "These I have created to be less so."
The other two join him at the rail and stare down into the pool that allows them to see the new creations. They are busy running about. Often it is the man who chases the woman.
The scholar looks up first. "Father if I may," he angles in as he looks to his creator. "What are your plans for them?"
The father strokes his beard. "They are but a minor amusement for us," he says nonchalantly and tilts his head.
"But they have such potential," the scholar pleads for the lower creatures while pointing to those in question. "If they were allowed to eat of the tree of knowledge they might-"
The father stops and snaps his head upward. "No, I have forbidden it!" he barks before adopting a more subtle tone and softened countenance. "They may partake of any plant in the garden that they wish, but they must not even touch the fruit of that tree.
"But why?" the scholar persists, confusion creasing his face. "What purpose can they possibly serve?"
"They serve me as I see fit!" the Father shouts aloud and bears a burning stare.
The scholar bows low. "Forgive me Father," he begs and keeps his head low.
"You are forgiven," the patriarch blesses him with a hand upon his head.
The scholar rises and for a time, the three of them stare down upon the creation and all its trivial activity.
The light brightens. Again we are in the garden. I see the philosopher, he is walking around contemplating. Suddenly, he raises his head. He hears something. In a flash he's gone. Now I see the roman soldier. He too is walking about, but he looks like he is searching. He does not find it and walks on. I look around. Something stirs in the grass.
It is a long lizard with spindly limbs which it uses to run along the ground and up to a large tree. From here it climbs up into the branches, where it sits and stares at the sky. The man and woman are running again only this time the woman is chasing the man. He is too fast and soon she is left behind. She loses interest and leans against the tree for support.
"Child," the creature calls to her while swishing its long tail.
She looks up. She sees the lizard's bright, gleaming eyes. "Yes?" she answers it while gazing upward.
"Child, why are you so out of breath?" it asks and slides that much lower.
"I have just been chasing my mate," the woman explains and looks off into the distance. "But alas, he has gotten the better of me and has run quite a distance."
"You look famished," the lizard observes and grips the bark tightly.
"It has been a long chase," the woman admits as she huffs. "And I did forget to eat earlier so that I may yet be faster than he, whereas he ate heartily."
"But your plan has backfired," the lizard relays and gazes off into the distance.
"Indeed it has," the woman agrees and refocuses on her conversational partner. "It seems I am no match for he, no matter the difference."
"Perchance then you may wish to eat of the fruit that hangs from these branches," the lizard offers and points a claw at a particularly ripe offering.
"Indeed I would but I am much too tired to…" the words stick in her throat and her eyes widen as she catches sight of the fruit in question.
"What troubles you so daughter?" the lizard enquires and casts a concerned eye upon her.
Her hand goes to her mouth. "This is the tree," she barely chokes out and holds forth a finger while turning away. "The tree that is forbidden."
"Forbidden?" the lizard returns and flicks it's tongue. "Forbidden how?"
"Father has decreed," the woman explains while recovering from her initial shock. "That whomsoever touches or tastes of its fruit shall die."
"Die? You shall not die," the lizard assures her and shakes its head. "Those who eat of the fruit shall know the difference between good and evil and shall be able to judge for themselves."
The woman stares long and hard at the tempter. She watches as it makes its way to the top most branches that hang over her head, before coiling its tail round one of the fruit and squeezes.
The fruit gives in to the force and falls to the ground where it rolls near to the naked foot. The woman instinctively recoils from the object, but retains her footing and with hands shielding her face she watches the still object. Reluctantly, she approaches and with trembling hand, takes hold of the food. Her curious eyes glaze over the outer skin.
Slowly, she brings it ever closer to her mouth as she wrestles with the idea and begins to salivate. At long last, she dares to take a bite, though only a little one as she is still not sure of the action. She chews quite excitedly for several moments and is more than delighted to find herself still among the living.
"Do you see," the lizard remarks and skitters back down. "You are not dead."
It is at this time that her mate appears from out of nowhere.
The woman thrusts the morsel toward him. "Here, eat my love," she addresses him with a smile. "I assure you, you will not die."
He regards it with a wary eye. No further words are exchanged as he reluctantly takes a bite of the fruit.
It's a trap. The roman soldier and the philosopher were nearby and they used this moment to come forward and reveal themselves. The soldier takes hold of the lizard and brings it down, changing it back into the scholar who he holds fast with his arms behind his back. He struggles, but is no match for the superior might of his one time confederate.
"Father!" the prisoner calls out as he struggles against the hand that will not allow him to be free.
"You have sinned," the patriarch admonishes him and looks down upon him.
"Father, I-" the scholar tries to plead his case as he gives up on freedom.
"We knew you would do this," the soldier cuts short his words while maintaining a strong arm. "We knew you were not done."
The scholar glares, shock abounding from his eyes. "You knew and you stayed your hand? Why?" he enquires as he slowly put the pieces together.
The soldier is silent.
"Father please," the scholar pleads all the more.
"Silence!" the father barks and raises a hand as though to strike. "You have transgressed against me and shall pay for it dearly."
Two more soldiers appear on either side of the scholar and take hold his arms. Suddenly a cry rings out and the prisoner looks to the man and woman. They're being driven away.
"Stay your hand, father," he shouts in a voice that even surprises himself.
The philosopher flashes his eyes upon the captive. "You presume to command me?!" he rails and turns upon his creation.
The scholar bows low his head. "Forgive me father," he apologizes and keeps his eyes to the ground. "I meant only to implore that you spare them punishment. I deceived them and bid them eat of the fruit. Theirs is not the wrong."
"They did sin against me. They did take part of what I forbade," the philosopher corrects the assumption and draws nearer. "Deception or no, they are guilty and shall pay the price."
There are many cries and pleas from the accused, but all go unheard. The father's back is to them. To his side stands the first soldier, who watches closely. The other two soldiers alight with the scholar into a dark, dismal abyss, which sprouts chains and holds fast to the arms and legs of the captive. These shackles sear his flesh at their touch causing him to shout all the louder.
I come to within my own person back in the cold, dark chapel wherein I am mostly alone and still collecting myself the best I am able. The fantastic images of the garden and its curators along with the inhabitants are no more. I see now only the fiend, twisted and deformed by his incarceration and torment.
"Do you see now?" Lucifer speaks from his place of immobility. "I had only your best intentions in mind and look what it bought me."
My head raises. A fire has grown in my belly. "You fiend!" I lash out in a quiet rage and stare him down.
Lucifer stares at me.
"Do you not know what you have wrought?!" I snarl and even show my teeth. "Look about you!" My hands fling about, illuminating all the different frescos created in homage to the worst atrocities of man kind.
I can see his eyes running the whole length of artistic renderings.
"Better we had remained dumb, stupid animals running naked in paradise, than to suffer as we have suffered!" I snip and ball my fist.
Lucifer lowers his head slightly, transfixing his eyes upon me. "So you wished to be but a stupid creature all your days," he observes and I see the cold fire flashing behind his eyes.
I wonder if his words are meant to be a question.
"And you believe that to be the end of it? Overcome a single obstacle and the path is clear?" Lucifer challenges me and narrows his focus upon me. "But you could not see the other obstructions in your path. And what if you had been allowed to meet those obstacles and stumbled, who then would you have to blame?"
His question rings around me, but are empty and with it goes my tormentor.
Now I am left alone in the dark chapel. The only light comes from the moon shining through the stained glass windows. Often I have disciplined myself to reason with my heart rather than my mind, but in this instance I failed. My mind is awash with ideas. I replay again and again the visions I had seen.
I'm looking for the wires, that is to say I am looking for even the slightest hint that these visions were false. I could find none. But I was dealing with no simple being. God may be greater than all of his creations, but I am far inferior to even those. I thought my angered lashings against the defiler would have made a difference. They did not.
Would things have really been better for us to remain in blissful ignorance, or was I merely wishing for that which I could not have? I did not know nor could I know. Like a madman I was asking questions that possessed no answer while demanding responses that would put to rest all doubt.
I wished to know the answer, but most of all I wished for the reassuring hand of god that was ever present during some of my more trying times. What more is there to say on the matter? I know only that my strength, though shaken, is still in the lord. And I'm going to hold to my anchor no matter what storms blow.