Chapter 62: Christmas
"Come on!" I kept pressing the buttons harder.
Seth raised his hands. "And the winner is... me!!"
"You're really bad at this," Anna laughed, grabbing the controller from my hand.
I justified myself, "My usual opponents are six to eleven-year-old kids."
This time it was Anna and Ryan who started playing the fighting game. In the past few weeks, we've been getting together once in a while at Seth's place (and Ryan's, since the Cohens became his legal guardians).
"Hey, Jake, wanna be part of what I call Chrismukkah?" Seth spun toward me.
"Huh?" I blinked. "Is that like Christmas plus Hanukkah?"
He nodded. "Right. It's a new holiday, and it's sweeping the nation."
"Hey, fellas, we got the tree," Sandy, Seth's dad, entered carrying a Christmas tree.
"Or at least the living room," Seth added.
"Hello, Jake, would you like to stay with us for dinner?" Kirsten asked.
I thought for a moment. "Sure, the girls are having that time of the month."
"You know, that's kinda offensive to us women," Kirsten lightly scolded with a mocking smile.
Anna chimed in, "He means they're having girls' night today."
Seth's mom was about to apologize, but Anna cut in again. "Don't, he totally phrases like that on purpose."
"Okay, can we get back to the best holiday ever invented? And that was by me" Seth jumped into the conversation.
"Chrismukkah?" Ryan raised an eyebrow.
"Allow me to elaborate." He walked over to Sandy. "You see, for my father here, a poor struggling Jew growing up in the Bronx, Christmas meant Chinese food and a movie."
Then he moved next to Kirsten. "And for my mom over here, WASPy McWASP, it meant a tree, stockings, and all the trimmings"
"I'm not a wasp" she retorted
He ignored it, and finished, "So, I created the greatest superholiday known to mankind, drawing on the best that Christianity and Judaism have to offer"
"We didn't really know how to raise Seth," Kirsten admitted, trying to justify his eccentricities, making everyone laugh.
Suddenly, Seth's phone rang. "It's Lindsay," he said excitedly.
I stood up and stopped him from answering right away. "Calm down, you already kissed her, no need to act so eager."
"Count to three and ask her to Chrismukkah," Anna added. He did that, then answered and walked to the corner.
"Who is Lindsay?" Sandy inquired curiously.
I responded, "Soon to be Seth's girlfriend. Lindsay Gardner is one of our classmates"
"You're welcome," Anna expressed, spreading her arms.
"Now you're taking all the credit?" I looked at her.
"I did more than you, smart boy," she smirked at me.
And this time, it was my phone that rang.
Ryan finally spoke up, "Girlfriend?"
"No," I denied. "A thirteen-year-old girl who keeps calling me."
"Alex?" Anna asked.
"Yep, you never let any misunderstanding slide, do you?" I answered. Since that day, my cousin has been calling me from time to time, wanting to talk about some book or intellectual topic.
After we finished talking, Seth had also ended his call and said to all of us, "How about a Chrismukkah on December 26th?"
"Dude, you haven't even started dating and you're already whipped?" I remarked astonished
We played a bit more and then went to have dinner.
"How come you're not at the girls' night, Anna?" Sandy asked while grabbing another serving of pasta.
"Yeah... Taylor, Haley, Summer, and Marissa... not my thing," she replied.
"I think only a superior being like Jake could handle all four of them together," Seth commented ironically.
I joined the conversation too. "I barely talked to Taylor, just with the Powerpuff Girls... and Tinkerbell here."
Anna raised an eyebrow. "Really, Jake? Tinkerbell?"
"It's a good one," Seth laughed
"See," I pointed out, "even Ryan agreed. That's his face when he agrees with something."
"That boring face is his usual," Anna retorted.
"Why does she hang out with us, again?" Ryan commented.
I shrugged. "Seth needs a lab partner and a relationship advisor"
"You're hilarious," Seth said mockingly, while Anna didn't even bother to respond.
We finished dinner and kept talking.
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A week later, December 24th finally arrived. I was watching Miracle on 34th Street with Jay, Manny, and Gloria when suddenly a monster appeared screaming on the screen.
Jay jumped in shock. "What the hell is that?"
"Inocente!" Manny pointed at Jay, chuckling.
"What the hell?" he exclaimed again.
"When you told me we were going to watch this movie, I asked Jake to help me for a joke copy," Manny revealed. "You are the inocente!"
"Maybe I'm a little confused right now. What's this 'inocente' stuff?" Jay inquired, already annoyed.
"In Colombia, practical jokes are a Christmas tradition," Gloria explained, still laughing. "The one who gets fooled is the inocente!"
Uncle Jay replied exasperatedly, "We tell practical jokes on April Fool's Day. Don't do that again."
Manny and Gloria left giggling, while Jay kept grumbling, "Inocente," and looked at me. "Are you okay with this crap?"
I shrugged. "Some of my friends are celebrating Chrismukkah - Christmas mixed with Hanukkah. My dad will probably celebrate with eggnog and a beautiful, but random girl. Adding a Colombian tradition seems perfectly normal to me."
I stood up. "I'm going to deliver all the presents and then I'll come back."
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I stopped first at the Dunphys' house.
Alex was the one who opened the door. "Jake!" she spoke excitedly and immediately went on, "I read Crime and Punishment..."
Haley came over too, nudging her sister aside. "Uhh, gifts," she cheered, hugging me but also reaching for the present.
"Cousin, you might need to be careful not to get dumber by osmosis," Alex remarked sarcastically.
Haley turned her head. "I don't have osmosis."
"See?" Alex pointed out, and the two of them started bickering.
I slipped an arm around both of them. "Okay, you two"
"Wait, where's the Christmas tree?" I frowned, noticing that the tree was no longer in the living room.
Chapter 63: Christmas II
"Where is the Christmas tree?" I asked, since I had helped decorate it too.
"Our parents are crazy people," Haley commented.
"We are not crazy," Claire appeared along with Phil and Luke. "We canceled Christmas until one of you three confesses who burned the sofa with a cigarette."
I glanced at each of the three - Alex, Haley, and Luke. None of them looked guilty.
Luke wasn't good at hiding secrets, Alex would confess as soon as pressured, and Haley would ask me for help to escape punishment (if it were her).
"They can't confess something that none of them did," I argued. "It was me. I got a little distracted and dropped the cigarette butt. I'm sorry."
"Great! I'll go get the Christmas tree back!" Phil said excitedly.
"Nice," I moved closer to him. "I bought a mini-Santa Claus that climbs a rope. We can put him on the tree." I showed him, taking it out of my shopping bag.
Phil took it, "Cool!" reacting much like Luke, who was watching beside us.
"Phil!" Claire barked, staring in disbelief at us.
Phil blinked confused. "What?"
Claire gave him the look.
"Right," he corrected himself quickly. "Uncool, buddy." He started pulling me to help him bring the tree back.
"That's it??" Claire looked incredulous. "No, no, no." She repeated.
Phil paused, then improvised, "You're… not playing Mario Kart with me and Luke... today." He looked at Claire for approval.
She let out a frustrated sigh. "We're against smoking and setting a bad example. Jake, you're banned from coming here until the end of the year."
I stayed calm. Well, that's less than a week…
"That's not fair, Mom!" Haley protested
"Who am I going to talk about books and science with?" Alex added, complaining.
Phil joined the chorus. "Yeah, Claire, why should we be punished as well?"
"Mom, you said Christmas is about forgiving and all!" Even Luke managed to blurt out something that sounded halfway wise.
Claire's patience snapped. "Why am I being treated like the villain here?" She took a deep breath. "Fine. Three days. That's final."
I had to hold back a laugh. I love this family.
"Guys, she is right," I spoke, placing a hand on her shoulder, then whispered, "You know, Aunt Claire, stress shortens life expectancy by twenty percent."
"And you shorten mine by fifty!" she shouted back.
"Don't say that," I replied, pulling out another bag. "I bought you a fine wine."
She narrowed her eyes. "Are you treating me like an alcoholic woman?"
"No," I denied immediately. "The wine I gifted you in the past must have been emptied by gnomes," I remarked.
She snatched the gift, said thank you, and headed to the kitchen.
After helping Phil bring the tree back to the living room, we decorated it again and talked for a while until I mentioned that I needed to deliver the rest of the presents.
I stopped by Malibu and told Dad I would spend the 25th at Jay's house too. He wasn't really bothered by it.
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That night, I went back to Brentwood with Jay (we bumped into each other by chance at Mitchell's house).
"Where were you for so long?" Gloria inquired as we walked into the kitchen.
Jay explained, "Just a little last-minute shopping," then asked, noticing a round food on the table, "What's this?"
"Buñuelos," Manny spoke, already eating one.
Jay frowned. "Who? What?"
Gloria explained, "Cheese fritters. It's a traditional Colombian Christmas food."
"Okay, new rule. From now on, we do Colombian things when we're in Colombia," Jay declared annoyed, continuing his rant, "We do American things when we're in America."
He stormed off toward the pantry, shouting, "No more of your food, no more of your music, and especially no more of your crazy holidays!"
Manny and Gloria exchanged a disappointed look
"Inocente!" he yelled, suddenly reappearing.
Manny put his hands over his face, clearly realizing he'd fallen for our prank.
"You know, it was hard to get fireworks on Christmas Eve," I finally revealed what Jay and I had in our shopping bags.
"Go, Manny!" Gloria encouraged with a wide grin, patting his shoulder.
Manny ran to hug Jay and then me.
"Thank you!" he said, beaming.
I smiled too. "Let's go, we need to set up those fireworks out back, somewhere safe."
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The next morning, Christmas lunch was at Jay's house.
Mitchell, Cam, and Lily were the first to arrive, followed by the Dunphy family.
Claire came to talk to me while the rest of the Dunphys were nearby.
"Jake, I owe you an apology," she began, "but could you please wipe that smug grin off your face?"
"No way!" I denied. "I only took the blame so I could have the moral high ground, and to annoy yo…" I cleared my throat, "I mean, save the Dunphys' Christmas," I smirked.
Claire's eyes were twitching. "Either way, sorry, and thank you," she said, hugging me.
I whispered, "I'm totally going to use that in the future," which made her lightly pinch me.
"What about us?" Haley joined in. "You and Dad blamed us first! You were going to cancel Christmas for something none of us did!"
"You called us all liars!" Luke added.
Phil repeated the same line Luke had used yesterday. "Christmas is about forgiving."
"That's all on Luke," Alex snorted. "You took away the biggest holiday!"
"I made a mistake. People make mistakes. And they make up for those mistakes..." Phil paused, then exclaimed, "by taking their family... to Italy!" Everyone cheered, except for Claire, whose face instantly turned worried.
We ended up having a very unique Christmas lunch, with some Colombian dishes mixed in and a new recipe Cam had just discovered.
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That night, everyone left, and I did too, heading over to Summer's house. She had spent Christmas with her dad, but he was going out for the night with her stepmother.
Summer peeked outside before opening the door.
"Merry Christmas, Jake," she grinned at me.
I took a long look at the sexy Christmas outfit she was wearing. "Merry Christmas, Sunny," I replied, and she pulled me inside.
Chapter 64
"Hello?" I answered my phone.
Seth started talking on the other end of the line. "Man, for a brief moment I thought you slept with my aunt," he blurted out right away.
I glanced to the side of the bed and gave Summer's breasts a squeeze. "No, I'm pretty sure I'm still with Summer."
Then I asked, "So, my dad's at your house?"
"He was, I caught him sleeping with my aunt, and he ended up leaving," Seth kept talking, "She isn't married or anything, it was just a really awkward situation."
"Hmm," I murmured.
"You don't seem that surprised," he remarked from the other end of the line.
I explained, "My dad's a Don Juan, and he and my uncle had dinner yesterday at my grandma's house, your neighbor."
I went on, "With all due respect, Seth, your mother is beautiful, so I assume your aunt is too. I can see that happening."
"My aunt wasn't supposed to be here, let alone sleep with a guy before even saying hi to us," Seth commented ironically.
Handful chick... totally my dad's type.
"Well, at least lunch won't be boring," I laughed.
He let out a dry laugh. "Yeah, for some reason, Lindsay's mom will come too. Boring is exactly the type I wanted to be."
"Don't worry Seth, everything will be fine. I'll be there soon," I said and hung up.
"Hey, jerk, these are not stress balls," Summer turned toward me as I didn't stop squeezing her breasts.
"Are you sure? Because I'm feeling less stressed already," I joked.
She just made a face at me. "What did Seth want?" she asked, sitting and guiding my hand inside her pajamas. Yeah, way better with no fabric in the way.
"He just called to say that my dad ended up at his house," I revealed.
"You two have rabbit genes, right?" Summer teased, already understanding what happened (not exactly with whom, but it didn't really matter for her).
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After we got dressed, Summer and I went to the Cohens' house.
"Ryan, you look like you didn't sleep well," I commented, noticing his tired face as he opened the door for us.
" 'Someone' slept in my bed," Ryan answered flatly.
I raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, I don't think they did much sleeping." I quipped
"Not helping, man," he shot me a look.
"Jake, Summer!" Seth welcomed us as well. "The man we need," he declared, and we all headed to the kitchen.
"Kirsten, Sandy…" I waved to both of them. "Hello there!"
and they greeted me normally.
"You came early, Jake," Sandy observed, sipping his coffee. "Help yourself," he offered, motioning toward the food on the table.
"Thought you'd be more bothered, Kirsten," I found their lack of reaction a bit strange.
"For what?" She tilted her head.
"Yeah, I haven't told them yet," Seth cut in. "Hailey's here," he announced.
I glanced at him. "Your aunt's name is Hailey? You don't have aunt issues, do you?"
"Just a coincidence, and I like Lindsay now" Seth replied.
Kirsten stood up abruptly. "Wait, wait- you saw her? You were talking to her? Or, uh... did she say what she's doing here?"
"I have two guesses," Sandy deadpanned. "Either she run outta money or run outta money."
Huh, a sister without money showing up at her sister's house - sounds familiar.
Kirsten signed, touching her forehead. "Hailey's here."
Then a blonde young woman came to the door wearing a singlet and underwear.
"Hey guys, guess who's back," she uttered, smiling.
"Hello, Hailey," Sandy muttered, lowering his head after noticing what she was wearing.
Seth laughed awkwardly. "Aunt Hailey, later- when you're dressed - we'll hug."
Ryan just gave her a look and didn't say anything.
"Seth. Robe. Her. Now," Kirsten ordered, placing her hand on her hip, already showing great annoyance
"Huh?" Hailey blinked when she saw me. "Are you Charlie's son or brother?" she questioned while putting on Seth's robe.
"His son," I replied, unfazed.
Kirsten's eyes darted between us. "Oh, you didn't!!" she exclaimed, irritated, probably putting the pieces together.
"See? Now you know what she was doing, or who she was doing" I commented, receiving a quick glare from her.
But she soon turned to Hailey again. "We haven't seen each other for years, and the first thing you do is sneak in here with a stranger?"
"He's no stranger. He's your neighbor's son, and my dad," I pointed out.
Seth muttered out of the corner of his mouth, "Can't you stop poking the wasp nest?"
Kirsten started lecturing Hailey, but she didn't seem very bothered by it. Seth's mother ended up leaving to avoid getting even more annoyed.
"Looking good, nephew Seth," Hailey commented, giving him a once-over.
"Thank you. Puberty happened."
"It's been that long?"
"It sure has."
Then Hailey pointed at us, "And new friends?"
"Yeah, that's Ryan. He's kind of a long story," Seth introduced us. "Jake you've already know his name."
"Do I need to call you Mommy?" I mocked
she found it amused, "bite me"
"Can't, I have a girlfriend," I said, glancing down since Summer was in my arms.
"Summer," she introduced herself coolly
Hailey nodded and turned back to her nephew. "So, now that you're a man, what are the New Year's Eve plans? Got any girls to kiss?"
"Yes, Lindsay, she's coming here for lunch," Seth revealed.
I continued, "About the New Year's Eve plans, I reserved a few tables at The Standard Downtown, Rooftop VIP, for us."
"Taylor might not come," Ryan murmured
I raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
"Because of three little words Ryan couldn't say," surprisingly, it was Hailey who explained
"Where's the Frosted Flakes?" Seth joked.
"That's four," Hailey corrected, then said each word slowly, "I. Love. You."
"Shut up. Ryan, Taylor said that to you?" I asked, receiving a small nod.
"Okay, what did you say?" Seth asked, intrigued.
He muttered, "Thank you."
We all grimaced.
"God, that was worse than I expected - even for Seth," I said, still wincing.
"I love you too, Jake" Seth replied dryly.